16 things

Discussion in 'Humor' started by CSM, Dec 17, 2004.

  1. CSM
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    CSM Senior Member

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    *16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN*
    *BY DAVE BARRY, NATIONALLY SYNDICATED COLUMNIST*

    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and will never achieve its full potential, that one word would be "meetings."

    3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    7. Never lick a steak knife!

    8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

    13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

    14. Your friends love you anyway.

    15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

    16. Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

    *FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY*

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    Have a great day!
     
  2. UsaPride
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    UsaPride Senior Member

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    I'll agree with that!!!! :D
     
  3. CSM
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    CSM Senior Member

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    #16 explains a lot!
     
  4. no1tovote4
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    no1tovote4 VIP Member

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    Why did it take him so long to figure that one out?
     
  5. Zhukov
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    Zhukov VIP Member

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    Nonsense.
    Very, very, very true.
     
  6. CSM
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    CSM Senior Member

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    I bet you speak with a forked tongue!
     
  7. Zhukov
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    Zhukov VIP Member

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    Never, just a rough one.
     
  8. Johnney
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    Johnney Senior Member

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  9. pretender
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    pretender Member

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    Good ones CSM.
     
  10. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    We started daylight savings time to give farmers more daylight hours to work in the fields. We still observe it due to both momentum of tradition and so hyper little kids can stay outside until bedtime instead of wrecking their own house.

    Scratch that one off the list.
     

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