Darin's Reflections On Spousal Friendship

[Dan]

In fact, to label her my 'best friend' would be a bit of a downer, I'd guess.

That's weird.

 

[Bonnie]

Of course your spouse shouldn't be your ONLY friend, but why shouldn't your spouse be the closest person to you?

Yup!!

 

[Joz]

I've been looking at this for 2 days.

Sex is what sets a relationship between a man & a woman apart from every other one. (this has nothing to do with parent/child relationships) Without intimacy, there is no true marriage. And intimacy on many levels; physically, emotionally, spitirually....

But before it gets to that intimate stage, you'd better be 'best friends'.
There should be such a level of trust that you are able to carry the relationship to this step. There should be no other best friend other than your spouse. You might have a 'best' friend that you can tell anything to, without judgement, but your spouse should be this and more.
Women need the emotional intimacy in order for her to be able to give herself to a man, whereas a man will beome more emotionally intimate through the physical. Both require the utmost trust.

And if you have a really heated argument, you might want to take a walk, but being tossed out or leaving to go sleep on someone else's couch is unconscionable. If you have a fight, the person you should to be talking with is your spouse, not someone else....unless it's a trusted counselor. Alot of arguments & disagreements would be settled in due time if a third party's opinion was not brought into play. The marriage vow says, "forsaking all others"; that covers alot of area.

 

[Nienna]

I agree with Said that a person can have more than one best friend. I think your spouse should be a very close friend, and the person with whom you are most intimate. It's extremely important to be able to relate to each other mentally and emotionally (and physically!)

But I also believe that women need other women. My husband is a wonderful man, but he's WAAAAYYYY too much of a "guy" to be my "best friend." I need my girlfriends. There's some stuff that only another woman would completely understand.

 

[Joz]

.... I also believe that women need other women. My husband is a wonderful man, but he's WAAAAYYYY too much of a "guy" to be my "best friend." I need my girlfriends. There's some stuff that only another woman would completely understand.

There is a difference in 'girltalk' than what I'm referring to.

I once knew a woman whom I found out was dating my baby's doctor. She went into detail of their beroom activities to my mother while I went outside with my son. But I still got to hear it second hand. It was embarrassing for me to have to stand in the examining room with this man knowing what I did about him. I wonder how he would have felt if he'd known what she was telling.

How would you feel if you're at a barbeque and one of your hubby's friends made a joke about some intimate detail you'd shared? That is what I'm referring to. Not the kind of conversation women need from each other.

 

[Nienna]

There is a difference in 'girltalk' than what I'm referring to.

I once knew a woman whom I found out was dating my baby's doctor. She went into detail of their beroom activities to my mother while I went outside with my son. But I still got to hear it second hand. It was embarrassing for me to have to stand in the examining room with this man knowing what I did about him. I wonder how he would have felt if he'd known what she was telling.

How would you feel if you're at a barbeque and one of your hubby's friends made a joke about some intimate detail you'd shared? That is what I'm referring to. Not the kind of conversation women need from each other.

Totally agree. Details about what goes on in our bedroom should stay between us. My husband is a true gentleman in this respect. I feel like I can completely trust him about this. I am worse. Sometimes, I start talking, and I say say more than I should have before I remember to turn off my mouth.

 

[Annie]

There is a difference in 'girltalk' than what I'm referring to.

I once knew a woman whom I found out was dating my baby's doctor. She went into detail of their beroom activities to my mother while I went outside with my son. But I still got to hear it second hand. It was embarrassing for me to have to stand in the examining room with this man knowing what I did about him. I wonder how he would have felt if he'd known what she was telling.

How would you feel if you're at a barbeque and one of your hubby's friends made a joke about some intimate detail you'd shared? That is what I'm referring to. Not the kind of conversation women need from each other.

I don't have any friends that would do such a thing. I've heard people doing it, but not people I wish to associate with.

I think there are differences perhaps on how most women consider real 'friends' and what some men refer to as 'friends'?

Certainly if men think that Joz's acquaintance was typical of women's talk, I wouldn't blame them from 'save me from being friends'. On the other hand, I think women often can have those 'deep' conversations with women, that most men really do not care for, usually. i.e., "How do you think "we" are doing?" It's that whole 'verbal' vs. 'demonstrate' difference.

 

[Joz]

Totally agree. Details about what goes on in our bedroom should stay between us. My husband is a true gentleman in this respect. I feel like I can completely trust him about this. I am worse. Sometimes, I start talking, and I say say more than I should have before I remember to turn off my mouth.

I think most women are guilty of this. Especially if we're really upset about something. We need to talk, plain & simple.

 

[5stringJeff]

I fail to see how a spouse could not become one's best friend. That term doesn't necessarily exclude intimacy, sex, etc. It simply means that there is no one else you would rather turn to for friendship than your spouse. That's what good relationships are made of.

 

[dmp]

I fail to see how a spouse could not become one's best friend. That term doesn't necessarily exclude intimacy, sex, etc. It simply means that there is no one else you would rather turn to for friendship than your spouse. That's what good relationships are made of.

I'm not saying a spouse could NOT become somebody's best friend in practice. I'm saying it's Healthy for each spouse to have a Best Friend - somebody OTHER than the person with whom they are fighting.

 

[5stringJeff]

I'm not saying a spouse could NOT become somebody's best friend in practice. I'm saying it's Healthy for each spouse to have a Best Friend - somebody OTHER than the person with whom they are fighting.

I would absolutely agree that one should have close friends outside of the marriage, whom one can confide in about tough issues, including marital spats. But I think your spouse ought to be your closest friend of all.

 

[dmp]

I would absolutely agree that one should have close friends outside of the marriage, whom one can confide in about tough issues, including marital spats. But I think your spouse ought to be your closest friend of all.

Closeness comes from being one's spouse; spouse > friend.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

We're all just playing word games at this point.

 

[misterblu]

I would absolutely agree that one should have close friends outside of the marriage, whom one can confide in about tough issues, including marital spats. But I think your spouse ought to be your closest friend of all.

Personally, I think that sharing the details of marital spats, with others outside of a marriage, creates more problems than it's worth. I agree with everything else you stated.

 

[misterblu]

We're all just playing word games at this point.

At this point? It was always a word game.

 

[dmp]

We're all just playing word games at this point.

Not a word game - a label game.

Friends < Spouses.

Best Friend - a person (generally of the same gender) who is the friend who knows you best.

Wife/Husband - a intimate person (only of the opposite gender) who knows you better than you may know yourself. And stuff.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Not a word game - a label game.

Friends < Spouses.

Best Friend - a person (generally of the same gender) who is the friend who knows you best.

Wife/Husband - a intimate person (only of the opposite gender) who knows you better than you may know yourself. And stuff.

Jesus. You're playing words games with the actual phrase "word game."

 

[5stringJeff]

Jesus. You're playing words games with the actual phrase "word game."

 

[misterblu]

Jesus. You're playing words games with the actual phrase "word game."

Heh. When I read that, I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing.

 

[dmp]

Personally, I think that sharing the details of marital spats, with others outside of a marriage, creates more problems than it's worth. I agree with everything else you stated.

Sharing details of MY marital spats with a few close friends SAVED my married.