Miracles in the Bible being explained away by scientists and scholars on Christmas

[Votto]

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Fed The 5,000 With Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Breadsticks

LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday's International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus' miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with "five little loaves and two little fish" was made possible thanks to Olive Garden's famous never-ending...

babylonbee.com

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Fed The 5,000 With Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Breadsticks
THEOLOGY·Aug 19, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
Click here to view this article with reduced ads.

LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday's International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus' miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with "five little loaves and two little fish" was made possible thanks to Olive Garden's famous never-ending breadsticks.
The new theological perspective reportedly comes after years of intense research and deliberation, says Dr. Samuel Andross of Dallas Theological Seminary.
"This miracle makes much more sense now," said Dr. Andross said.



During the panel, experts also claimed that the "two fish" were not miraculously multiplied but were likely "really big fish" that were filleted and dispersed among the people. There is currently a disagreement on whether the fish were great white sharks or possibly a pair of deformed Alaskan Salmon suffering from gigantism.
"They couldn't have been multiplied miraculously because Olive Garden does not offer an unlimited seafood option," clarified Dr. Adam Cheese, head theologian at the London School of Theology.
Conference visitors said the expert opinion on Jesus' miracle really made "the Bible come alive" because they also like Olive Garden breadsticks.
"Honestly, this helps my faith," said theological student Jeremiah Gunthrie. "Jesus magically making bread out of nothing seemed absurd. Access to an Olive Garden waitress makes way more sense. This new clarity is sure to resolve the apparent difficulties of millions."
"I love devoting lots of time and meditation to myths and endless genealogies which give rise to fascinating speculations on matters having nothing at all to do with salvation," he added.
At publishing time, Jesus' other miracle in which He fed 4,000 had been determined to have been performed with unlimited cheese toast from Sizzler.

 

[JGalt]

There actually is a restaurant in Jerusalem named the "Olive Garden."

Olive Garden Restaurant - Picture of Jerusalem Meridian Hotel - Tripadvisor

 

[Votto]

God parting the Red Sea has also been explained away.

Cairo Egypt - Meteorological phenomena could be behind the parting of the Red Sea, which allowed Moses to help the Israelites escape the Egyptians, a study suggests.

Rebekah Garratt and Rikesh Kunverji, students from the University of Leicester’s School of Biological Sciences, argue there were four natural occurrences which could account for the drying of the area.

The students wrote that negative surges, eastern winds, tidal surges and Rossby Waves, may have caused a resurgence of water large enough to enable a crossing on foot.

Writing in the Journal of Interdisciplinary Topics, the students conclude: “Investigating into the methods in which the waters may have receded, allowing Moses to cross safely, may be dependent on having ‘perfect’ conditions, but are still physically feasible events.

“Meteorological phenomena are known to be notoriously unpredictable and can lead to chaotic chains of events leading to extreme phenomena, which may have been viewed by bystanders as the ‘parting of the sea’.

“Whether a miraculous act of God or due to some of the unlikely, coincidental phenomena discussed in this paper, the chance of ‘parting’ is not zero.”

The students then went out to protest the existence of Jews who they said wished they had drown in the Red Sea while adamantly denying that the Holocaust never happened at the same time, so another expert was consulted about the issue to answer the question of why the Egyptians drown in the Sea when the Israelites did not.

Professor Mohammad Raman of the University of Egypt when confronted with the question at first looked perplexed and agitated. Then he disappeared in his office for over and hour, only to come out later with a theory all his own that was concocted in that short hours. Raman said that more than likely, the reason the Egyptians drown in the sea while the Hebrew people did not was that the Egyptians were not as evolved as the Israelites and probably had not developed legs as of yet as they crawled around on their stomachs like human snakes. However, he then went into a fanatical rage shouting, "But today, may they all perish from the river to the Sea!!!" as the interview had to be cut short quickly before any innocent bystanders were hurt.

 

[Procrustes Stretched]

Miracles in the Bible being explained away by scientists and scholars on Christmas​

And in other news, Votto a member of usmb, has had his world come crashing down after scientists proved the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Clause are all fake.

 

[Votto]

And in other news, Votto a member of usmb, has had his world come crashing down after scientists proved the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Clause are all fake.

I'll tell ya what is real, white Christian Nationalism, the single biggest threat to the existence of humanity other than the dirty Jew Zionism.

And guess what, they are com'in for ya Dante. They are in your schools, they are in your government, they are at every gas station and drug store just waiting for their opportunity to seize power so that they can make you pray to Jesus and make you give up your porn!!!.

And yes, I personally will be hiding under your bed tonight!!


Mwhahahahahaha!!!!

 

[Procrustes Stretched]

I'll tell ya what is real, white Christian Nationalism, the single biggest threat to the existence of humanity other than the dirty Jew Zionism.

And guess what, they are com'in for ya Dante. They are in your schools, they are in your government, they are at every gas station and drug store just waiting for their opportunity to seize power so that they can make you pray to Jesus and make you give up your porn!!!.


View attachment 879005

And yes, I personally will be hiding under your bed tonight!!


Mwhahahahahaha!!!!

ANTIFA is on it.

Votto

 

[ActionJackson]

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Fed The 5,000 With Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Breadsticks

LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday's International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus' miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with "five little loaves and two little fish" was made possible thanks to Olive Garden's famous never-ending...

babylonbee.com

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Fed The 5,000 With Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Breadsticks
THEOLOGY·Aug 19, 2022 · BabylonBee.com
Click here to view this article with reduced ads.

LONDON — Experts in attendance at Friday's International Conference on Metaphysics and Theology were wowed as a panel on Jesus' miracles concluded that the miracle of feeding 5,000 people with "five little loaves and two little fish" was made possible thanks to Olive Garden's famous never-ending breadsticks.
The new theological perspective reportedly comes after years of intense research and deliberation, says Dr. Samuel Andross of Dallas Theological Seminary.
"This miracle makes much more sense now," said Dr. Andross said.



During the panel, experts also claimed that the "two fish" were not miraculously multiplied but were likely "really big fish" that were filleted and dispersed among the people. There is currently a disagreement on whether the fish were great white sharks or possibly a pair of deformed Alaskan Salmon suffering from gigantism.
"They couldn't have been multiplied miraculously because Olive Garden does not offer an unlimited seafood option," clarified Dr. Adam Cheese, head theologian at the London School of Theology.
Conference visitors said the expert opinion on Jesus' miracle really made "the Bible come alive" because they also like Olive Garden breadsticks.
"Honestly, this helps my faith," said theological student Jeremiah Gunthrie. "Jesus magically making bread out of nothing seemed absurd. Access to an Olive Garden waitress makes way more sense. This new clarity is sure to resolve the apparent difficulties of millions."
"I love devoting lots of time and meditation to myths and endless genealogies which give rise to fascinating speculations on matters having nothing at all to do with salvation," he added.
At publishing time, Jesus' other miracle in which He fed 4,000 had been determined to have been performed with unlimited cheese toast from Sizzler.

It's an age, old battle: faith vs. doubt. Christianity and the Bible require faith. Doubters will always look for an explanation -- any explanation -- to negate God and His Word. Interestingly, it takes just as much faith to believe in evolution or "the Big Bang" THEORIES!