Religious humor

Votto

Diamond Member
Oct 31, 2012
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Has anyone ever noticed how you can read the same scripture over and over again and get different messages from it?

Consider the story of Job. I"ve read the story a thousand times and always assumed that God let satan take everything from Job, but he didn't.

God: Have you considered my servant Job? He is truly a righteous man who serves me.

Satan: Sure, but if you take everything he has he will curse you to your face.

God: Nope, not going to happen.

Satan: Sure it will. I double dare ya!

God: Ok, have it your way, you can take everything he has, even his health, but you can't take his life.

Satan:. Mwhahaha! (Cuddled in a dark corner somewhere). So I'll take his house, I'll take his cattle, I'll take his sheep, I'll take the life of his children, I'll even put boils on his body and make him sick, I'll take his wi.........no.........That's it! I'll let his wife live! Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Job's wife: "Why did God take everything you have? Doesn't he love you? Why don't you just curse God and die? I mean, why do you run around serving him all day, and for what? You give all your money to him and the poor when you could have taken us on nice vacations. What, did you loose everything just so you could get out of doing the dishes and taking out the trash? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
 
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We sit on here debating over and over and over again as to whether the Bible is the inspired word of God or not. We indulge in endless debate, when really I can prove that it is the inspired word of God without any debate at all.

For example, does anyone believe that a group of guys huddled in a dark corner somewhere would write the Bible themselves and include, "Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not fornicate, and thou shalt not get drunk?

No. That is absurd.

So I know what your are thinking. What if women wrote the Bible. Women? "Thou shalt submit to your husband?"

Hell no! That's even more absurd.









I know, aliens wrote it!

bibleufo.jpg
 
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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."




 
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the
Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid
hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car
and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side
of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the
man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny
and killed it. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can
onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up
the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and
hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned
around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved,
hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name
is in your spray can?" The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label. It said:

"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


 

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