Celebrity Wife-Swap

[Abishai100]

Our modern-age fascination with media and celebrities makes 'fanfare storytelling' very representative of 'capitalism angst.'

Films such as Notting Hill and Dave explore this new-age 'daydream.'

Is this humor or childishness?

Here's a fictional short-story I wrote about celebrities caught up in some 'Internet psychiatry.'


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The popular Hollywood (USA) actress Katie Holmes was married to the American celebrity Tom Cruise but became tired of the media spotlight and the fanfare generated by her relationship to Tom. Katie started surfing the Web and looking for idealistic young men who were Internet-blogging about important democracy-related values as they related to our modern age of media-prioritization. Secretly, she was looking for an 'Internet pen-pal' and maybe even a 'covert lover.' She found an Armenian-American prince named Ajay Satan who was blogging about the American demand for socially-relevant Hollywood films.

Ajay would costume himself as a 'pseudo-vigilante' and praise American films that did in fact symbolize important values in modern society. He cited Katie's youth-angst film Go and Cruise's culture-angst film Magnolia but also suggested that there should be more politically-conscious films such as Stephen Gaghan's treatise on OPEC titled Syriana. Katie started becoming interested in Ajay's work and followed his posts on US Message Board and World Discussion Forum. She started corresponding with Ajay using the chatroom alias 'Firestar,' and Ajay would joke that he felt like 'Iceman' (a Marvel Comics character connected to one named 'Firestar') when he corresponded with her.

Cruise started becoming suspicious of Katie's activities while working on his newest Mission: Impossible film. He started to suspect that his wife was surfing on the Web for hours on end (sometimes late into the evening), because she was courting a secret 'Internet pen-pal' with whom she had fallen in love. Cruise suspected that Katie started becoming fatigued and frustrated with the media spotlight surrounding their high-profile relationship in the media. He also worried that Katie was not feeling included in Cruise's private crusade with the Church of Scientology and that Katie felt like he had become a media-obsessed workaholic. Cruise felt depressed and decided to go to a celebrity bar to drown his woes.

At the Hollywood club-bar, Cruise ran into one of his old friends, the Hollywood actress Jennifer Connelly. Cruise was drunk and confided in Jennifer that he thought his wife Katie had become frustrated with their media-spotlight lifestyle and had therefore started courting some idealistic young Internet-blogger who had become her 'secret lover.' Connelly explained to Cruise that many idealistic young men were Internet-blogging about social values and were donning the mantle of 'armchair warrior' and 'culture vigilante,' and that Katie was perhaps drawn to that. Jennifer also explained that she herself was dating an idealistic young man, an Armenian-American prince and Internet-blogger named Ajay Satan.

Cruise went home that night and told Katie that he talked to his old friend Jennifer Connelly and how Jennifer explained that the recent 'tide' of young idealistic men posting on the Internet as 'culture idealists' made them attractive to 'bored celebrities.' Cruise also told Katie that Jennifer in fact dated (in secret) one of these individuals, an Armenian-American prince named Ajay Satan. Katie responded with understanding but then went to her room and logged onto the Web to find Ajay and ask him if he ever dated Jennifer Connelly and why he never told her! Ajay explained Jennifer wanted to keep the relationship a secret. Meanwhile, Cruise and Connelly began dating, and this made everything more complicated.

Cruise decided to log onto the Web and find this 'Ajay Satan,' and when he found him on US Message Board, he asked Ajay if he ever dated Jennifer Connelly, and Ajay was stunned, wondering if Cruise was suspicious of the newfound relationship between Ajay and Katie. Ajay wrote to Cruise, "I suspect you're wondering about Jennifer, since many 'bored celebrity housewives' are logging onto the Web and looking for idealistic young men with whom to forge a 'pen-pal' bond. Maybe you think that if I dated Jennifer, perhaps I might be establishing some link with your wife Katie!" Cruise responded in the affirmative, and Ajay explained that the Internet was available for 'private daydreams.' Nothing was resolved, and Cruise decided to make a machinery-themed film titled Edge of Tomorrow.

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[Abishai100]

The Royal Ingredient

Add in a dose of royalty-paparazzi, and you have a real tabloid stew for our scandal-crazed society.


