I just wanted to come back long enough to explain why I am so up and down. Escaping that fire is the scariest thing I ever had to do. It affected me in ways I am not sure how to handle. Yes, we are alive and should be thankful. Anne is alive. So are 3 animals, not counting the 2 chickens someone else found for her. All my new friends are scattered to the four winds. One had her sister and nephew burn up in their car trying to escape which could have been us and came close to being us. We lost everything all over again. We are old, sick, have medical issues and it doesn't help that MrG is now having panic attacks. Everything is falling on me to deal with. Me. I guess I am strong enough to deal with it, but my brain and heart is having a helluva time.
I really really really do not like accepting money from folks. It was the way I was raised. If I can't do it myself, why the heck should someone else do it for me? But sometimes....it has to be accepted. And its very very VERY appreciated but it still bugs me. So I have these issues and this board and the people in it are my online family. I pour things out to you I don't share with friends in Paradise I lost..or MrG, or even my real family which amounts to my sister in law and brother in law. I tell Drifter. Or Kat. Or you. I pour it out here. Because here, I can. In real life..I'm the one that does the driving, the mapping of where things are, the hauling people around, the assisting others lost in limbo that went thru the same things we did. Me. And I will do it as long as I can but dammit...sometimes I just need to be weak.
I cannot rent just any apartment anywhere. Remember, I am an ex property manager. I know how things work. If I rented from anyone anywhere, most apts that are cheap enough for us to afford do NOT do 1 year leases. They don't even do 6 months leases. They are all month to month. So that apt that looks mighty fine to those that are not currently in my burned shoes think I am not doing enough. Yes, I am. I have to have Low Income Housing. It is federally funded. The rent CANNOT be raised. I can live there for 20 years at the same rate with no jacking up of that rent at the whim of the scumlord renting it out willy nilly. So those places for 325 per month, I wouldn't put my dog in if I had a dog. And I will not put my husband in one either. And yes...its up to me, because all this HAS been on me. When we first had to move from our home of 30 years, it was up to me, too. I found Paradise. I found RJ. I found Anne. I did it all. And I am still doing it. And I am tired. I will be honest and spill even more to you than what MrG or anyone else has no clue about...and that is I still sit in my car while he is asleep, Anne is safe with her sisiter, and I sit there smoking smoking smoking and staring at my 38. Would I do it? Oh hell no. But sometimes I wish I could. These are the down times I speak of. Tomorrow will be an up day. Up. Down. Up. Down. But this is what happens when one goes thru what I just went thru. Flames. Fire. Death. Loss. Uncertainty. It does a number on someones mind. So don't go getting any wild ideas that I am going to off myself. I just THINK about it. Who hasn't at some time in their life when things were at their lowest? I am no different. And...to unburden myself from these thoughts..I tell you. Nobody else within arms length in real life. Its my private thoughts.
So again...I cannot express enough just how much I appreciate your help. We will survive this. We have enough money now to at least get safer than we are now and my van is purring like a kitten and happy with her 4 new shoes (tires). And on the 10th..MAYBE the 7th if things go smoothly, we will be in an apt for awhile. After that, who knows. IF we wind back up in the van..then maybe that is what we are supposed to do. God has plans I have no clue about and I am doing the best I can with what He gives me or sends me to do. IF we don't stay with Anne due to whatever reason (it has to be HER decision, not ours)...then we will go to Arizona to be with MrGs brother for awhile. That will be an awful experience, but as I said..beggars can't be choosers.
For anyone thinking I am relying on you to do my work for me...no. That is not correct. I am doing what I think best for our circumstances and nobody really knows what its like to be in Gracie or MrGs shoes. And I hope you never do experience this. Ever.
Bless you all..and good night. Tomorrow is a busy day. Finding new docs. Getitng new health coverage since we are in a different county now, learning the city in what is safe to go to and what is not safe, etc. Busy day. I like busy days. Keeps me UP. Not down. And knowing ya'll are here and hearing me...being the shoulders I need to lean on now and then, but wishing I didn't have to.
Hugs
