Offensive jokes

[iamwhatiseem]

How may people does it take to change a light bulb in a black persons home?
Three Democrats

 

[Billo_Really]

Mother Theresa dies and goes to Heaven. But she is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says to her, "Before I can let you in, I must ask you a few questions first."

Mother Theresa looks over Peters shoulder, notices Lady Di is already inside and say's,
"St Peter, after everything I've done in my life, why am I out here answering questions,
when Lady Di is already inside with a halo on her head?"

St Peter turns his head, then say's to Mother Theresa,
"That's not a halo, it's a steering wheel!"

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Mohammed's giving a sermon. Every so often he pauses and his head shakes violently to the side. One of his disciples whispers in his ear, "Mohammed are you okay?" to which he replies, "Yes it's nothing, just a little tick I have."

Hundreds of years later, Muslims imitating everything Mohammed does imitate his tick the best they can...

- Copyright, John Smith

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Jesus is attending a party with some friends. One of them begs him to do the water into wine trick. Jesus says no, but his friend and others plead with him to which he finally relents. Tasting the mriaculous wine, a party guest spits it out in disgust and angrily asks Jesus, "Mon dieu! Who taught you how to make wine?"

- Copyright, John Smith

 

[iamwhatiseem]

How do most people see Lesbians?
In HD.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

A suicide bombing instructor's giving a lecture on technique. Outdoors and far away from others learning other things. A confused student finally figures it out and excitedly runs up to the instructor shouting "I get it! I get it!" demonstrating proper technique.

-Copyright, John Smith

 

[Billo_Really]

A guy stands up in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A second guy jumps up and says, "Hey, I resent that!"

The first guy goes, "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responds, "No, I'm an asshole!"

 

[Delta4Embassy]

A moderate politician's giving a speech. A listening hardcore partisan politician's listening but suddenly leaps to his feet, "You're lying!" The moderate responds, "Yes I am, but hear me out!"

"The West Wing"

 

[Indofred]

Mohammed's giving a sermon. Every so often he pauses and his head shakes violently to the side. One of his disciples whispers in his ear, "Mohammed are you okay?" to which he replies, "Yes it's nothing, just a little tick I have."

Hundreds of years later, Muslims imitating everything Mohammed does imitate his tick the best they can...

- Copyright, John Smith

That is utter crap - try this.

 

[namvet]

why does a chicken have so many bones in its neck??

to hold up its pecker

 

[dilloduck]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."


When you are seventy who gives a damn?


This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are seventy who gives a damn?

 

[soonerthunder22]

Ok- This guy stops in at the local pub for a cold one and as he is bellying up to the bar he looks down at the end to see a gorilla. Surprised, he asked why there was a gorilla sitting at the bar. The barkeep responds,

'he does tricks'

Really? Like what kind of tricks?

The barkeep responds,

'Here watch.. I'll show you'

So the barkeep walks down to the end of the bar, reaches behind the counter, and comes out swinging







WHAM goes a baseball bat off the gorillas head






Promptly the gorilla drops to its knees and begins to smoke the barkeeps pole. Shortly thereafter he quickly composes himself and scampers over to ask the patron what he thought of the gorilla and his gifted tricks?



The patron was indeed amazed and just couldn't believe what he just witnessed. So he says;


'You know, that was pretty impressive. Never seen anything like it.'


The barkeep responds


'Yea, I know. I hear that often. Do you want me to show you the trick again?'



The patron says



'Sure, but just don't hit me so hard'



-Geaux

OK, Navy. That does it.......step aside and let a second class storekeeper show you how it's done.

 

[soonerthunder22]

Definitions you won't find in Merriam-Webster:

Hotel-I gave my girlfriend the crabs, and de ho tel everybody.

Catacomb-I saw Don King walkin' around yesterday---Man, somebody need to get that catacomb.

Foreclose- If I pay Alimony today, I got no money left foreclose.

Rectum-I had two cadillacs, but my bitch done rectum both.

Disappointment-My parole officer done tol' me if I miss disappointment , deh gonna send me back to de joint.

( These little ditties were given to me by a black friend of mine. I'm using them with his permission.)

More to come, later.

O

 

[Wyld Kard]

Drinking with a Redneck Girl


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her.45 and shoots the Mexican and Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

 

[Wyld Kard]

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Prease, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your problem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!!!"

 

[Wyld Kard]

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: What do call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

[Votto]

Two gerbils walked passed a gay bar and one turned to the other and said, "Want to go in and get shit faced?"

 

[Wyld Kard]

A man walks past girl with no arms or legs sitting by a pool. The girl says to the man, "Excuse me sir, I've never been fucked and in my condition no one would want to fuck me. Will you please fuck me?" So the man kicks her into the pool and says, "There, you're fucked."

 

[Solutrean_Hypothesis]

lol, had forgotten that last one.

ok, so...

What did the vato say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me holmes!"

 

[JQPublic1]

What did the GEICO GEKKO say to the Progressive Insurance girl, FLO?

STOP CALLING ME!