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Cruise was determined to prove that Ajay had something up his sleeve, so he kept tracking Ajay on Internet forums he posted on --- primarily on US Message Board and World Discussion Forum. Cruise noted that since Ajay was writing a great deal about pro-populism values promoted by the wide access to the Internet worldwide, the young idealistic blogger would not only draw the attention of 'bored celebrity wives' but also 'bored royalty (e.g., queens/princesses). Cruise noted to himself the 'strange bedfellows' and 'psychic liaisons' created by the public electronic bulletin-board we refer to as 'The World Wide Web.'

Ajay was blogging on World Discussion Forum when he caught the attention of Kate Middleton, royal wife of Prince William of England. Kate liked Ajay's approach to 'pseudo-vigilantism' oriented pro-democracy idealism and joined World Discussion Forum (using an identity-masking alias/avatar) to follow Ajay's posts and respond to them with her own comments. She used the alias/avatar 'Firestar' (Marvel Comics), and Ajay became intrigued by her sense of geo-political sensitivity and asked her if she was associated in any way with American actress/celebrity Katie Holmes (who also liked using the Internet alias/avatar 'Firestar').

Katie Holmes was in her L.A. apartment, while Cruise was filming Edge of Tomorrow, and she continued to suspect her beau was involved in an extra-marital affair with American actress Jennifer Connelly. Katie felt flustered and went to World Discussion Forum to read more of Ajay's idealistic posts, which generally cheered her up. She noticed that a woman was responding rather actively to Ajay's posts using the alias/avatar 'Firestar' and wondered who she was (since she too liked using the identity-masking alias/avatar 'Firestar'). She wrote to Ajay, "I think you're drawing the attention of multiple 'bored/frustrated housewives' who like using the Internet alias/avatar 'Firestar'!"

Ajay realized that Katie's comment was correct, so he started using the Internet alias/avatar Iceman (Marvel Comics), who some comic book writers portrayed as having a three-way love-triangle net with Spider-Man (Peter Parker). Firestar (Angelica Jones) was primarily Spider-Man's girlfriend but was every now-and-then characterized as engaging in a sometime-affair with Iceman. Spider-Man soared on cobwebs, Iceman skated on spontaneously-generated 'super-ice,' and Firestar flew on rocket-like flames. While Iceman (Bobby Drake) often pursued his main love interests Spider-Woman (Jessica Drew) and Black Cat (Felicia Hardy), he had been linked to Firestar, since the two worked together with Spider-Man on missions.

Katie now knew that Ajay was blogging as 'Iceman,' while this mysterious 'Firestar' on World Discussion Forum (she guessed correctly it was Kate Middleton, wife of Prince William) was creating a little buzz. Katie decided to comment on Ajay's posts on US Message Board as 'Firestar' herself, saying things like, "I bet you're dating an American actress or perhaps even Kate Middleton, Iceman!" Ajay (aka, 'Iceman') was surprised by the accuracy of the comment and realized Katie was becoming jealous Firestar Kate Middleton (Kate and Ajay were now secretly dating). It was a 'royal mess.'

Katie came up with a deranged but fun plan. She would join World Discussion Forum and use the identity-masking alias/avatar 'Kingpin' (Marvel Comics), pretending to be an obese wealthy Middle Eastern prince who hated capitalism and wanted to use the Kingpin comic book character to express sentiments regarding the corruptibility of capitalism/consumerism. Ajay/Iceman noted the comments/posts of Katie/Kingpin and wondered why an apparent male was posting so much about the corruption of consumerism --- it sounded too egalitarian to be a male view. Ajay/Iceman only suspected Kingpin was actually Katie Holmes, but he was anxious, especially when Katie posted a picture of Kingpin next to a picture of a baby which alarmingly looked like Kingpin as an infant!

Cruise was still working on his film Edge of Tomorrow, and Jennifer Connelly (his secret girlfriend) told him someone was posting on World Discussion Forum using the alias Iceman (Marvel Comics) and was receiving suspicious commentaries from two other members using the Marvel aliases Firestar and Kingpin. Jennifer told Cruise that Ajay was probably Iceman and Katie Holmes was either Firestar or Kingpin, so she joined World Discussion Forum and started using the Marvel Comics alias 'Spider-Woman' and made comments on Ajay's posts such as "You're being swarmed by Kingpin and Firestar, Iceman!" to goad Ajay/Iceman into believing that his blogs were creating anxious buzz. The only one who was completely oblivious to all this 'online wife-swap hoopla' was Prince William (who was himself engaged in a secret extra-marital affair with American actress Cameron Diaz, who had just broken up with Ajay!).

