Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
The last police officer finally left my house at 11:30 p.m. Earlier they came in droves, and they stayed for what seemed like an eternity. There were endless questions, and forms to fill out, then more questions. This was the culmination of a true tragedy, to be sure. But it also had me up later than usual for a Sunday night. I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. for work the next day.
Let me explain what happened. Yesterday afternoon, I had been doing some drinking while watching baseball on tv. As some point I decided to go get my Smith 686 from my gun safe. I was in the mood to fondle. If you are a gun guy, then you know what I mean. Well, I did not lock the safe back once I extracted my pistol, as I figured I would have it stowed safely back in the safe in just a few minutes. But then I got distracted.
Brandy Lou from across the street called me and asked if I could come over and help her out with a problem involving their pool. She said that she was home alone, save for her best friend, Mandy Ray. They were out poolside soaking up rays and they needed a big, capable man to come help them.
Obviously, I went to help the girls. When I showed up poolside I found both chicks sunbathing nude. Brandy raised up, with her huge DD tits flopping around, and said, “Hey there, Rod. I am glad that you … came … so fast. But tell me, do you always … come … so fast?” Of course, I knew what she really meant. She was talking sex stuff. After a few more witty exchanges of double entendre and tawdry suggestion, we got down to the fucking. Fortunately, Brandy’s old man had his National Guard unit activated and deployed to Poland. This meant there were no worries with shlogging these 2 whoowahs all afternoon.
The girls and I were just gearing up for round 3 when we heard the police sirens wailing. They got our attention because of how many there were, and because they were clearly nearby and getting closer. I looked at the Platinum Daytona on my wrist (a huge pussy magnet!) and saw that it was right at 5:30 pm. “Hmmm…”, I said.
Just then, the wailing of sirens became deafening. An entire column of them turned onto my street and were speeding closer. Mandy was already busy working me over. I took my hand and put it on her face, then pushed her backwards and away from me. “Hold up, bitch”, I said. I walked over to the living room window, still ass naked, and watched in horror as all these police and emergency vehicles came to a screeching stop in front of my house across the street. “Oh, shit”, I thought to myself.
The officers, some of whom were in swat gear and carrying assault weapons, rushed from their vehicles and began taking up position in my front yard. Clearly, my house was their focus. I wondered what I had done to warrant this. As far as I knew, I was completely clean.
One of the cops came over the loudspeaker demanding that I exit the premises. “Mr. LongRod! Come out of your house with your hands behind your head. This is the only warning you will get.” Just then, my 2 loyal dogs, Satan and Jim Crow, came flying around from the side of the house. The swat guys immediately gunned them down, then appeared to laugh about it. “You motherfuckers!”, I said in reply.
I was really pissed that they killed my dogs. I stormed out the front door of Brandy’s house and marched across the street. I screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY COMING ONTO MY GODDMAN PROPERTY AND KILLING MY DOGS!?!?!?”
They all turned around to look at me. They looked stunned. The head cop said “Uh, are you Mr. LongRod?” I told them that I was. He then asked why I was naked. I said, “I have been across the street there fucking those two bitches all afternoon”. They looked beyond me, to the front porch of Brandy’s house, where both Brandy and Mandy were sitting on the front steps and waiving. The cop then asked why I had a hard on. Frustrated, I sighed and then asked again why they shot and killed my dogs.
The tension diminished a bit after that. The top cop on the scene, a Captain Lou Skunt, told me they were investigating a mass shooting that occurred maybe a half hour ago at some ghetto store called “Bread, Milk, Lottery, Cigarettes”. I looked the fucker in his eyes and asked, “Do you really believe that I would be caught dead in some ghetto shit hole like THAT?!? I am a Republican, for fuck’s sake!! Besides, I have an alibi. Like I told you, I have been here all afternoon fucking those two dingbats across the street.”
Captain Skunt relented, saying, “Yeah, I know. Look, I hate to bother you on a Sunday afternoon and all, especially when you have poon lined up. But would you mind answering just a couple more questions so that we can wrap it and get out of your hair? Please?” I said, “Ok. Shoot”.
The Captain held up a photo of a very nice Daniel Defense AR-15 Rifle that was laying on a concrete sidewalk. He asked, “Sir, do you recognize this rifle?” I took the photo from the cop and examined it. It was a run of the mill DD AR. I have one just like it in my safe. Then I noticed something familiar. The dust cover. It was a custom cover that, when open, exposes the words “I Eat Ass”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked at the cop and said, “That’s MY rifle!!”
