Sasquatch Hunter Tangles With Bill and Hillary Clinton

[Lord Long Rod]

“Well Sir, It wuz about 1997 I reckon and I wuz out at my still site making me sum product. I had to produce 500 gallons of hooch in jest a couple days or I wuz gonna be in sum BIG trouble. Ya see, about a week ago I wint inta town a’fore my monthly trip fo supplies. This is whin I gits my corn and sugar, and my Sudafed.”



“Well, my monthly town trip usually takes up the good part of the day. After I finish I usually go down to the local cat house to wet my noodle and then hit a local hotspot, “The Lynchin’ Tree”, fer some of the devil’s nectar and good times.”



“So on this here particular night I wuz jest a sittin’ and a drinkin’ at the bar in the “Tree”. All a sudden this here sweet little thang saddled up a’side me at da bar in one of them thar mini skertz and having one of the best “fuck me silly” looks I ever seen in her eyes. She wuz a petite little brunette with curly hair, a dark complexion, and blow job lips.”



“Now Sir, I shoulda jest turned around, got off’n my bar stool and shot sum pool er sumthin. Hell, I had already been to the cat house tonight and got my fill. I had me 3 sloots at the whore house at one time. I picked out a chank, a wetback, and a negro girl. Then we played “Slave Master and Rebellion”, which be a lil foreplayin game I went and made up. Then we all fucks each other, with strap-ons, and dildos, and wax covered axe handles. Anything and everthang goes!”



“So I got done ober at da hoe house a lil late tonight. Ya see, tonight thangs got a little too wild. After the help cleaned up all the blood and jizz soaked sheets, shit covered walls, and the purple dildo stuck in the wall, they found that thar little chink girl dead. I don’t know what happened to ‘er. It must of jest been her time, I reckon. Clearly it wuz natural causes. But I had to help the house clean up the mess.”



“Ya see, this here little ching-chong girl wuz imported. She wuz recruited from over seas to be in the Jizz-Biz. But don’t gits the wrong idea about Old Roy. I ain’t no pervert. I always makes sure they of legal age a’fer I violates them. You can tell by countin the rings inside thar vaginas. Remember: Less than 5 and yer gettin’ life; 6 or more and ya bang dat whore!”



“Now, this here weak-Constitutioned chinky chick wuz a’gonna be a problem fer the house because she wuz leased out to ‘em, ya know what I mean? She was owned by one of them thar sex trafficking cartels, and the house wuz gonna have to pay dearly fer losin’ cartel proppitty.”



“Now Old Roy is one of them thar ‘always thinkin on his feet’ kind of fellers. I knew the house wuz going to be right pissed off about this. If they didn’t kilt me, then the sex trafficking cartel would. So while all eyes were on the dead chink’s contorted body, I dived out the winder and ran fer it.”



“Of course, I shoulda high-tailed it back home to Sasquatch Hollar. But I really wanted that drink at ‘The Lynchin’ Tree’ a’fer I wint home. Plus, I had an appointment to meet with my H dealer, Old Wild Bill from Thomasville. We wuz gonna transact sum biznez then have us a friendly game of pool. So I decided to take me one of them thar calculated risks and head on over to the ‘Tree’.”



“Now, back to where I wuz. I wuz sittin at the bar when this hot little thang with the “fuck me silly” eyes and the “bend me over right here” mini skert sat down beside me. I knew she wuz trouble when I noticed the knife scar on her right cheek. Nonetheless, when my old hawg laig smells him sum good old pussy, he takes over as captain of the ship.”



“Well, to cut to the chase, about 10 minutes later I had this black-haired beauty bent over the toilet in the men’s room as I plowed her from behind. Then I thought, ‘fuck it, I ain’t a never gonna see this bitch again.’ Then I pulled out and planted my cock right up her colon. She gasped and lunged to one side. This caused her to get out of balance. The next thang I knew, I heard a great big old “THUNK!!!” “SPLASH!!!” Turns out she went head first right into the toilet!”



