Bootneck's Sunday Pub gossip

[Bootneck]

Just got back from my Sunday lunchtime trip to the pub. One of the talking points was all about how petty crime seems to be on the increase.

For example, on Friday night thieves broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. The police have issued a statement saying that at the moment they have nothing to go on. And a woman who paraded through the streets of Plymouth yesterday, naked except for a contact lens on each nipple, was arrested for making a spectacle of herself. Complaints have also been made following the chef’s annual fancy dress ball last night. Seems a woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made improper suggestions to a man dressed in cake and sherry. She made a proper fool of herself and got a trifle excited.

Oh, and police are also desperately seeking a man who steals the ends of news items. The man is described as tall and grey haired with a very big.

Two toffee-nosed women came into the pub this morning. Haven’t seen them before. As they approached the bar, our landlord being the hospitable type he is, said, “ So, where are you two from?”
“We,” she answers, “are from somewhere where people don’t end their sentences with a preposition.”
“Oh,” says the landlord. “So where are you two from, bitch?”
Nice one Doc!

My mate Dave was at the pub. He’s in trouble with the police again. Silly sod. All over his dog. Most people call their dog proper names like Rover, Fang or Fido. No, not Dave. He has to name his dog ‘Sex’ and it’s caused him problems since. Started as soon as he went to get his dog license. Told the official he wanted a license for Sex. The guy said he’d like to have one too, but couldn’t help. Dave said, “But this is a dog.” To which the official said he didn’t care what she looked like.
When he got married he took the dog with him on honeymoon. When they checked into the hotel he told the receptionist that he wanted a room for him and his wife and a special room for sex. Receptionist told him that every room in place was for sex. Dave said, “ you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” She said, “Me too.”
Anyway, the upshot is that last night the dog ran off and Dave spent hours looking all over town for him. That is until a police officer apprehended him and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?”
Dave told him he was looking for Sex. His case comes up on Friday.

My girlfriend went out for a round of golf this morning. She didn’t get very far. Had to come off after twenty minutes with a bad bee sting. As she staggered painfully into the clubhouse the pro asked her what happened.
“I got stung by a bee,” she replied. “Where?” he asked.
“between the first and the second hole”, she said.
Club pro told her that her stance must have been too wide.

Actually, I was feeling a bit sorry for her so I bought two dozen red roses for her on the way back from the pub. When I presented them to her she said, “ Oh, I see. Now I suppose I’m going to have to spend the rest of the weekend flat on my back with my legs open!”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “Why don’t you just use the vase.”

 

[DamnYankee]

just got back from my sunday lunchtime trip to the pub. One of the talking points was all about how petty crime seems to be on the increase.

For example, on friday night thieves broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. The police have issued a statement saying that at the moment they have nothing to go on. And a woman who paraded through the streets of plymouth yesterday, naked except for a contact lens on each nipple, was arrested for making a spectacle of herself. Complaints have also been made following the chef’s annual fancy dress ball last night. Seems a woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made improper suggestions to a man dressed in cake and sherry. She made a proper fool of herself and got a trifle excited.

Oh, and police are also desperately seeking a man who steals the ends of news items. The man is described as tall and grey haired with a very big.

Two toffee-nosed women came into the pub this morning. Haven’t seen them before. As they approached the bar, our landlord being the hospitable type he is, said, “ so, where are you two from?”
“we,” she answers, “are from somewhere where people don’t end their sentences with a preposition.”
“oh,” says the landlord. “so where are you two from, bitch?”
nice one doc!

My mate dave was at the pub. He’s in trouble with the police again. Silly sod. All over his dog. Most people call their dog proper names like rover, fang or fido. No, not dave. He has to name his dog ‘sex’ and it’s caused him problems since. Started as soon as he went to get his dog license. Told the official he wanted a license for sex. The guy said he’d like to have one too, but couldn’t help. Dave said, “but this is a dog.” to which the official said he didn’t care what she looked like.
When he got married he took the dog with him on honeymoon. When they checked into the hotel he told the receptionist that he wanted a room for him and his wife and a special room for sex. Receptionist told him that every room in place was for sex. Dave said, “ you don’t understand, sex keeps me awake at night.” she said, “me too.”
anyway, the upshot is that last night the dog ran off and dave spent hours looking all over town for him. That is until a police officer apprehended him and asked, “what are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?”
dave told him he was looking for sex. His case comes up on friday.