“Yes sir, that is what I was afraid of”, he said. I asked him to explain the meaning of this. The cop explained that at approximately 1700 hrs this rifle entered the “Bread, Milk, Lottery, Cigarettes” down on the corner of MLK Jr Blvd and George Floyd Avenue, yelled out the “N-word”, then opened fire, gunning down several patrons waiting in line to get checks cashed.
Confused, I asked, “You mean, my rifle did…THAT?!?” The police officer replied, “Yessir, it did. We have a high degree of certainty that it was working alone. We believe it must have escaped from your home and went on its shooting spree while you were engaged in your threesome across the street.
Then I remembered leaving the safe open. “Oh, fuck!”, I thought. “That son of a bitch! He did it to me again!!” See this is not the first time my AR snuck out of the house at night and went on a shooting spree. That damn thing has a streak of hate a mile wide running through it. I have tried to talk to it about this, tried to quell its seething racism. But at best, all I do is get it to stay quiet about it when its around me and others. It still gets out some nights and goes on wild mass shootings. It usually comes slinking home the next morning, covered in blood and bone fragments. I ask where it had been. It just silently brushes past me and goes back into the safe. There is no point trying to talk to it when it is in one of these moods. Its best to just let it sleep it off and then have a word with it the next day.
But this time is different. This time the AR had fouled its own nest by bringing the heat down on me. The cop allowed me my moment of contemplation and awaited my next comment. Finally, I looked at Captain Skunt and said “Take that fucker and let it rot. I am not posting a bond for it. Honestly, I do not even want that racist SOB back in my house after when it did.”
The cop nodded and said he understood. Then they had to do all their investigative bullshit, which took hours. Finally, 11:30 p.m. arrived and they all had gone. I went to bed and tried to forget about this ordeal.
That skeevy AR never got to trial. It allegedly hung itself with a bed sheet in its cell. The son of a twat chickened out, like the racist coward he was. It was such a fittingly pathetic end to that fucker. I mean, if I am going to own a racist AR, then I want it to be all-in and authentic, not a poser. This is why I resolved to replace the DD AR with and HK AR. At least if the HK is racist, he will have come by it honestly.
Let me explain what happened. Yesterday afternoon, I had been doing some drinking while watching baseball on tv. As some point I decided to go get my Smith 686 from my gun safe. I was in the mood to fondle. If you are a gun guy, then you know what I mean. Well, I did not lock the safe back once I extracted my pistol, as I figured I would have it stowed safely back in the safe in just a few minutes. But then I got distracted.
Brandy Lou from across the street called me and asked if I could come over and help her out with a problem involving their pool. She said that she was home alone, save for her best friend, Mandy Ray. They were out poolside soaking up rays and they needed a big, capable man to come help them.
Obviously, I went to help the girls. When I showed up poolside I found both chicks sunbathing nude. Brandy raised up, with her huge DD tits flopping around, and said, “Hey there, Rod. I am glad that you … came … so fast. But tell me, do you always … come … so fast?” Of course, I knew what she really meant. She was talking sex stuff. After a few more witty exchanges of double entendre and tawdry suggestion, we got down to the fucking. Fortunately, Brandy’s old man had his National Guard unit activated and deployed to Poland. This meant there were no worries with shlogging these 2 whoowahs all afternoon.
The girls and I were just gearing up for round 3 when we heard the police sirens wailing. They got our attention because of how many there were, and because they were clearly nearby and getting closer. I looked at the Platinum Daytona on my wrist (a huge pussy magnet!) and saw that it was right at 5:30 pm. “Hmmm…”, I said.
Just then, the wailing of sirens became deafening. An entire column of them turned onto my street and were speeding closer. Mandy was already busy working me over. I took my hand and put it on her face, then pushed her backwards and away from me. “Hold up, bitch”, I said. I walked over to the living room window, still ass naked, and watched in horror as all these police and emergency vehicles came to a screeching stop in front of my house across the street. “Oh, shit”, I thought to myself.
The officers, some of whom were in swat gear and carrying assault weapons, rushed from their vehicles and began taking up position in my front yard. Clearly, my house was their focus. I wondered what I had done to warrant this. As far as I knew, I was completely clean.
