Adam Kinzinger thrilled he will no longer be invited to Thanksgiving!

[DrLove]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Adam Kinzinger is thrilled that he will no longer be invited to his cousins’ Thanksgiving, the Illinois Republican has confirmed.​

​

Speaking to reporters, Kinzinger said that he had been trying to get out of going to his relatives’ “excruciating” festivities for years, but was never able to devise a successful strategy for doing so.​

​

“I thought maybe I could claim I had a work thing, or the stomach flu, but everything I came up with seemed too obvious,” he said. “Little did I know that protecting and defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced.”​

​

Kinzinger said that he had not yet decided how he would spend the hours that had been freed up by his ostracism from Thanksgiving. “Maybe I’ll binge-watch Netflix or get to some of the books that have been piling up on my nightstand,” he said. “Who knows? A whole new world is opening up for me.”​

​

Reflecting on his unexpected liberation from Thanksgiving, the congressman said, “You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about cancel culture. Cancel culture has been super good to me.”​

Adam Kinzinger Thrilled He Will No Longer Be Invited to Thanksgiving

“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

www.newyorker.com

 

[Slade3200]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Adam Kinzinger is thrilled that he will no longer be invited to his cousins’ Thanksgiving, the Illinois Republican has confirmed.​

​

Speaking to reporters, Kinzinger said that he had been trying to get out of going to his relatives’ “excruciating” festivities for years, but was never able to devise a successful strategy for doing so.​

​

“I thought maybe I could claim I had a work thing, or the stomach flu, but everything I came up with seemed too obvious,” he said. “Little did I know that protecting and defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced.”​

​

Kinzinger said that he had not yet decided how he would spend the hours that had been freed up by his ostracism from Thanksgiving. “Maybe I’ll binge-watch Netflix or get to some of the books that have been piling up on my nightstand,” he said. “Who knows? A whole new world is opening up for me.”​

​

Reflecting on his unexpected liberation from Thanksgiving, the congressman said, “You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about cancel culture. Cancel culture has been super good to me.”​

Adam Kinzinger Thrilled He Will No Longer Be Invited to Thanksgiving

“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

www.newyorker.com

The Zing is a cool dude. I hope he does well in his political aspirations. We need more leaders like him.

 

[Ben Thomson]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Adam Kinzinger is thrilled that he will no longer be invited to his cousins’ Thanksgiving, the Illinois Republican has confirmed.​

​

Speaking to reporters, Kinzinger said that he had been trying to get out of going to his relatives’ “excruciating” festivities for years, but was never able to devise a successful strategy for doing so.​

​

“I thought maybe I could claim I had a work thing, or the stomach flu, but everything I came up with seemed too obvious,” he said. “Little did I know that protecting and defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced.”​

​

Kinzinger said that he had not yet decided how he would spend the hours that had been freed up by his ostracism from Thanksgiving. “Maybe I’ll binge-watch Netflix or get to some of the books that have been piling up on my nightstand,” he said. “Who knows? A whole new world is opening up for me.”​

​

Reflecting on his unexpected liberation from Thanksgiving, the congressman said, “You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about cancel culture. Cancel culture has been super good to me.”​

Adam Kinzinger Thrilled He Will No Longer Be Invited to Thanksgiving

“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

www.newyorker.com

[/QU

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Adam Kinzinger is thrilled that he will no longer be invited to his cousins’ Thanksgiving, the Illinois Republican has confirmed.​

​

Speaking to reporters, Kinzinger said that he had been trying to get out of going to his relatives’ “excruciating” festivities for years, but was never able to devise a successful strategy for doing so.​

​

“I thought maybe I could claim I had a work thing, or the stomach flu, but everything I came up with seemed too obvious,” he said. “Little did I know that protecting and defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced.”​

​

Kinzinger said that he had not yet decided how he would spend the hours that had been freed up by his ostracism from Thanksgiving. “Maybe I’ll binge-watch Netflix or get to some of the books that have been piling up on my nightstand,” he said. “Who knows? A whole new world is opening up for me.”​

​

Reflecting on his unexpected liberation from Thanksgiving, the congressman said, “You’ll never hear me say a bad thing about cancel culture. Cancel culture has been super good to me.”​

Adam Kinzinger Thrilled He Will No Longer Be Invited to Thanksgiving

“Little did I know that defending the Constitution from a violent insurrection was just the thing to get me bounced,” the Illinois Republican said.

www.newyorker.com

he sounds like somebody who has finally broken away from a cult..

 

[Oddball]

Bore-owitz....Funny as a rubber crutch.