S
Shattered
Guest
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and gradua tions
from rehab. Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years.. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you 're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a
better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're
done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. T hat's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how
to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf
grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing
'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If yo u ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and gradua tions
from rehab. Picking out the stuff "you" want and having other people buy
it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com <http://classmates.com/> ! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years.. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a
window unless you 're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than
a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a
better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how
much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're
done.
New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. T hat's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how
to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the
bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf
grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering My PIN! number , pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing
'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack
of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table
was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait,
they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra
hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If yo u ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't
pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
