Oram's Capitalism Testimony: Xeno-Psoriasis

Abishai100

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Sep 22, 2013
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This is a capitalism-parody inspired by Alien: Covenant.

Cheers,




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Agent Oram was stationed on planet AG-123 and looking for the dreaded predatory 'Xenomorph' alien-creature and bring back some tissue-sample of it for Weyland Corporation (a science-firm on Earth). The year was 2910, and Oram was trusted to be humanity's best hope at categorizing and understanding the Xenomorph and preventing the species from landing on Earth and destroying it. The Xenomorph was a predatory creature first and foremost with an extremely well-developed sense of Machiavellian precision regarding the will to kill as a 'superiority-statement.' Oram engaged with the 'Xeno' when he found it in a cave and was surprised it could speak...

ORAM: You're hiding in this cave?
XENO: Turn your flashlight away (it shocks my eye-pupils).
ORAM: That's why you hesitated in killing me?
XENO: What else? What do you want, Oram?
ORAM: How'd you know my name, 'Xeno'?
XENO: You can call me 'Xeno' (haha); I know you're Oram from radio-transmissions.
ORAM: So, you have the technology to pick up radio-signals?
XENO: Of course...
ORAM: What is your intention towards humanity?
XENO: Destruction, Oram!
ORAM: Why?
XENO: Humans don't respect Leonardo da Vinci.

Oram was shocked to hear the Xeno express this sentiment about human beings not holding art (from the Renaissance Era) as sacred. Oram wanted to know why the Xeno thought humans didn't respect da Vinci, but the Xeno scurried away before Oram could inspect further. However, the Xeno seemed to leave behind some tail-skin that it shed while 'lounging' in the cave Oram found it in, so he took a sample to take to Weyland Corporation. When Oram got back on board, he discovered his vessel was locked on auto-pilot and was set to go to Earth as soon as the Xeno-sample (tissue-sample) was detected by the vessel's detectors. Oram realized he was completely expendable.

"It is my contention that the Xenomorph is completely unsatisfied with human intelligence and regards our species as worthy of only colonization. The 'Xeno' expressed to me the belief that human civilization simply does not hold the Renaissance Era art of Leonardo da Vinci in proper esteem and that's the reason (arguably) it thinks humans should be subjugated and Earth colonized. I also surmise that the Xeno-creature believes humanity is not wise in wrestling with Earth's ecological carrying capacities and that we are overpopulating and polluting our planet's natural environments. I therefore hypothesize that a Xeno invasion will begin on the 4th of July when a Xeno-vessel (probably cloaked with some kind of visual-invisibility device) lands in Yellowstone National Park(!). My name is Agent Oram, and I've faithfully submitted this testimony to Weyland Corporation and NASA, and I attest that the Xeno claims that humans are completely blind-sided by a kind of sado-masochistic capitalism-oriented 'fortune-hunting dentistry' (e.g., NASDAQ, Human Genome Project, World Bank, etc.). May God help us when the Xenos arrive..."

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