“Being the gentleman I is, I slowed down my pumpin jest a bit and asked ‘Is you ok, bitch?’ There wuz no answer. ‘Uh oh!’ I thought. I squinted my eyes and looked at the toilet. It wuz undoubtedly covered in a shiny red liquid. ‘Oh shit’, I thought. The first thang to shoot inta my mind wuz that I better bring this little romantic liaison to a conclusion. So I started a’pumpin’ and a’thumpin that ass double time, before that thar rigor mortis sets in.”



“Then ‘BOOM!’.... I deposited my seed. As I composed myself, I looked down at her head in the toilet bowel. It is a shame this poor girl had to go this way. I started to feel a twinge of regret now fer not flushin’ the toilet after I took that dump. It is a god-awful mess in thar! But little did I know in that brief moment that things were abouts to get much worse!”



“Alla sudden the door busts open. And when I say busts open, I mean it shattered inta pieces!! 2 big assed, swarthy Arab lookin gorillas barged in, punched me right in my face, then dragged me out in the bar room. I am stunned. We are jest a standing there, one gorilla on each side of me, when I notice sumthin strange: the whole bar wuz now empty. ‘WTF?!?!’, I thought. Jest 10 minutes early this place wuz jumpin. Now it’s completely empty!”



“I heard the squeaky front door open and looked in that direction. In walks this slick dressed Persian guy, wearing him a black silk shirt, white slacks, greased-back hair, and about 75 lbs of gold chains around his neck.

He walks right up to me and asks me if I know who he is. I decided to guess. ‘Is you da 7-11 owner?’ The swarthy guy shook his head. I decided to guess again. ‘Saddam Hussein?’ The guy smiled.”



“Then the magic carpet dealer spoke. He said ‘You killed one of my best girls tonight, Moo-Shoo Pie. You owe me.’ I asked ‘Who?’ He replied ‘The girl in the whore house.’ I sed, ‘Sheeyit, man, that lil old bitch died of natural causes.’ The pecker head smiled and sed, “It is not natural to die with a dildo lodged so far up one’s anus that it cannot be extracted.’”



“So then I starts to get a little ornery. ‘Look, ya greasy f#ggot, what it is exactly that you want? Stop a waistin my FUCKING TIME and get to the point!’, I sed. The cocaine I snorted earlier wuz starting to kick in real good about now.”



“The smug Persian prick continued, ‘You owe me for the girl. She was my property. I stated my price. Pay me now or die.’ I looked at him, squinted my eyes, and sed, ‘You did not state me no price, you lyin, Lilly-livered, chunk of dog sheet!’”



“Now the Persian twat was lookin irritated. He sed, ‘Irma gave you the price.’ I shrugged. ‘Irma, I sent her ahead in an attempt to resolve this nasty matter before I arrived’, he sed. Then one of those big gorillas around me cleared his throat and sed ‘Uh, Sir, Irma is in the restroom back there.’ I sed ‘Oh, that wuz Irma? Oh yeah! I knows her. I fucked her to death!’”



“Well, Sir, that Persian punk inspected Irma’s body in the can, head all bloody and covered in poop in the toilet. Then he flew into a rage! He pulled out 2 scimitars from his pants! How he carried them in his pants without choppin off his ding-dong, I’ll never figure out. Then he started yellin all sorts of Iranian jibber-jabber. I think he meant to kill me.”



“The Persian’s freak out unnerved the two gorillas at my sides, so they let me go and backed away. The Persian is twirling his blades and yelling, like sum deranged Benihana f#ggot. Then he stopped and stared at me. Rage boiled in his eyes. He slowly raised the sword he held in his right hand and pointed at me with it. His voice quivering, he whispered, ‘Now you die.’”



“Now, I hated to ruin this swarthy little fucker’s wet dream, but I wuz not a gonna let sum fucker slice and dice me. I drew both my pistols at one time. I first pointed them out to my sides and at the gorillas. Double taps in both of their heads... ‘BAM BAM!’ They both fell like stones.”



“Ya see, Old Uncle Roy may be crazy, but he ain’t stupid. I always pack heat in case I need to get out of a sticky situation. Tonight I wuz packing me a couple of Model 30 Glocks (.45 ACP). Those two swarthy gorillas did not even pat me down. What fucking idiots!”



“I then pointed both my pistols at the Persian Prick. His eyes grew wide and wild. I sed ‘Say hello to Allah, you Iranian prick’, then opened fire.”