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[Abishai100]

LGBT

I didn't want to *neglect* the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) coalition, so here's a reoriented story involving very strange bedfellows!


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Ajay wanted to leave the life of a vigilante behind, so he started writing final-note posts and blogs on the Internet about the potential for Utopia using Democracy as a pragmatic model. Ajay cited the writings of Machiavelli, Adam Smith, and George Orwell as he expressed the view that the confluence of people in multicultural America created an intellectual demand for unfiltered dialogue regarding the exchange of political perspectives. Ajay also wrote special words of praise for alien-contact films such as Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Signs as special psycho-sociological symbols of humanity's peculiar curiosity about meeting minds of very different 'colors.'

Meanwhile, Cruise (aka 'Spider-Man') was dealing with criticisms in the media that his obstinate defense of Scientology made him appear as a fascist and intolerant bigot. Cruise was very offended and even hurt, so he started writing blogs on the Internet (just like Ajay!) using the alias/avatar Spider-Man about the need to embrace mind-views (in a pluralistic place such as the USA) that are discomfortingly different from one's own. Spider-Man (Cruise) offered a special 'pro-humanism' view which espoused the return of the Roman Gymnasium or Bath-House in which Americans of alternative sexual orientations (i.e., LGBT) were welcome to mingle and court each other without the interfering 'Big Brother' influence of an anti-pluralistic 'mainstream culture.'

Ajay read Cruise's blogs and could not believe they might be written by someone as seemingly 'mainstream' as Tom Cruise, whose patriotism-ladled films such as Born on the 4th of July and Lions for Lambs, made him seem very opposed to ideas that were not culturally-dominant or socially very well-understood. Nevertheless, Ajay (aka, 'Iceman') conjectured about what it would be like to have a 'mainstream celebrity' such as Tom Cruise espouse pro-pluralism chatter on the Internet and TV regarding the tolerance of alternative religious, world, and sexual views. Iceman decided to respond to Spider-Man's blogs (on World Discussion Forum), not realizing that Cruise was involved in a vanity-affair with Kate Middleton (which really irked his ex-girlfriend Cameron Diaz):

"I'm delighted to see someone like Spider-Man would be interested in the rights and concerns of not only members of the Church of Scientology but also members of the LGBT community! I read the other day in a tabloid that the American celebrity Tom Cruise was rumored to be engaged in an extra-marital homosexual love affair with the offbeat actor Jonny Lee Miller (star of Trainspotting). This 'gossip eeriness' was right next to a hyped column about a rumor regarding the wife of Prince William of England (Kate Middleton) possibly being involved in an extra-marital 'online relationship' with a mysterious 'pseudo-vigilante,' and I couldn't help feeling that people who follow my popular posts on World Discussion Forum might conjecture that I'm in fact the blogging pseudo-vigilante drawing Kate Middleton's attention, so I have to ask you, 'Do you think Tom Cruise is tolerant of scandals, Spider-Man'?"

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[Abishai100]

Lakers vs. Celtics


Tom Cruise is a native-son of Hollywood, so he's perhaps a pedestrian fan of the iconic classic city-atmospheric sports-culture video game Lakers vs. Celtics. Charlize Theron appeared in the film Reindeer Games with Ben Affleck who is a pronounced Celtics fan. Katie Holmes (Cruise's ex-wife) was in the pedestrianism-diatribe TV series Dawson's Creek, which, in some ways, presents themes/stories similar to those presented in the Affleck films Good Will Hunting and Chasing Amy...so we could imagine a nice toss-up!

Here's a mock dialogue about such a symbolic toss-up between Shiva (Hindu god of destruction) and Vishnu (Hindu god of protection). There's nothing ethical about musical-chairs, and besides...I'm American (we love Planet Hollywood!).

