let's have a contest...

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Dan, Apr 15, 2004.

  1. Dan
    Offline

    Dan Senior Member

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2003
    Messages:
    3,928
    Thanks Received:
    156
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Aiken, SC
    Ratings:
    +157
    Who can come up with the most retarded joke possible. I'm talking the kinda joke you can't help but laugh at, it's so stupid. I'll start it off:

    1)What did one eye say to the other eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.

    2)A baby seal walks into a club.

    3)A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging down from his crotch. The bartender says "you know you got a steering wheel there". Pirate says "yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
     
  2. Hobbit
    Offline

    Hobbit Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2004
    Messages:
    5,099
    Thanks Received:
    420
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Near Atlanta, GA
    Ratings:
    +421
    Q) What's green and has wheels?









    A) Grass. I lied about the wheels.
     
  3. _dmp_
    Offline

    _dmp_ Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2003
    Messages:
    854
    Thanks Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Ratings:
    +7
    A toothless Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

    :D
     
  4. NewGuy
    Online

    NewGuy Guest

    Ratings:
    +0
    Guy 1: "I once new a guy with only one leg -named Smith."








    Guy 2: "Really? What was the name of his other leg?"
     
  5. Joz
    Offline

    Joz Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2004
    Messages:
    3,392
    Thanks Received:
    221
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Ratings:
    +221
    Two guys walk into a bar.
    The third guy ducks.
     
  6. Aquarian
    Offline

    Aquarian Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2003
    Messages:
    440
    Thanks Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Ratings:
    +1
    A string walks into a bar.

    He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

    The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

    The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and pulls apart the fibers at the bottom of the string.

    He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

    They string replys "No I'm a frayed knot".

    ****************************************

    two peanuts are walking down the street. One was a salted.
    (say it out loud)

    ****************************************

    A bum walked up to me on the street and said he hadn't had a bite all day, so I bit him.
    (thank you henny youngman)
     
  7. Moi
    Offline

    Moi Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2003
    Messages:
    1,859
    Thanks Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    36
    Location:
    The ONLY GOOD place
    Ratings:
    +11
    What did Raggedy Ann do when the toy store closed?
















    Sat on Pinnochio's face and said "Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!"
     
  8. jimnyc
    Offline

    jimnyc ...

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2003
    Messages:
    10,113
    Thanks Received:
    244
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    New York
    Ratings:
    +246
    There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.

    Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.

    While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."

    Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.

    All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.

    The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
     
  9. jimnyc
    Offline

    jimnyc ...

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2003
    Messages:
    10,113
    Thanks Received:
    244
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Location:
    New York
    Ratings:
    +246
    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

    A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

    The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

    She says "Nope that wont work"

    The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

    She says "Nope that wont work"

    The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"
     
  10. musicman
    Offline

    musicman Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2004
    Messages:
    5,171
    Thanks Received:
    533
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    Ohio
    Ratings:
    +533
    Did you hear about the constipated nun?



    She couldn't shit.
     

Share This Page