By this time I had been in town fer jest a few hours, but there wuz now a total of 5 bodies floatin’ around in my wake. I thought to myself, ‘shit-far! I needs to git!’ And git is jest what I did! I hauled ass back to Sasquatch Hollar.”



“Well, about lunch time the next day, the sheriff came up to see me. I wuz tannin a Bigfoot hide when I herd footsteps coming up the trail. ‘Goddamn revenewers’, I thought. I reached over fer my shootin iron leaned up agin the woodpile, An FN Ballista chambered in .338 Lapua. Then I heard a familiar voice call out: ‘ROY!! IT’S SHERIFF STEEL. DON’T SHOOT!’ I raised my rifle.”



“Well then, old Sheriff stepped out of the woods. I lowered my shootin iron and motioned him to approach. Old sheriff is one of the few folks knows how ta finds me. Ya see, we have us a little sideline deal where he lets my bootleggers run free in the county in return fo a cash kickback to him. Now, I could jest send him on a vacation to Belize. But ya never know who ya gonna gits next. So’s I jest deals with the old feller and let him think he’s in charge.”



“Sheriff walked up ta me and sed ‘Howdy, Roy’. I responded, ‘Go git fucked, ya pig.’ Sheriff hated when I talked like this. He continued, ‘Now Roy, don’t be like that. We got a real problem here. You killed FIVE people last night’. I sed, ‘shit-fire, Sheriff, you can’t prove that.’ Sheriff shook his old head and sed, ‘Roy, the state police came down this morning. They got your DNA from those two girls, and they dug bullets out of those 3 other bodies. It’s just a matter of time before they all get linked back to you.’ I asked Sheriff, ‘What’s this here “DNA” bullshit? Is that thar sum kind of leftist agenda that Hillary Clinton is behind? That nasty bitch!’”



“Old Sheriff was cucked cause he could be implicated in my shine venture.... and my meth venture.... and my endangered specie animal parts trafficking venture. Sheriff wuz a real pussy, and a potential witness. I started to reach fer my pistol tucked away in my jacket when Sheriff told me we could cut a deal with the head Statie.”



“‘What the fuck you talkin bout, Sheriff’, I asked. That crazy old coot said that the head of the state police wuz wanting to get in the shine business. Sheriff had gave him sum of Old Roy’s shine recently and it seems he had a fit over it. In fact, he wuz interested in getting a hold of sum of my shine and distributing it out toward the coast. Sheriff seems to think that if’n I offered him a taste of the action then he may overlook all that nasty business that went down last night.”



“I sighed. Then I sed to Sheriff, ‘Shit fire. I reckon you better set up a meetin.’ Sheriff nodded. He called that Statie sumbitch. Of course, I don’t git none of them pussy cell signals up’n here, so Sheriff had to hump it down the hill. Then shit started bothering me. Sheriff never came back. I started to gits paranoid. That sumbitch useless Sheriff might leads them Staties right up to my cabin. So I decided to get all my weapons ready and prepare fer a fire fight!”



“Bout 8:00 pm that night I heard a knocking on my cabin door. I looked on my CCTV monitor showing my front door. It wuz Sheriff And sum dipshit looking guy. ‘Well shit, I guess I better see what this wuz about”, I thought to myself.”



“Now obviously I gots my cabin booby trapped. I flipped my remote trigger and gassed both of them at my front door. It didn’t harm ‘em any. It jest knocks them out fer a few minutes. I installed the system myself! This allowed me to drag ‘em both inta the cabin and tie ‘em up. I left both of ‘em tied up on the floor then wint out and scanned for interlopers. It wuz quiet. Real quiet.”



“When them two sumbitches regained consciousness we had us a little talk. Sheriff said ‘Goddamnit, Roy! Why’d ya go and do a fool thing like that? My head is killing me!’ I told Sheriff to shut the fuck up. Now that Statie wuz pissed. He started making threats and all sorts of bad noise about how he wuz gonna burn me. He wuz clearly one of them thar alpha males, all purty and assertive.”