One of the cops came over the loudspeaker demanding that I exit the premises. “Mr. LongRod! Come out of your house with your hands behind your head. This is the only warning you will get.” Just then, my 2 loyal dogs, Satan and Jim Crow, came flying around from the side of the house. The swat guys immediately gunned them down, then appeared to laugh about it. “You motherfuckers!”, I said in reply.
I was really pissed that they killed my dogs. I stormed out the front door of Brandy’s house and marched across the street. I screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY COMING ONTO MY GODDMAN PROPERTY AND KILLING MY DOGS!?!?!?”
They all turned around to look at me. They looked stunned. The head cop said “Uh, are you Mr. LongRod?” I told them that I was. He then asked why I was naked. I said, “I have been across the street there fucking those two bitches all afternoon”. They looked beyond me, to the front porch of Brandy’s house, where both Brandy and Mandy were sitting on the front steps and waiving. The cop then asked why I had a hard on. Frustrated, I sighed and then asked again why they shot and killed my dogs.
The tension diminished a bit after that. The top cop on the scene, a Captain Lou Skunt, told me they were investigating a mass shooting that occurred maybe a half hour ago at some ghetto store called “Bread, Milk, Lottery, Cigarettes”. I looked the fucker in his eyes and asked, “Do you really believe that I would be caught dead in some ghetto shit hole like THAT?!? I am a Republican, for fuck’s sake!! Besides, I have an alibi. Like I told you, I have been here all afternoon fucking those two dingbats across the street.”
Captain Skunt relented, saying, “Yeah, I know. Look, I hate to bother you on a Sunday afternoon and all, especially when you have poon lined up. But would you mind answering just a couple more questions so that we can wrap it and get out of your hair? Please?” I said, “Ok. Shoot”.
The Captain held up a photo of a very nice Daniel Defense AR-15 Rifle that was laying on a concrete sidewalk. He asked, “Sir, do you recognize this rifle?” I took the photo from the cop and examined it. It was a run of the mill DD AR. I have one just like it in my safe. Then I noticed something familiar. The dust cover. It was a custom cover that, when open, exposes the words “I Eat Ass”. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I looked at the cop and said, “That’s MY rifle!!”
“Yes sir, that is what I was afraid of”, he said. I asked him to explain the meaning of this. The cop explained that at approximately 1700 hrs this rifle entered the “Bread, Milk, Lottery, Cigarettes” down on the corner of MLK Jr Blvd and George Floyd Avenue, yelled out the “N-word”, then opened fire, gunning down several patrons waiting in line to get checks cashed.
Confused, I asked, “You mean, my rifle did…THAT?!?” The police officer replied, “Yessir, it did. We have a high degree of certainty that it was working alone. We believe it must have escaped from your home and went on its shooting spree while you were engaged in your threesome across the street.
Then I remembered leaving the safe open. “Oh, fuck!”, I thought. “That son of a bitch! He did it to me again!!” See this is not the first time my AR snuck out of the house at night and went on a shooting spree. That damn thing has a streak of hate a mile wide running through it. I have tried to talk to it about this, tried to quell its seething racism. But at best, all I do is get it to stay quiet about it when its around me and others. It still gets out some nights and goes on wild mass shootings. It usually comes slinking home the next morning, covered in blood and bone fragments. I ask where it had been. It just silently brushes past me and goes back into the safe. There is no point trying to talk to it when it is in one of these moods. Its best to just let it sleep it off and then have a word with it the next day.
But this time is different. This time the AR had fouled its own nest by bringing the heat down on me. The cop allowed me my moment of contemplation and awaited my next comment. Finally, I looked at Captain Skunt and said “Take that fucker and let it rot. I am not posting a bond for it. Honestly, I do not even want that racist SOB back in my house after when it did.”
The cop nodded and said he understood. Then they had to do all their investigative bullshit, which took hours. Finally, 11:30 p.m. arrived and they all had gone. I went to bed and tried to forget about this ordeal.
That skeevy AR never got to trial. It allegedly hung itself with a bed sheet in its cell. The son of a twat chickened out, like the racist coward he was. It was such a fittingly pathetic end to that fucker. I mean, if I am going to own a racist AR, then I want it to be all-in and authentic, not a poser. This is why I resolved to replace the DD AR with and HK AR. At least if the HK is racist, he will have come by it honestly.
