Revocation's a bitch!

Discussion in 'Humor' started by MrMarbles, Dec 1, 2004.

  1. MrMarbles
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    MrMarbles Member

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    This may have been posted before, but here ya are anyway. It's a little long but it's funny.

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President for the USA and thus to govern yourselves effectively, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Most Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (No, you have not missed the first movie, there was a first Queen Elizabeth, but at that time the inhabitants of your nation were all dancing around fires and wearing skirts, you will not recall her).

    Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she excepts Utah from her dominion, as she does not much like the look of it.

    Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tory Liar , MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with the correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.


    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game anyway. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in t ime, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Sh!t".

    8. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns . You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


    9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Yanks Day".

    10. All modern American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you proper cars that go round corners, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will adopt proper imperial weights and measures. US Imperial does not exist - the clue is in the title - Imperial = empire, the British empire. You Americans do not have an empire, you are part of ours. This will have immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and imperialisation will help you understand the British sense of humour.



    11. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    12 As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    13 The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Nasty Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    14. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). The measures adopted in rule 10 will assist.

    15. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without sueing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    16. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
    to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.


    Regards,
    Cuthbert Fairweather

    Home Office
    HM Government
     
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  2. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    To: Her Most Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
    Supreme Monarch of the British Empire

    From: Billy Bob Johnson
    Deer hunter, Moonshiner

    Dear Queenie,

    I recently received your letter in which you so kindly offered to absolve us Americans of the burden of self-government. Excuse the poor penmanship as I had to get my twelve year old nephew Cletus to read your letter and he is writing it for me. Cletus is in the fourth grade (having been held back twice) and he is the only member of our family with a higher education.

    We have no problem with disbanding the House and Senate. Them worthless bastards haven't accomplished anything lately anyway. Will you be paying them now? Perhaps you can give them membership in the House of Commons, being as how they act pretty common most of the time.

    1. I don't have to look up "revocation". I know that that's whut them rich folk do when they take more than one vacation. We ain't near as ignorant as y'all think. And as far as "aluminum" goes, well I know that's the stuff they make Budweiser cans out of. But I don't know why you limeys insist on stickin' that exta "i" in there.

    As far as all them thar other words y'all are bitchin about - well it just seems that you have too damn many letters you want to go throwin around. What kind of dumbass spells it "favourite" or "behaviour". What is this thing y'all have with the letter "u" anyway? It don't make the word sound no different, ya just have to stick in some extra shit to spell it. So I'm sorry to tell y'all that we cain't agree to that. It just don't go with our down-home way of talkin'.

    2. I agree that there is no such thing as US English. We have Southern English, Yankee English, Midwest English, Texas English, New England English, Out West English, California English and that shit that them damn New Yorkers talk that cain't nobody understand nohow. So go ahead and call brother Bill and tell him to get crackin.

    3. Sorry. Have to say we can't agree on the accent business. As you can see from all the different kinds of English we have to deal with, we just don't have the time to learn any of the weird shit y'all spout. So that one's a no-dice.

    4. As far as Hollywood goes - I think I have a better idea. Why don't you just let us pack all them snooty weirdos up and ship the whole kit and kaboodle over there to y'all. Then you can do whatever trips your trigger with the whole lot.

    5. Sorry, we can't sing "God save the Queen". The damnyankee ACLU has tolt us that we cain't say nuthin 'bout God in public. Maybe we could sing "Bob save the Queen".

    6. Now slow down just a bit, honey. When y'all start talkin bad about our football, y'all have gone too damn far. We'll play it however we damn well please and there ain't shit y'all can do about it because just one SEC team could kick ass on the whole British army.

    And SOCCER - you MUST be kidding. Look, toots - you seen any short-skirted sweeties shakin' their pom poms at some damn SOCCER game lately? What the hell kind of sicko are ya?

    7. Well, we got nothing against them folks who live up thar near the North Pole. It's too damn cold, they talk funny and they got them kilometers on their roads - whatever those are. As far as the french - well we're a little skittish about kicking their asses. We don't mind a fight, but our kinfolk will make fun of us if we go over there and pick on a bunch of sissy-boy homersexuals.

    8. No longer be allowed to own or carry guns? Haaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha. How funny do you think you'd look with half the barrel of a double-barreled twelve gauge stuck up your wrinkled old backside? Y'all have done some silly things, but now yore gettin stupid.


    9. Tell you whut - let's compromise. We'll still celebrate the fourth, but we'll also celebrate Nov 2 like you want. Only we'll call it "The second time we kicked limey ass Day". How's that?

    10. Look lady, American cars don't have to be real good at cornering. See, we've figured out how to make our roads STRAIGHT.

    11. Real chips? Listen granny - whut you're talking about are called potato dumplins. We don't give a rat's ass if y'all want to call them chips, but they're dumplings. You know, we might put kittens in the oven to warm them but that don't make 'em biscuits.

    12. Hey, baby - tea is meant to be drunk cold and sweet. That shit y'all call tea looks and tastes like the wash water from grandpa's socks after a day chasing the mules through the sweet potato fields.

    13. And don't be talkin any shit about our beer. The only good use for that crap y'all call "ale" is for stripping the varnish off furniture.

    14. Well, I don't rightly know whut "harmonise" means. But if it's gonna raise the price of our gasoline to the same idiot level all y'all pay, you can just write that one off your list too.

    15. Honey child, the only folks who use therapists are out in hollywood and since we're gonna send them assholes to ya, we'll send the therapists too. And we'll be glad to stop settling our disputes with guns - we'll just shoot the lawyers and then talk out our problems like regular folks.

    And if we're not "adult" enough to carry guns - why don'tcha come and get 'em. Bring help. Bring LOTS of help. Bring your friggin' lunch too, ya old bat.

    16. Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK. Don't you goddam limeys EVER read the papers?
     
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  3. Said1
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    :teeth:
     
  4. NightTrain
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    NightTrain VIP Member

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    :clap: :clap: :clap:

    Funny stuff! :laugh:
     
  5. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Hey Marbles!

    Clean up your room. :D

    Your pm account is full and you can't get any new messages till you clean some out.

    Do you mind if I move this thread to the humor forum?
     
  6. musicman
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    musicman Senior Member

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    Merlin:

    Outrageous! You should send a copy to every major newspaper in Europe. They're already shit-scared of us ignorant hicks; this'll send them scrambling for cover!
     
  7. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Hell, If I include a picture of Billy Bob with his red, big-wheel, 4 wheel drive, hemi-powered, roll-bar equipped, Dodge Ram with the brush guard, the extra lights on the roof, the air horns, the Rebel flags and the gun rack, they'll shit in their knickers.
     
  8. musicman
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    ROFLMAO! Talk about a diplomatic coup - show that pic at every high-level meeting with powers less than friendly to the U.S., with the caption:

    THIS is who you're up against!
     
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  9. TheEnemyWithin
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    Shut up, Marb. Your advice is neither neccesary or desired. Besides, you ain't qualifed to give us advice since you're just a Canadian pukehead wishing we'd be more like you. AIN'T HAPPENING!!! Bush is the president whether you like it or not. :boohoo:
     
  10. Avatar4321
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    Avatar4321 Diamond Member Gold Supporting Member

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    I think whats so funny about this is marbles is totally serious.

    Seriously though The Queen could revoke our independence even if she wanted to. We won our independence by making them bleed and having them surrender. We can do it again if we have to. Although im sure we dont cause half the population there is so corrupt with liberalism like the rest of Europe that they would be too cowardly to put up a fight and those who would fight would be fighting with us cause they would be smart enough to know that they need us to beat the terrorists.
     

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