“Well, Sir, I don’t like them thar alpha males much. So I took my M-14, which I happened to have handy, and violently struck that sumbitch Statie right in his fucking face with the butt of my gun stock. Boy howdy! That city boy started squallin like a stuck hog! Blood wuz jest a pourin outa his nose! Heh heh heh!! I told him to shut the fuck up or I wuz gonna hit him again. Then he finally settled down enough fer me ta talk to him.”



“I looked eye to eye with that Statie sum bitch and sed, ‘Look, ****, you and I is gonna have ta come to an understanding. Now I may be a willin to let you in on my shine biznezz if’n you cover up sum thangs that may have happened last night down in town. Hell, you can do that real easy like. You fellers do that all the time anyway, don’t ya? Jest pick you out a black feller and blame him fer the misdeeds. If’n you do that fer me, then I let you distribute my shine outside the county fer 10% of the revenue. You got that, pig?’”



“Now, clearly the pig did not git it. I could tell by the way he wuz lookin at me that he wuz not gettin it at all. I sed, ‘Well, boy, you jest fucked yoself.’ Then ‘BOOM!!!’ The report from the muzzle of my trusty old M-14 were a’deafening. Then I looked over at Sheriff. He wuz jest a shaken’. I called him a ‘shithead’, then ‘BOOM!!!’. Goddamn!! My ears were jest a’ rangin!”



“Then came another knock on my door. ‘Shit fire!’, I sed. They dun fucked me. I checked the CCTV feed of my front door. It wuz just one feller this time. He wuz dressed in a black suit and he wuz wearin black sun glasses. ‘Oh fuck’, I thunk, ‘It am a Men in Black!’ So I grabbed my AR-10 layin up agin the farplace, snapped back the chargin handle, and pointed it at the cabin door. I yelled at the door, ‘Prepare to die, cocksucker!!’”



“But before I could unleash a fury of .308 firepower this sumbitch comes a’ crashin through the winder. Goddamn it! I fergot to shutter them sumbitchin winders!!”



“That thar Men in Black muthafucka wuz up in an instant. He had a Sig P226 trained on my head. He told me to drop my gun. I sed to him ‘Fuck you’. Ya see, obviously if the Men in Black wuz in on this matter then I had sumthang they wanted. I wuz in the driver’s Seat in this here situation!”



“ ‘BANG!!!!’ That sumbitch shot me in the thigh! ‘You dirty sumbitch! When I gits my hands on you I gonna rip ya limb for limb’, I Says. Then BOOM! I hit the floor. The pain in my laig wuz searing!”



“Well, Sir, that there sumbitch walks over and stands over me. He asked, ‘Do you know who I am?’ I says ‘Yeah, you am the sumbitch that jest shot me in ma leg, ASSHOLE!!’ He smirked. Then he sed ‘No, Sir. My name is James Carville, and I work for a man who wants to procure some of your corn liquor.’”



“Now, up close this is one scary looking pecker. And he spoke with a southern twang, he did. But it twernt no dialect from the hill country. No sir! This scrawny little prick sounded Cajun or sumthin. Now I don’t like me no Cajun. Uhhhh uh! No sir! Thems sum chicken fuckin’ sumbitches down thar!”



“I queried the skanky lookin stranger, ‘Who be yo boss, stick man?’, I asked. He answered my question with one of his own, ‘Who is the President Of The United States?’ I answered, ‘As far as is I be concerned, there be no president like Mr. Ronald Reagan, the greatest American to set foot in Washington DC in a might long time!’ He sed ‘No, I mean who is the president TODAY, in 1997?’ I sed, ‘Well I reckon that be that lyin’ bitch-****, Hillary Clinton.’”



“Well my last comment caused the stranger’s face to contort a bit, like he did not know what to say. Then the feller busted out laughing his fool hed off! He wuz a slapping his knee and repeating “bitch-****”, which seemed to rile him up and make him laugh that much harder.”



