When is it a good time to introduce...

[Angel Heart]

The new relationship to children after a divorce?

I ask this because my ex is wanting to introduce his girlfriend to our children. He's not planning on moving in with or marrying her. We made the choice to divorce 6 months ago but didn't physically separate until last month. I am engaged now but waiting until late spring to introduce the children to him. We will be getting married about this time next year. If I wasn't planning on marrying him I wouldn't be introducing him to them at all.

 

[random3434]

As a single mom, I wait until I'm in a serious relationship unitl they meet my daughter.

When I was just dating, I would meet my dates out.

And I've NEVER had a man spend the night at my house, even when I was engaged.

 

[Angel Heart]

There's a 1000 miles between us. There will not be over nights. We will not be moving in together until we're married. I'm waiting to introduce so that we get time getting adjusted to being away from their father.

 

[Intense]

The new relationship to children after a divorce?

I ask this because my ex is wanting to introduce his girlfriend to our children. He's not planning on moving in with or marrying her. We made the choice to divorce 6 months ago but didn't physically separate until last month. I am engaged now but waiting until late spring to introduce the children to him. We will be getting married about this time next year. If I wasn't planning on marrying him I wouldn't be introducing him to them at all.

Seems like allot happening fast. I would suggest that introducing is cool, but keep it light. How many kid's and how old? Boy's? Girl's? How is he with kids in general?

The reason I ask that is my Wife had 3 when we hooked up. There are alway's unforeseen issues. Transference, Turf, Personalities. Try to keep it above the surface. No down talking any of the spouses, keep it civil. Years pass, memories and regrets don't.

 

[Luissa]

I don't know if six months is long enough.
The only guy who has met my son is the guy I was dating when he was born. I have no plans to introduce him to the new guy in my life any time soon.
I think your ex should be a little more serious with her, and give it a little more time. They are probably still getting over the divorce.

 

[Big Black Dog]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

 

[California Girl]

As a single mom, I wait until I'm in a serious relationship unitl they meet my daughter.

When I was just dating, I would meet my dates out.

And I've NEVER had a man spend the night at my house, even when I was engaged.

Tell Mini EZ her mom rocks. Putting your kids best interests above your own is the mark of a great parent.

 

[California Girl]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

 

[High_Gravity]

The new relationship to children after a divorce?

I ask this because my ex is wanting to introduce his girlfriend to our children. He's not planning on moving in with or marrying her. We made the choice to divorce 6 months ago but didn't physically separate until last month. I am engaged now but waiting until late spring to introduce the children to him. We will be getting married about this time next year. If I wasn't planning on marrying him I wouldn't be introducing him to them at all.

So your going to get married but jusy physically separated from your ex last month? thats pretty quick, you don't want to be single for a while and have your freedom? it seems that alot of the women I met who were divorced were in no hurry to get married again.

 

[Neser Boha]

The new relationship to children after a divorce?

I ask this because my ex is wanting to introduce his girlfriend to our children. He's not planning on moving in with or marrying her. We made the choice to divorce 6 months ago but didn't physically separate until last month. I am engaged now but waiting until late spring to introduce the children to him. We will be getting married about this time next year. If I wasn't planning on marrying him I wouldn't be introducing him to them at all.

I think all of this might be a little too much too soon for the kids and even for you. If you've divorced just 6 months ago and physically separated a month ago, I'd give it at least 6 more months before introducing another person into the kids' life.

I would also suggest you give yourself a little time before you decide to marry someone so soon after a divorce ... You might be on a route to a rebound. If I were you, I'd take some me time before making such a huge decision, but that's just me.

 

[Angel Heart]

You have to understand how it all started. I married my ex because I was pregnant. I'm now engaged to my high school sweetheart. I was with him for 8 years before I met my ex. The only reason we broke up was due to not being strong enough to fight for us and let others control us.

I have 4 kids 16, 15, 12, and 8. Oldest 3 are boys and the littlest is a girl. I called it quits due to becoming very aware of the emotional neglect. He's addicted to video games. He would come home have dinner and then put on his head sets to play video games on line all night until he went to bed. I was already in a single mother stage long before this.

I am taking it slowly with my engagement. I will not be introducing the children to him until late spring and then he'll be heading back to California. He will be moving up here but has to set things up on his end to make it happen. We both know this has to be a slow path. He has an 8 yr old son.

 

[Cecilie1200]

You have to understand how it all started. I married my ex because I was pregnant. I'm now engaged to my high school sweetheart. I was with him for 8 years before I met my ex. The only reason we broke up was due to not being strong enough to fight for us and let others control us.

I have 4 kids 16, 15, 12, and 8. Oldest 3 are boys and the littlest is a girl. I called it quits due to becoming very aware of the emotional neglect. He's addicted to video games. He would come home have dinner and then put on his head sets to play video games on line all night until he went to bed. I was already in a single mother stage long before this.

I am taking it slowly with my engagement. I will not be introducing the children to him until late spring and then he'll be heading back to California. He will be moving up here but has to set things up on his end to make it happen. We both know this has to be a slow path. He has an 8 yr old son.

Okay, I'm not going to comment on your relationships and life choices - unlike some people around here who simply can't seem to resist - since you didn't ask. I'm going to stick to your actual topic.

My rule of thumb to introducing anyone into my kids' lives is, do they NEED to meet this person? Is there actually a reason for it? In your case, I'd say since you are planning to get married, that would constitute a definite "need to introduce" scenario. I assume your children are aware of the relationship, and given their ages, I would suggest talking to them about it, particularly the older ones. Find out how they're feeling about the divorce and about your new relationship, and what THEY feel they need to make this transition comfortable and positive for them. Communication is always a useful tool.

