Zone1 Atheist Missionary Wonders If You Have A Few Minutes To Talk About Nothing

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Atheist Missionary Wonders If You Have A Few Minutes To Talk About Nothing​

Religion·Apr 16, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

PORTLAND, OR — Local residents were greeted Saturday morning by an atheist missionary who politely asked if they had a few moments to talk about nothing.

The missionary, Brent Miller, was part of a new outreach program dedicated to spreading the "Good News" that there is actually no news, no plan, and definitely no God.

"Excuse me, sir," Miller said to a man mowing his lawn. "If you were to die tonight, are you certain that you would simply cease to exist and be forgotten by a cold, indifferent universe? Do you have the peace that comes from knowing your life is a statistical accident?"

According to Miller, his mission was to provide "hope-crushing clarity" to those burdened by the belief in an afterlife. He carried a bag filled with pamphlets titled Why Your Suffering is Random and The Comfort of Eternal Non-Existence.

"Most people are living in fear that their actions have ultimate meaning," Miller explained while wiping sweat from his brow. "I'm here to tell them they can relax. Whether you're a saint or a serial killer, you're both headed for the same blackness of nothing at the end of your life. Isn't that inspiring?"

At publishing time, Miller was seen being chased off a porch after trying to comfort a grieving widow by explaining that her late husband was currently nothing more than a highly inefficient fertilizer.

 

[White 6]

Atheist Missionary Wonders If You Have A Few Minutes To Talk About Nothing​

Religion·Apr 16, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

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PORTLAND, OR — Local residents were greeted Saturday morning by an atheist missionary who politely asked if they had a few moments to talk about nothing.

The missionary, Brent Miller, was part of a new outreach program dedicated to spreading the "Good News" that there is actually no news, no plan, and definitely no God.

"Excuse me, sir," Miller said to a man mowing his lawn. "If you were to die tonight, are you certain that you would simply cease to exist and be forgotten by a cold, indifferent universe? Do you have the peace that comes from knowing your life is a statistical accident?"

According to Miller, his mission was to provide "hope-crushing clarity" to those burdened by the belief in an afterlife. He carried a bag filled with pamphlets titled Why Your Suffering is Random and The Comfort of Eternal Non-Existence.

"Most people are living in fear that their actions have ultimate meaning," Miller explained while wiping sweat from his brow. "I'm here to tell them they can relax. Whether you're a saint or a serial killer, you're both headed for the same blackness of nothing at the end of your life. Isn't that inspiring?"

At publishing time, Miller was seen being chased off a porch after trying to comfort a grieving widow by explaining that her late husband was currently nothing more than a highly inefficient fertilizer.

He should stay on the main roads and streets, certainly never coming to the south, but staying in places like Oregon and Washington. There are back roads down here, were somebody might just disappear him, especially grieving family members. Not saying its right, but just saying it happens.