“Finally the stranger settled his ass down. He told me he had not laughed that hard in a long time. Then he spoke calmly and sed ‘Look, Roy, my boss is called Bubba. He’s just a good old boy from Arkansas. But when we was in North Carolina campaigning he somehow got his hands on a jar of your shine. He was told that this particular jar contained a special brew that was called ‘Snow White’. Apparently it was called that because it contained something that would put people to sleep.’ “



“I remembered that run of liquor. I spiked it with ruffies, a/k/a the date rape drug. I also spanked it hard with watermelon and sugars so that the bitches would drank it. A couple sips and the bitch wuz out like a light! I did not particularly like it my own self. But I had a buyer from up north who bought all I could produce. He had him a strange name too.... Sumthin like “Jello Pop man”. I mean, I don’t rightly care what he wuz a doin wit it. I jest cared that his money wuz good. And it wuz always good!”



“So I said ‘So let me see if’n I gots this right. You wants me to brew you up sum my date rape liquor for old Wild Bill Clinton?’ The stranger nodded and sed ‘Yep, that’s right.’ Then I asked, ‘What’s in it a’ fore old Roy here?’ The stranger looked incredulously at me.”



“The stranger sed ‘Roy! Roy, Roy, Roy, my boy! You just killed 7 people!’ ‘ALLEGEDLY’, I added. The stranger then added, ‘We can make all that nasty business go away, but to do that you got to produce that Snow White Shine. Bubba wants 500 gallons in two days. If you deliver, then all is forgotten. But if you don’t, then you are going to hang, boy. Do you understand?’ I nodded, then protested, sayin ‘that’s $50,000.00 in revenue you is askin me to give up. Is you crazy???’ The stranger sed, ‘if you go to jail then you ain’t making shit except cheap wine in a toilet bowl.’ I pondered a moment.”



“Now usually I don’t take too well with being blackmailed. But this here wuz different. These wuz the fukin Clintons, one of the most dangerous crime families ever. Even if I twere ta git rid of this Carville asshole, those slimy Clintons would send more thugs after me. Under the circumstances I wuz fucked! I guess I had to look at that lost revenue as being the price fer my freedom.”



“I told Carville that it wuz a Deal. He nodded and shook my hand. I asked him how they wuz gonna clear me of all those homicides. He sed they would just get sum ‘dumbass negro’ and pin it all on him.’



“Now, I had to get 500 gallons of Snow White ready fer pickup in 48 hours. I had me a lot of work to do!”



“This here is how the story started off, and we are back at square one. I is out at my still sight jest a brewin up a storm! I had me a retarded boy named Tyrone wit me as my still hand. Old Tyrone ain’t gots much smarts, but he do as I say when I say it. This here job wuz so damn big I had to have the help. This wuz gonna take ever bit of that 48 hours!”



“So there we wuz, runnin shine. It wuz after midnight and we wuz already on our third run. Suddenly there was a ‘boom’ and a loud ‘clang!’ sound. I saw the rock after it bounced off my copper pot. ‘What in tarnation?’ I thought. Is somebody throwing rocks at me? I ain’t got no time fer that shit. Then ‘PING!!’.... another rock hit my still. Something wuz goin on. I knew that there wuz only one thing that would be throwing rocks at a still sight in the middle of the night: a goddamn Sasquatch!!”



“Well I let out an angry scream: ‘I AIN’T A’GOT NO TIME FER YER HIJINKS TOONITE, YA GODDAMN MONKEY-MAN! I GOTS ME SUM SERIOUS BUSINESS TO TEND TO!!’ I wuz pissed!!”



“Then I saw two glowin red eyes starin at me. They wuz about 10 yards er so inta the woodline. Well sir, that wuz it. All the stress of the manhunt and the Clinton butt-fukin, was a’gettin to me. I wuz pissed and I wuz gonna take it out on this here Sasquatch beast, right here and right NOW!”



“I immediately took off the bayonet from my trusty old M-14 and then leaned her up agin a tree. I needed sum cathartic release. So I aimed to whup this critter’s ass in hand-to-hand combat! Just fists and steel!”



“ I stormed off toward them red glowin eyes in the dark. As I walked up on that thar critter I began to realize how big it be. It wuz a good 16 feet tall, minimum! And prolly 7 feet across the chest. As the gravity of my miscalculation sunk in I sed to myself ‘You dun fucked up, Roy’. Those red blazin eyes twere a’starin down at me, cutting right to my soul!”



