Why I could never vote for Newt - he wanted me dead

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by OohPooPahDoo, Dec 31, 2011.

  1. OohPooPahDoo
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    OohPooPahDoo Gold Member

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    (DISCLAIMER: The following narrative is not the narrative of a real person and is for entertainment value only)


    In summer of '97 I was part of a conspiracy of 4 to smuggle approximately 45 pounds of marijuana from Chihuahua, Mexico through Big Bend National Park and into the United States (before you call the DEA, note that the statue of limitations ran up in 2002, and also note that 45 lbs really isn't much pot.) I didn't touch any actual dope but instead drove the lead car in a two car system designed to get the pot out of the park while one of the 100 mile border checkpoints was unmanned.

    It was a really, really stupid thing to do, but hey, I was only 20. My financial interest in the operation was a mere 15%, but hey, it was fun, the Mexicans threw a big party for us, bringing sacks of cold beer from the only bar in town, and passing around a folded dollar bill with a pile of cocaine on it and a pocket knife for scooping it into your nose. Ahh, the good ole days!

    Had we been caught and Newt Gingrich had his way, we would have all been executed. Now - nearly 15 years later, all 4 of us have PhD's - two in physics, one in chemistry, and one in soil science. So FUCK YOU Newt!!!!
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  2. WillowTree
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    WillowTree Diamond Member

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    Big assed liar.
     
  3. old navy
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    old navy <<< Action Figures

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    Dumb story.
     
  4. OohPooPahDoo
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    OohPooPahDoo Gold Member

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    While bearing in mind the disclaimer in the OP, its all true.

    It was quite easy as that area is extremely remote. We literally walked across the Rio Grande on the way into Mexico (hiring a guy with a small raft on the way back, for $1, due to our increased load) - at the time at least, there was no border entry checkpoint because St Helena only has like 100 people living in it and the nearest town of any size on the Mexican side is far far away. So literally nothing at the border there - except the dude with the raft.

    The only checkpoint was the checkpoints near the exits of the park (the 40 or 100 mile checkpoints whatever they call them). While vacationing earlier in the summer, we noticed these points weren't always manned. So our strategy was to place a lead car ahead of the car with the pot. In the event the checkpoint is not manned, the lead car turns around and heads back the opposite direction. The pot car will see the lead car returning and then known the checkpoint is unmanned and proceed through. In the event the checkpoint is manned, the pot car will not see the lead car coming back by a certain mile marker, and will turn around and set up camp back in the park. The lead car proceeds through to to town and gets a room for the night, and the next day the lead car returns and go back to step 1. All of this of course had to be executed with some precision, as the pot car needed to know by what mile marker he should expect to see the lead car passing him on the return. Also - if that turn around point is too close to the checkpoint, the turn around may be noticed and deemed suspicious. If the turn around point is too far away, though, the information the hot car is getting (that the point is clear) is older and less likely to be accurate.

    As it so happened, the checkpoint was unmanned on our first attempt, and I turned around and passed the hot car almost exactly at the mile marker we anticipated it would be (the leader of this operation was extremely attentive to detail and we had to drive a certain speed, leave the origination point at the right time, etc., to make this happen). He proceeded through the checkpoint that he now knew to be unmanned, I turned around and followed him, and we met up in the nearest town to celebrate our success. The hot car then to the longer but less cop ridden route home to Louisiana (I-20) while I took I 10 home.


    But like I said -all fictional, never actually happened in real life.

    EDIT: A couple years later I'd unwittingly come up to the El Paso checkpoint on a purely for pleasure vacation, having just burned and big fatass doobie and having 2 ozs of good shit in the car. They just asked if I was a citizen and waived me through! They even had a dog right there. So its quite possible the hot car above could have gotten through fine without me by just being cool as ice.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  5. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    Well I guess Newt will just have to make due without the drug smugglers
    votes, then.
     
  6. The T
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    The T George S. Patton Party Supporting Member

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    Have a link or did you pull this one out of your ass too?
     
  7. JoeB131
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    JoeB131 Diamond Member

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    My personal opinion is that the war on drugs is a huge waste of time and money.

    That said, neither party is willing to admit this at this point, so until we can admit the foolishness of treating a medical issue like a criminal matter, we can expect politicians to make silly statements like this.

    Reality is, we can't even get murderers executed at this point, much less drug dealers.
     
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  8. OohPooPahDoo
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    OohPooPahDoo Gold Member

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    We were also all cranked up on crystal meth, which made us absurdly paranoid the entire time.

    As we were getting into our cars to leave the dirt parking lot on the U.S. side, this guy who had passed us with a wheel barrow full of clothes had set his wheel barrow down, turned around, and starting walking quickly towards us. We thought he was either DEA or worse - a thug trying to steal all the shit we just bought - but years later I think maybe he was just a Mexican who needed a ride.

    A fellow camper noticed us packing the dope in the hot car late at night, as evidenced by him saying "go get em boys" as he passed us - so that didn't help.




    EDIT: I also have another Mexican story equally as dumb, but we didn't break any laws this time. We (different crew) went down just to have a good time and wound up getting kidnapped/arrested by thugs/cops (to this day have no idea which ones or if the distinction is even relevant). So we had to pay a ransom/bribe. Of course our own actions led to this stupid thing happening but we weren't breaking any laws. They took our valid prescriptions and tossed them out the window and then said we'd do 5 years for having drugs without a prescription.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  9. percysunshine
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    percysunshine Gold Member

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    "(DISCLAIMER: The following narrative is not the narrative of a real person and is for entertainment value only)"

    Monkeys can type....
     
  10. OohPooPahDoo
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    OohPooPahDoo Gold Member

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    A link to what? Its my own personal true (but fictional) story.
     

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