Words of wisdom

Discussion in 'Humor' started by CSM, Dec 17, 2004.

  1. CSM

    CSM Senior Member

    Jul 7, 2004
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    Northeast US

    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
    died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
    the passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
    and you get a headache, do what it says on the
    aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
    from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
    There's a support group for that. It's called
    EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
    it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked
    into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
    night, drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
    ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to
    save the infant's life without even considering if
    there is a man on base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time
    job, and we should treat it like one. If your
    boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
    should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
    severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
    should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
    took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
    I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
    to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
    have better verbal skills than men. I just want to
    say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
    I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh
    my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
    of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the
    crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
    Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
    the impersonators would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
    us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but
    they turned sixty and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told
    that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
    single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
    the logic in that? What,do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
    Monogamy is the same."
    --Oscar Wilde

    16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you
    were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain
    17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high
    school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown

    18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need
    a place."
    --Billy Crystal

    19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
    --Dave Barry

    20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken
  2. UsaPride

    UsaPride Senior Member

    Mar 13, 2004
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  3. Said1

    Said1 VIP Member

    Jan 26, 2004
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    Somewhere in Ontario

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