Originally posted by Isaac Brock
It's just like the whole Janet Jackson nipple thing in my opinion.
Mountains out of mole-hills.
You've read so much about Tittygate <
http://www.salon.com/ent/feature/2004/02/03/janet/> in the past week, it's hardly my place to chime in. Or, at least, I thought it wasn't my place, until I received a handful of letters demanding to know what I thought about Justin and Janet and jiggling jugs in general. Never one to ignore the call of the dogmatic blowhard, I shall dutifully lay out my own arbitrary and utterly baseless opinions on the matter.
Friends, Romans, members of the FCC: Breasts are beautiful and exciting, particularly when bared unexpectedly. By pairing the bare breast with the element of surprise, womankind has, for centuries, bent weak-minded men to her will. By combining our natural talents with the occasional, almost subliminal flash of flesh, we gain that extra edge that keeps us knee-deep in backrubs and tasty dinners out on the town.
That said, like any other powerful weapon, the boob flash is known to elicit a wide range of responses, from confusion to fear to anger, and therefore should not be abused or wielded in mixed company or unleashed among unruly mobs. Since time began, the spontaneous bare breast has left a swath of chaos and unwitting victims in its wake: the flustered, red-faced married man, the cackling, pointing teenager, the six-car pileup, the hungry infant, the unexpected FCC investigation...
Thus, the current uproar should come as no surprise. Even though Boobs Out is a clearly established trend, Boobs Out & About is still beyond the pale for the American family, which, as a group, likes to pretend that it's as pure as the driven snow, while separately, its members behave like the perverted little monkeys that they are.
And powerful as the boob flash is today, just think about how thrilling breasts used to be, back when they weren't propped up and pushed in our faces around the clock. Back during the Boob Flash Decade, preteens would rewind the same dumb shower scene from "Porky's" over and over again, thereby transforming the bare breast into a thing of rare beauty, shrouded in mystery and best glimpsed through a little hole in the wall. Remember that scene in "Piranha" where the hot girl flashes her boobs in
order to distract a cop, and also in order to give her movie an "R"
rating so that kids nationwide would bust their asses to see it?
Seemingly purposeless boob-flashing was part of the rich fabric of our culture back then.
Just look at how far we've fallen. Thanks to technologically
cutting-edge fabrics, breasts are clearly visible everywhere we go, from the boardroom to the bar. Thus, our finest entertainers must stoop to mouth-kissing their rivals and installing rip-away panels on their clothing just to get our attention. But even when it all works, even when millions of viewers are replaying the same moment on their TiVos over and over (I did this myself at least four times), even when the FCC is talking lawsuits and CBS is blaming MTV, and Justin is spouting blatant lies about wardrobes malfunctioning, and pundits are describing Janet's perilous childhood, the whole thing is a little sad. Because we know, and they know, and you know, that despite the fire and brimstone
and intensive investigations, what's really shocking is that Janet's
boob isn't shocking at all. Breasts are, in the new millennium, what sun-dried tomatoes were in the mid-'90s: utterly commonplace.
So women: Put those boobs away! Tuck your tits into an
industrial-strength bra and a heavy wool sweater, recognizing that the strength of your weaponry will increase exponentially with its invisibility. Just look what it did for Saddam!
One small impenetrable cup for man is one giant leap for boobkind.
source: salon.com