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SHIVA: I think Cruise-Holmes and Affleck-Theron are a nice 'dating quartet' of American celebrities...
VISHNU: They should do a toss-up --- Cruise with Theron and Affleck with Holmes!
SHIVA: Why?
VISHNU: Well...Cruise and Theron have both made films about Western culture (Jerry Maguire and Celebrity).
SHIVA: What about Affleck and Theron?
VISHNU: They appeared in the film Reindeer Games!
SHIVA: Who cares?
VISHNU: Don't you see, Shiva? It's the perfect...musical-chairs game.
SHIVA: I guess so. I mean, this 'quartet' of yours is certainly representative of couture storytelling.
VISHNU: Exactly. And celebrity-fans simply want to see dramatic toss-ups!
SHIVA: Isn't this pornography?
VISHNU: Not really. It's 'legal espionage.'
SHIVA: I like the relevant film The Player.
VISHNU: Robert Altman is a great 'couture-sarcasm storyteller.'
SHIVA: I feel like we're living in a 'Planet Hollywood' culture...
VISHNU: Are you ashamed?
SHIVA: No. I just wonder if we're obsessed with toys (or sarcasm!)...
VISHNU: Mmm-hmm. I guess there's something pure about Roulette!

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[Abishai100]

The Mirror Has Two Faces!



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Duke and Shipwreck were engaged in a minor Civil War to see which G.I. Joe paramilitary crusader-commander had the upper hand with the beautiful female soldier-patriot Scarlett. The outcome would determine how women favor generals/commanders over field-commanders/soldiers, which is something any 'anthropological celebrity' thinks about.

DUKE: Scarlett belong with a born leader...me!
SHIPWRECK: You're too much of a task-master to please her gentle soul!
DUKE: You're too much of a pirate-wannabe, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK: I may be a pirate, but I know the secret of women --- friendship.
DUKE: A commander can be a friend too...
SHIPWRECK: I doubt that, Duke, especially with 'Cobra-creeps' running around!
DUKE: Love will triumph over rage.
SHIPWRECK: We'll see...

Meanwhile, Destro, Ajay (a former G.I. Joe ninja), Leatherface, and Rogue were engaged in their own minor Civil War to see which 'missionary' of the anarchist group Cobra duo (Destro-Ajay or Leatherface-Rogue) should win the affections of the beautiful female Cobra agents Pythona and Baroness. Even terrorists think about prestige...

DESTRO: I deserve Pythona's hand.
AJAY: I deserve Baroness's heart.
LEATHERFACE: Pythona belongs with a real bodyguard...me!
ROGUE: Ajay, you're too sensitive about terrorism to woo the shrewd Baroness.

DESTRO: Pythona needs a bishop, not a brute, Leatherface.
AJAY: I'm not a 'minister of terrorism,' but I understand freedom.
LEATHERFACE: Real men know how to use weapons!
ROGUE: Freedom analysis requires a meditation on profit.

DESTRO: Pythona likes tea, and you can't even make tea, Leatherface.
AJAY: I know about profit and ambition, but Baroness needs a poet, Rogue.
LEATHERFACE: I only drink Starbucks!
ROGUE: We'll see if Baroness likes the 'poetry of politics.'

DESTRO: I will make Pythona herbal tea and ease her mind...
AJAY: Baroness will find my brand of democratic courage very manly!
LEATHERFACE: Maybe you should win, Destro...
ROGUE: Just be sure Baroness thinks you won't betray Cobra, Ajay!

Duke won the hand of Scarlett, and Destro and Ajay won the hand of Pythona and Baroness, so Shipwreck, Leatherface, and Rogue decided to form the Stag Fraternity to honor soldiers for whom love seems an unrequited 'whisper.' President Trump was so impressed at this peaceful resolution to what could have become a feud scenario that he awarded Duke and Ajay special 'Valentine's Day Medallions,' and Hollywood film-maker Robert Redford was busy penning a movie-script titled The Love-War Days. Meanwhile, Scarlett, Pythona, and Baroness decided to go to lunch together and talk about proletariat-friendly 'celebrity wife-swaps!' No one was happier than President Trump, diplomat of 'media monstrosity' (and CNN!).

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DUKE and SHIPWRECK:

DESTRO, AJAY, LEATHERFACE, ROGUE: