Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)

[Vandalshandle]

Joe,

It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."

Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".

My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?

Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.

Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.


Hint: One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.

Dear Joe:

I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.

However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist". She also had a different spelling for the word "aural". Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.

Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here? And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?

This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?

 

[Geaux4it]

Joe Blow-

Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?

-Geaux

That's right, The Mascara Snake! Fast and bulbous.

Also, a tin teardrop.

Dear Joe: who are we quoting?

(hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)

LMAO... Captain

 

[AVG-JOE]

Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.

Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.


Hint: One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.

Dear Joe:

I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.

However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist". She also had a different spelling for the word "aural". Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.

Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here? And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?

This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?

Get a grip and be thankful that you have relationships with people who're willing to touch you.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe Blow-

Is it not quite odd that a squid eating dough in a polyethylene bag is often invigorating yet bulbous?

-Geaux

That's right, The Mascara Snake! Fast and bulbous.

Also, a tin teardrop.

Dear Joe: who are we quoting?

(hint: The Mother ship! The Mother ship!)

LMAO... Captain

"If you return me to my home port, I will kiss you, Mother Earth!"

 

[Vandalshandle]

Joe,

I understand that diamonds are the hardest substance on earth. There is no substitute. Therefore, my question is, on what do diamond cutters use to practice upon to learn their trade?

Also, I am concerned about airplanes. We all know that the wings bulge at the top, in order to give the plane lift by lowering the air pressure over the wing. So, how come they can fly upside down?

But mostly, I want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. Is he on an extended vacation?

 

[Derideo_Te]

Joe,

It took me years to realize that the first words in the Beach Boy song, "Rhonda", were not, "Since she put me down there 's been owls puking in my bed..."

Now, I find out that the Beatles song, "Obladi, Oblada", has absolutely nothing to do with being "...happy ever after in a parking space".

My question is, should I switch to classical music, which has no words, for the most part, or should I invest in a hearing aid?

Don't worry, Bro'... I was 9 before I realized that "al-a-men-O-Pee" was more than one letter.




Never was any good at filing...

It's a good thing I'm pretty ​

But, but, but how can you be both average and pretty, Joe?

Wait, don't tell me! You are just pretty average, right?

 

[Derideo_Te]

Get your hearing evaluated by a professional and invest in aid if needed.

Other than that, just enjoy what you hear.


Hint: One would think so, but there's no "bathroom on the right" in Mr. Fogerty's field of vision during this song.

Dear Joe:

I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.

However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist". She also had a different spelling for the word "aural". Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.

Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here? And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?

This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?

According to TA (Televangelists Anonymous) you should enter a 12 step program that will include thanking her for giving you a glimpse of both heaven and hell at the same time.

 

[Esmeralda]

Joe,

I'm wondering about what 'it' is all about.

If you put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about,

You do the hokey pokey
and you turn yourself around,

Is it really true that is what 'it' is all about?

What is 'it' anyway?



BTW this video is a surprise. Check it out.

 

[IlarMeilyr]

Hey Joe:

I have to ax you again:

"Why?"

Sleepless in San Diego

 

[Pop23]

Joe:

I am going on vacation this week. We are driving 15 hours with two young children.

So I must ask

Are we there yet?

Thanks in advance.

PS: there will be beer, oh yes, much beer

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,

I understand that diamonds are the hardest substance on earth. There is no substitute. Therefore, my question is, on what do diamond cutters use to practice upon to learn their trade?

Also, I am concerned about airplanes. We all know that the wings bulge at the top, in order to give the plane lift by lowering the air pressure over the wing. So, how come they can fly upside down?

But mostly, I want to know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. Is he on an extended vacation?

1. The second hardest substance - Tap water from Macon County GA.

2. Planes can fly higher, lower, left or right. They fly upside down by 'lowering themselves up higher in to the sky' - it sounds weird, but it works.

3. Jimmy made good money working as a consultant on "Dragnet" in the early 70's and legally changed his name to Oprah Winfrey. His litigation with the tanning bed company over the huge boobs and the complexion issues is still in appeal, but looking good according to his Russian attorney, who also just happens to be his Russian mail-order-bride. As soon as the case settles, the main-stream media will be brought up to speed so that they can stop looking for a body.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe:

I have hearing impediments myself, and once met a young lady who claimed to be "an audiologist" and if I came by she would check me out.

However once I arrived she explained that she was actually saying she was "a naughtyologist". She also had a different spelling for the word "aural". Based on the next actions she took I believe she was trying to bribe me to keep her quackery on the QT.

Since my hearing has not improved, do I have a malpractice case here? And if so, how many more treatments can I get before filing it?

This brings to mind that my primary care physician, who is female, did things to me at my last physical examination which, I think, would be of the category of acts that would send us both to hell, according to the Christian Right, and I didn't even enjoy it. Should I charge her with rape, or should I ask forgiveness from a televangelist?

According to TA (Televangelists Anonymous) you should enter a 12 step program that will include thanking her for giving you a glimpse of both heaven and hell at the same time.

Not bad. Guess who gets to field the questions when it comes time for AVG-Vacation?

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe,

I'm wondering about what 'it' is all about.

If you put your right hand in,
You put your right hand out,
You put your right hand in,
And you shake it all about,

You do the hokey pokey
and you turn yourself around,

Is it really true that is what 'it' is all about?

What is 'it' anyway?

hokey pokey - YouTube

BTW this video is a surprise. Check it out.

It is variable. If your mood changes or your needs change, it changes right along with them, keeping it as EXACTLY what you need, want or desire at any given moment.

Change your mind, change your environment, change your socks, and it changes too!

It is the most versatile thing you can put your hands on - everyone wants it, and girl... you have it!

 

[AVG-JOE]

Hey Joe:

I have to ax you again:

"Why?"

Sleepless in San Diego

"Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.

Grown men ask, "When?"

 

[September]

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe:

I am going on vacation this week. We are driving 15 hours with two young children.

So I must ask

Are we there yet?

Thanks in advance.

PS: there will be beer, oh yes, much beer

No. But that does NOT mean that the beer must remain sealed. Just make a note of where the rest areas are along the way.

"When your riding 16 hours and there's nothin' much to do....."

 

[IlarMeilyr]

Hey Joe:

I have to ax you again:

"Why?"

Sleepless in San Diego

"Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.

Grown men ask, "When?"

Joe:

I am unfamiliar with unicorn questions.

Do unicorns ask philosophical questions or are they merely curious?

Sleepless in Springfield

 

[Vandalshandle]

I have not seen this much wisdom from one person since my brother advised me to get a divorce, back in 1975....

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe

If God exists, do you think God would look more like Zeus, or a dragon?

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Hey Joe:

I have to ax you again:

"Why?"

Sleepless in San Diego

"Why?" is a question for little girls and unicorns.

Grown men ask, "When?"

Joe:

I am unfamiliar with unicorn questions.

Do unicorns ask philosophical questions or are they merely curious?

Sleepless in Springfield

More curiosity than a kitten with gloves on.... rarely philosophical. ALWAYS asking "why?"