Darin's Reflections On Spousal Friendship

[Nienna]

Well, D... here's "another thread." So, why do you think that spouses should not be one another's best friends?

 

[dmp]

If your spouse is your best friend, and you fight, you'd have nowhere to turn; no person with enough insight to provide good advice, or advice at least consistant with what they know about you and/or the situation.


See?

Thread closed.

 

[Nienna]

Of course your spouse shouldn't be your ONLY friend, but why shouldn't your spouse be the closest person to you?

 

[007]

Man this is a tough one... I'm not quite sure where I'd fall on this.

But my father has always mantained that my mom is his best friend...

 

[Said1]

You can have two best friends. Your spouse and another of the same sex.

 

[dmp]

Of course your spouse shouldn't be your ONLY friend, but why shouldn't your spouse be the closest person to you?

Best. Closest. Friend.

Not a label for a spouse.

Friendly. Intimate. Loving. Affectionate. Involved. Those are what a spouse is made of...er...I mean...Those are things of which a spouse is made.

Friendly. Loving. Impartial. Involved. Those are things of which a best friend is made. Or 'maid' in some cases...

My telling you my wife is not my best friend is no slight upon her or our relationship. My wife is MUCH more than a friend - even the bestest of friends.

 

[Abbey Normal]

Your spouse can be your best friend in terms of sharing activities, talking, etc., and still be your romantic, affectionate lover. They aren't mutually exclusive. Sometimes we go to a movie like best friends, then come home and hit the sheets, all in one night. Imagine!

 

[fuzzykitten99]

Tim was my best guy friend well before we started dating. He is now my best friend, then its my friend michelle, then diana.

I can tell Tim just about anything that I don't know if I would ever tell Michelle or Di.

80% of the time, I would rather be with my husband having fun somewhere like Valleyfair or MoA, than out with the girls. Time out with the girls is fun too, it's just that they don't like to do some of the things like simulation NASCAR racing at Silicon Speedway or the flight simulators at ACES, etc.

 

[manu1959]

Well, D... here's "another thread." So, why do you think that spouses should not be one another's best friends?

if you are not best friends you shouldn't get married....

 

[Annie]

if you are not best friends you shouldn't get married....

I agree. I thought we were. However, real friends are kind. I know I treat my friends the way I should treat my family/loved ones! They on the other hand, overlook my fallibilities. They would never say that I should get 'this or that' finished, they would say I'm working towards perfection; as is my wont.

I always give my friends, few the true ones are, the benefit of the doubt. Do I do the same with family? Not as often as I should. I'm always looking to make them 'as good as they can be.' I accept my friends for who they are, now.

If my friend left a mess, I would not be happy. I'd tell them. But I would not scream or give them 'silent treatment.' They would get mad. If my kids leave me a mess, I assume they are being selfish and disrespectful. If my dad does, I assume he's taking me for granted and thinks that's my 'role.'

To treat your spouse with different standards than your 'best' friend, will lead to problems. For your spouse to treat you as less than their best friend, means you have a major problem.

 

[manu1959]

I agree. I thought we were. However, real friends are kind. I know I treat my friends the way I should treat my family/loved ones! They on the other hand, overlook my fallibilities. They would never say that I should get 'this or that' finished, they would say I'm working towards perfection; as is my wont.

I always give my friends, few the true ones are, the benefit of the doubt. Do I do the same with family? Not as often as I should. I'm always looking to make them 'as good as they can be.' I accept my friends for who they are, now.

If my friend left a mess, I would not be happy. I'd tell them. But I would not scream or give them 'silent treatment.' They would get mad. If my kids leave me a mess, I assume they are being selfish and disrespectful. If my dad does, I assume he's taking me for granted and thinks that's my 'role.'

To treat your spouse with different standards than your 'best' friend, will lead to problems. For your spouse to treat you as less than their best friend, means you have a major problem.

i agree .... well said....sorry that you friend wasn't

 

[Annie]

i agree .... well said....sorry that you friend wasn't

Thanks, me too. So far my new friend is better. Including dealing with those 'issues.'

 

[roomy]

My wife, slowly but surely has become my best friend.

 

[Nienna]

I agree. I thought we were. However, real friends are kind. I know I treat my friends the way I should treat my family/loved ones! They on the other hand, overlook my fallibilities. They would never say that I should get 'this or that' finished, they would say I'm working towards perfection; as is my wont.

I always give my friends, few the true ones are, the benefit of the doubt. Do I do the same with family? Not as often as I should. I'm always looking to make them 'as good as they can be.' I accept my friends for who they are, now.

If my friend left a mess, I would not be happy. I'd tell them. But I would not scream or give them 'silent treatment.' They would get mad. If my kids leave me a mess, I assume they are being selfish and disrespectful. If my dad does, I assume he's taking me for granted and thinks that's my 'role.'

To treat your spouse with different standards than your 'best' friend, will lead to problems. For your spouse to treat you as less than their best friend, means you have a major problem.

Good point, Kathianne. I think, many times, that the familiarity of living together daily makes people apt to be less polite than they are to others outside their families.

 

[dmp]

Except y'all are mistaken.

You are taking attributes of friendship and closeness and calling them 'best friend attributes'. Surely there are elements in a lot of what you said which 'could' describe one's closest friend.

But a Best Friend is not the person who knows you best. It's you Best Friend. The person whose couch you sleep on when your husband kicks you out of the house/bedroom because you may be an emotionally unaware, distant, cold-hearted ice-queen - That's your Best Friend. Is that person 'the person who knows you best? Most intimately?' not unless you have, or are currently sleeping with them.

 

[dmp]

For your spouse to treat you as less than their best friend, means you have a major problem.

Likewise for one's spounse to treat them AS or EQUAL to their 'best friend' means the couple has major problems.

 

[roomy]

Except y'all are mistaken.

You are taking attributes of friendship and closeness and calling them 'best friend attributes'. Surely there are elements in a lot of what you said which 'could' describe one's closest friend.

But a Best Friend is not the person who knows you best. It's you Best Friend. The person whose couch you sleep on when your husband kicks you out of the house/bedroom because you may be an emotionally unaware, distant, cold-hearted ice-queen - That's your Best Friend. Is that person 'the person who knows you best? Most intimately?' not unless you have, or are currently sleeping with them.

Or, like me, you have no others you could or would call best friend.

 

[Dan]

But, here's the real question: would your wife be completely fine with you telling her "you're not my best friend"?

 

[The ClayTaurus]

If your spouse is your best friend, and you fight, you'd have nowhere to turn; no person with enough insight to provide good advice, or advice at least consistant with what they know about you and/or the situation.


See?

Thread closed.

What if you fight with your non-spousal best friend? Who do you turn to then?

 

[dmp]

But, here's the real question: would your wife be completely fine with you telling her "you're not my best friend"?

She has critical thinking skills - she'd not only be fine with it, she'd be encouraged. She really hopes she's WAY beyond Best Friends with me. In fact, to label her my 'best friend' would be a bit of a downer, I'd guess.