...I never get an answer.
Does he want me to work at a job I don't really like, writing legal briefs for clients I don't care about, to earn money so I can eat and pay my bills?
I write stories which sometimes I finish, but the chances of getting published are practically nil, and people don't seem to like my stories that much anyway.
I'm divorced, and I still sleep on the right side of the bed, keeping the left side open for a woman who will never come back.
My three children are grown and moved out. I rarely see my first daughter, see the second daughter when she wants money, and my son I see when we watch cartoons together or play Dungeons and Dragons.
I'm fifty-five years old and I might live another thirty years, but it seems more of a curse than a blessing to live so long with nothing to do in my life but get older.
My children are unmarried, it looks like they may never get married, and I think there's a good chance I won't have grandchildren.
I still believe in God, but it seems that my existence is pointless, and my religion offers me nothing in the way of comfort.
I've joined a few dating websites, like Match and Elite, but none of the women I see there are even slightly appealing to me. They all say they like walking on the beach under the moonlight, want to travel to extravagant locations, and put up photos of their dogs and cats. I realize that the brainless cheerfulness that is charming in a young woman is pathetic when a woman grows old.
I never thought I'd be alone at this stage in my life, but I am. My ex-wife hovers in my life, cleaning my home, coming over to watch TV with me once or twice a week, but then goes home to another man's house. I have no idea what she wants from me, am I her emergency escape hatch in case the other man kicks her out? I don't know and since we never communicate, there's no way to find out.
As a young man I had big dreams, but somehow none of them worked out. I live in a three-bedroom house in a neighborhood that's a bit run-down, I have a job I don't like, I own a moderately-priced car that's decaying with age, and I have a bunch of bills to pay and debts to pay off.
I'm at the end of my rope, but the rope doesn't end, I may exist on this planet for another thirty years. Some people will say I should count my blessings, be grateful to God for what I have, but I don't and I'm not.
I put this in Religion section because my problem is spiritual. I feel empty inside and I don't think it's just the bipolarism talking, I think an honest appraisal of my situation is that there is no point in my continued existence on this planet. However, please don't worry about me or think you have to talk me out of suicide. I could never do that to my family.
Which leads me back to my original point, what does God want me to do with my life? I ask myself that question every morning when I take a shower. Why? If I get an answer to that question, will my life become meaningful again? Does God want me to abandon my attorney job and do something else? Would I be happy if I did something else?
I think of all the typical tasks God asks people who serve him do and I wonder. I can't be a priest because I'm divorced and in the Church's eyes still married to my ex-wife. Should I be a teacher? I couldn't teach in a public school but a private school or a Catholic school might hire me. Should I get a job in writing, which is my real love? Should I go to a foreign country and get a job there?
I think that God wants me to get out of my rut. With my marriage ended and my children grown, my old life is over. But I am still in my old house, surrounded by things that remind me of my old life. My ex-wife still comes over from time to time to decorate my house to her liking. It's like she wants to cling to the life we had, even though she left me for another man. I still love her, so I don't have the courage to tell her to really leave me. But I think her continued presence in my life is holding me back. And, if she really did leave for good, my loneliness would increase.
I'm not looking for pity, but I could use some advice. Those of you who take this opportunity to mock me because I've opened up like this, I will put on Ignore.