My girlfriend went out for a round of golf this morning. She didn’t get very far. Had to come off after twenty minutes with a bad bee sting. As she staggered painfully into the clubhouse the pro asked her what happened.
“i got stung by a bee,” she replied. “where?” he asked.
“between the first and the second hole”, she said.
Club pro told her that her stance must have been too wide.

Actually, i was feeling a bit sorry for her so i bought two dozen red roses for her on the way back from the pub. When i presented them to her she said, “ oh, i see. Now i suppose i’m going to have to spend the rest of the weekend flat on my back with my legs open!”
“don’t be silly,” i said. “why don’t you just use the vase.”

--- rotflmao! ---

 

[Phoenix]

--- rotflmao! ---

Yep. Me too.

Bootneck rocks, doesn't he?

 

[Bootneck]

I had to go back to the pub yesterday to see the landlord. Noticed that my wallet was empty and needed to ask him whether I spent a lot of money in there on Sunday. He told me I did, about Ninety quid. Jeez, was I relieved. I thought I'd wasted it!

 

[Big Black Dog]

Shut up... I'm laughing so hard I have stuff coming out of my nose.

 

[DamnYankee]

Shut up... I'm laughing so hard I have stuff coming out of my nose.

Never drink and read.... Boots....

 

[tigerbob]

Just got back from my Sunday lunchtime trip to the pub. One of the talking points was all about how petty crime seems to be on the increase.

For example, on Friday night thieves broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. The police have issued a statement saying that at the moment they have nothing to go on. And a woman who paraded through the streets of Plymouth yesterday, naked except for a contact lens on each nipple, was arrested for making a spectacle of herself. Complaints have also been made following the chef’s annual fancy dress ball last night. Seems a woman dressed only in gooseberries and cream made improper suggestions to a man dressed in cake and sherry. She made a proper fool of herself and got a trifle excited.

Oh, and police are also desperately seeking a man who steals the ends of news items. The man is described as tall and grey haired with a very big.

Two toffee-nosed women came into the pub this morning. Haven’t seen them before. As they approached the bar, our landlord being the hospitable type he is, said, “ So, where are you two from?”
“We,” she answers, “are from somewhere where people don’t end their sentences with a preposition.”
“Oh,” says the landlord. “So where are you two from, bitch?”
Nice one Doc!

My mate Dave was at the pub. He’s in trouble with the police again. Silly sod. All over his dog. Most people call their dog proper names like Rover, Fang or Fido. No, not Dave. He has to name his dog ‘Sex’ and it’s caused him problems since. Started as soon as he went to get his dog license. Told the official he wanted a license for Sex. The guy said he’d like to have one too, but couldn’t help. Dave said, “But this is a dog.” To which the official said he didn’t care what she looked like.
When he got married he took the dog with him on honeymoon. When they checked into the hotel he told the receptionist that he wanted a room for him and his wife and a special room for sex. Receptionist told him that every room in place was for sex. Dave said, “ you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” She said, “Me too.”
Anyway, the upshot is that last night the dog ran off and Dave spent hours looking all over town for him. That is until a police officer apprehended him and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at four in the morning?”
Dave told him he was looking for Sex. His case comes up on Friday.

My girlfriend went out for a round of golf this morning. She didn’t get very far. Had to come off after twenty minutes with a bad bee sting. As she staggered painfully into the clubhouse the pro asked her what happened.
“I got stung by a bee,” she replied. “Where?” he asked.
“between the first and the second hole”, she said.
Club pro told her that her stance must have been too wide.

Actually, I was feeling a bit sorry for her so I bought two dozen red roses for her on the way back from the pub. When I presented them to her she said, “ Oh, I see. Now I suppose I’m going to have to spend the rest of the weekend flat on my back with my legs open!”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “Why don’t you just use the vase.”

ROFL!

Fuck me, if it isn't Ronnie Corbett!