In your ex-husband's case, if he's not planning to marry her OR cohabitate with her, may I ask WHY he feels he needs to introduce her to the children? What is the pressing need for this apparently transitory woman to become part of his children's lives? I am also going to point out that, unless he has said he's going to be guided by you in this area, there's likely not much you can do about who he introduces them to or when.

 

[California Girl]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

Kids don't choose to be born. You have a child, you commit to putting their needs above your own. Not rocket science. Kids shouldn't be expected to just accept whoever their parent chooses to bring in as the new 'dad' or 'mom'.

 

[Neser Boha]

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

Kids don't choose to be born. You have a child, you commit to putting their needs above your own. Not rocket science. Kids shouldn't be expected to just accept whoever their parent chooses to bring in as the new 'dad' or 'mom'.

Agreed. If you want a life of no compromises and freedom to do what you want hundred percent of the time, don't have kids ... Purrrdy simple

 

[Big Black Dog]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

I was an Adolescent Treatment Specialist in a County Group Home for Kids that were placed there by the court system instead of being sent to jail. The ages of the kids that were able to be placed in this group home was between 9 and 18. Just about every kid that was there came from a family setting just as you describe RetiredGySgt. They got into trouble because they were the "spoils" of parents who had better things to do then raise their kids in a stable home. They were most often viewed as just being in the way of a parent and a step-parent that was too absorbed with their wants and needs to care for their children in a responsible way. While it is true that Mom and Dad have a life too they also have the responsibility to raise their children in a stable environment. You can't tell me that children who are the children of two divorcing parents that have already committed to marry somebody else before the divorce is even final are coming from a stable home. There may be some exceptions out there in the world but those exceptions are few and far between.

 

[AllieBaba]

Wow! It didn't take very long for both of you to hook up with somebody new... Might not be a bad idea to slow down a bit and take some deep breaths. This might be rebounding on both you and your soon to be ex-husband's part. Your kids heads could be reeling with all the revolving doors.

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

Stats don't bear that out.

Kids do better if their parents don't date or remarry after divorce. Particularly immediately after divorce, and the OP is just 4 weeks out. Wow. Not only does she have a fiance waiting in the wings, she thinks she should be able to dictate to her ex when and where he introduces his fling to them.

All in all, not healthy or wise.

 

[AllieBaba]

^^^^ What he said. Divorce is hard on kids... it can take years for them to adapt.

Personally, I wouldn't be introducing some guy to my kids (if I had them) and announcing that I'm marrying the guy. Kids need to be able to build a relationship with him before big decisions like marrying and shit.

OP seems pretty damned selfish to me.

Bullshit. Mom and Dad have lives too. What is selfish is kids that think they can dictate to their parents who they can and can not see or marry. And adults that think that is acceptable.

I was an Adolescent Treatment Specialist in a County Group Home for Kids that were placed there by the court system instead of being sent to jail. The ages of the kids that were able to be placed in this group home was between 9 and 18. Just about every kid that was there came from a family setting just as you describe RetiredGySgt. They got into trouble because they were the "spoils" of parents who had better things to do then raise their kids in a stable home. They were most often viewed as just being in the way of a parent and a step-parent that was too absorbed with their wants and needs to care for their children in a responsible way. While it is true that Mom and Dad have a life too they also have the responsibility to raise their children in a stable environment. You can't tell me that children who are the children of two divorcing parents that have already committed to marry somebody else before the divorce is even final are coming from a stable home. There may be some exceptions out there in the world but those exceptions are few and far between.

Me too. Worked with kids in detention; the one thing they all had in common was parents who were too self-absorbed to focus on them.

 

[Madeline]

You have to understand how it all started. I married my ex because I was pregnant. I'm now engaged to my high school sweetheart. I was with him for 8 years before I met my ex. The only reason we broke up was due to not being strong enough to fight for us and let others control us.

I have 4 kids 16, 15, 12, and 8. Oldest 3 are boys and the littlest is a girl. I called it quits due to becoming very aware of the emotional neglect. He's addicted to video games. He would come home have dinner and then put on his head sets to play video games on line all night until he went to bed. I was already in a single mother stage long before this.

I am taking it slowly with my engagement. I will not be introducing the children to him until late spring and then he'll be heading back to California. He will be moving up here but has to set things up on his end to make it happen. We both know this has to be a slow path. He has an 8 yr old son.

Angel Heart, there's a value in being honest with your children -- especially the teenagers. Take it slow, limit their exposure and gauge their reaction. I dun think there's one single formula for success here.

As for your ex's conduct, you can share your concerns if you two still have a civil relationship, but you cannot control how he chooses to interact with his children and should not try. If the kids come to you with concerns, listen and encourage them to discuss them with their Daddy.

Everyone fears the step-parents and even moreso, the revolving door of lovers. But for me, the step-parent was a huge blessing. My ex's new wife helped to cool things off, has never been anything but kind to my kid, and we all love her now.

Listen to your own heart, not a bunch of strangers on a message board.

 

[RetiredGySgt]

Unbelievable, some parents should never be parents so every parent should not remarry or date after divorce. I got that about right?

She already told you tools she was not going to introduce him till later. And then go slow. Further you dumb asses, she is asking for advice about it. And all you can do is tell her suck it up, forget about your life, forget about ever being with another guy, cause those poor kids , that she obviously loves and TAKES CARE of, can not accept reality that mom and dad are NO LONGER together and never will be again.

She has a right to happiness BESIDES just her kids. And the kids have no right to prevent that. GASP, one can actually be loving and supportive of their kids and have a partner in life too.