Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers

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    CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS

    The following appeared in the Columbus Dispatch on 11/16/04 written by Joe Blundo, a Dispatch columnist.

    Canada Busy Sending Back Bush-Dodgers

    The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has
    intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop
    the illegal immigration.

    The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among
    left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and
    agree with Bill O'Reilly.

    Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
    professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
    night.

    "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
    producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose
    acreage borders North Dakota.

    The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.

    "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.
    When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him
    my screenplay, eh?"

    In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences,
    but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
    Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

    "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
    annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

    Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
    near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
    across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

    "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario
    border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking
    water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

    When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
    wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have
    been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
    camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
    NASCAR.

    In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
    sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
    Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap
    Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans
    disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping
    buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.

    "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we
    get suspicious about their age," an official said.

    Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating
    and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
    movies.

    "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't
    support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does
    one country need?"

    In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
    President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
    administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to
    Cheney said.

    "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
    some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to
    reach out."
     

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