“Then sumthang phenomenal happened. That thar Sasquatch raised its arm and waived it over its head in a half-circle motion. Then ‘BOOM!!!!!’ We, The Sasquatch critter and I, were surrounded by a pulsating lime-green light! I looked down at what used to be ground and there were nuthin there!!! ABSOLUTELY NUTHIN!! I looked up above me and it wuz exactly the same thang! It wuz like we wuz floatin in a lime green tube!!!”



“Lookin back I now know I wuz in one of them thar portals, and that the Bigfoot activated it! I had heard talk of sech, but I didn’t believe it. But there I wuz, right in the middle of it!”



“Now that thar Bigfoot wuz a standin and gazing down at yers truly. But it wuz no longer emitting a threatening vibe. It wuz more like my host, or guide.”



“This dang sorcerer Bigfoot then stepped aside to reveal a rock table behind it. It looked like one of them thar satanic execution ritual tables. On this table we’re 3 thangs. First wuz a photo of that rat-bastard, crooked sum bitch, Bill Clinton, and that Men in Black prick, James Carville. Next wuz a hit order from the CIA directing that sum feller names “Vincent Foster” be wiped out. I’m familiar with these orders from back in my military days during and after Nam. They am HIGHLY top secret. This here particular death warrant wuz signed ‘William Jefferson Clinton, by HRC’. Shocking!! Finally, the third object on the table wuz a blue dress with an obvious jizz stain on it.”



“I could not believe it. This dagnammit Sasquatch wuz helpin me!! It knew that Bill Clinton wuz a’tryin to fuck me like one of his whores, and it wuz tryin to help old Roy out of a tough spot. Maybe I had misjudged these smelly beasts. Or maybe it had come to respect old Roy after our many scuff ups.”



“That thar big old Sasquatch motioned me to collect the items on the execution table, which I did. Then I looked up into those burning red eyes of the spectral beast and nodded my thanks. The beast then made that semi-circle motion with its arm again and BOOM! I wuz back in the woods again. But that supernatural Sasquatch wuz a’nowhere To be found. That wuz sum freaky bullshit right thar!”



“Then I heard old Tyrone shoutin fer me, ‘Mister Roy!! Mister Roy!!’ I stepped out of the woods and back into my still site. I told Tyrone it wuz ok. I also told him he could run along. Tyrone asked ‘But what about that dirty rat-bastard Bill Clinton?’ I sed, ‘Don’t you worry none about that. I gots me sum ammunition against that dirty **** and her husband. Now fuck off.’”



“By the time old fuck-face Carville and I met 2 days later the cum dress scandal had hit the media. I had made sum phone calls and I got the rag in the right hands. I handed Carville a copy of the hit order on Vincent Foster. This wuz my insurance policy. I told that shit-head, ‘Now, that jizz-stained dress wuz to show you I wuz serious. You try to fuck me any more and I will instruct my media contact to release the hit order and all you scum-fuckers in the Clinton mafia are goin down.’ Carville demanded to know how I got these thangs. I unzipped my trousers and pulled out my big old wang and sed ‘Carville, I got you over the barrel. If’n you don’t check that insolent tone I is gonna make ya take it up the poop shoot ... in addition to suckin my big whompin stick.’”



“Well, old Carville bowed his head because he knowed that he’d been beat. Then he got down on his knees at Old Roy’s feet. Roy sed ‘open wide if’n you never seen one like this before! I dun warned you once, you ugly sumbitch, and now ya gonna be my whore!’”



“And that is how I got over on that rotten sumbitch, Bill Clinton. All them thar dead bodies got swept under the rug. The pigs found them not only a black man to blame, but he wuz also one of them thar Muslim dudes! Of course that whoring suck, Bill Clinton, stepped in and took credit for nabbing a “terrorist” so he could get positive news coverage. Then when that skank-bitch Hillary Clinton found out this Muslim sumbitch was a’bein railroaded to keep the Vincent Foster murder covered up, she immediately had old ‘Tyrone Muhammad Jones’ murdered before he even went to trial. So they still ended up fucking me by shortin’ me a still hand! Dirty motherfuckers! I ain’t never known nobody that can get fucked yet still come out on top like that. That goddamn Bill and Hillary Clinton positively made deals with the Devil.”

 

[Lumpy 1]

Sheesh.. I’ll read the rest later, I need a coffee first..