JimBowie1958
Old Fogey
- Sep 25, 2011
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(Please delete dupe thread posted in Humor Section).
I started a thread here:
Message to LGBTQ people -- stop pushing your agenda into my beloved roleplaying games!!!
A quote from the character creation section of the Dungeon & Dragons Next (5th ed.) Players Handbook:
You don't need to be confined to binary notions of sex and gender. The elf god Corellon Larethian is often seen as androgynous or hermaphroditic, for example, and some elves in the multiverse are made in Corellon's image. You could also play a female character who presents herself as a man, a man who feels trapped in a female body, or a bearded female dwarf who hates being mistaken for a male. Likewise, your character's sexual orientation is for you to decide.
This kind of paragraph now appears universally in the character creation sections of role playing games, reflecting a changing society where people pushing the radical LGBTQ agenda have more power to blackball a game publisher than traditionalists who might oppose the LGBTQ agenda.
But let us say we return to a more traditional age, an age of more traditional values, say the 1950's before the dawn of the sexual revolution, before the radicalization caused by the Vietnam War, and when homosexuality was the "love that dares not speak its name."
A simpler time, when men were men, and women were women, and never any confusion between the two (or so it appeared).
And let's say that traditional values groups who cared about keeping men in the office/factory and women in the kitchen pressured Wizards of the Coast to rewrite the character creation chapters of the Players Handbook to reflect traditional gender roles. And that these traditional values people were willing to blackball Wizards of the Coast if it didn't comply, the way the LGBTQ threatens to blackball Wizards of the Coast today if it doesn't put in the mandatory "gender identity" paragraph above.
And let's keep in mind that the 1950's was an era of "pushback" against progress for women. During World War II, women worked in factories to take the place of men who fought in the war, and women started wearing pants. After the war, traditionalists tried to set the clock back, causing such "advice" sections like this to be published in women's magazines:
The Good Wife's Guide (5/13/55 Houskeeping Monthly)
So what would that PHB look like if Wizards of the Coast was forced to rewrite it by traditionalists in the 1950's?
Here's some examples I think would be in there:
CHAPTER 2: RACES
Dwarf
Men are men, and dwarves are dwarves, but male dwarves are even more manly than men! You like to drink, fight, kill monsters, and search for treasure to support your wife and little ones, like any good dwarf male would. You will not do anything a female dwarf might do, like help tidy the dwarf cave, that's female dwarf work! Also, you will not cook, change little dwarf baby diapers, or lift one finger to help your wife in any way with HER WORK, though you will take out the dwarf garbage because that's a dwarf male job that requires you to be strong like a good dwarf male should be.
If you are a female dwarf character, you cannot leave the dwarf cave, because it is your job to stay at home and mind the hearth, you have no business adventuring with the males! Therefore it is not advised to roleplay a female dwarf character, which is why you never see one on a Tolkien adventure.
Elf
An elf is an androgynous creature who giggles like a schoolgirl, sings fruity songs in the forest, and prances about the meadows like a queer. Therefore, roleplaying an elf is not allowed in this game!
Halfling
If you are a male halfling, you are only half a man, but we will let you adventure with us since your kind is so good at sneaking into evil kingdoms and throwing away the ring that would destroy the world. But don't think you're one of the guys! We'll treat you like the woman of the adventuring party and make you cook dinner and clean up the camp, you'll be a good bitch like Samwise Gamgee!
If you are a female halfling, the only character class allowed to you is Housewife! Housewife is not an adventuring class! Stay home and watch the hobbit children, and be ready with slippers, a newspaper, and a pipe full of hobbit-weed when your husband comes home. And have lots of hobbit babies, that's your job!
Human
Male humans are the straight white males of the D&D world. Assume you are in charge in every adventuring party, because that's your privilege. You belong to the youngest race, but you are ambitious, flexible, and willing to try new ideas. In other words, your culture is the D&D equivalent to Western Europe. You are not bound to old, musty traditions like elves and dwarves, who represent ancient civilizations that are now backwards third-world-countries in decline.
Some female humans, like Joan of Arc, think they can cut their hair like a man, dress like a man, wear armor like a man, and fight like a man. They would be wrong! Stay home female humans, you are not wanted on the battlefield!
Gnome
Male gnomes have beards, so we know they are males. In every other way, their high squeaky voices, their excitable personalities, their flighty temper, their inability to admit they are wrong, they are just like females. We allow them on adventuring parties out of respect for the beard, nothing more.
I don't think there even is such a thing as a female gnome. Certainly we have no use for them, because male gnomes tinker with gadgets and clockwork devices, and females certainly don't know how to do that! If there are female gnomes, their silly little heads are filled with loving small furry creatures like squirrels and chipmunks. No need for anyone like that on an adventure! Stay home like a good female gnome should and gather nuts for your friends! And when your husband comes home, give him some nuts, or better yet, let him give his nuts to you!
Half-elf
You are still part-way an elf, which makes you queer, so we don't want you in the adventuring party! Stay home and do whatever you do with your other half-elf friends. We don't want to know about it!
Half-orc
If you are a male half-orc you are quite the manly male, and your orcish heritage makes you tough, mean, and mysogynistic, certainly good qualities for any male. You are certainly welcome with all your manliness!
Female half-orcs, a more difficult question! You are mostly manly, but not all the way. Your gender confusion makes us confused, but maybe we'll just pretend you're a male and allow you in the adventure! Just don't break our balls over the fact that you're really a female and we'll get along just fine!
CHAPTER 3: CLASSES
If you are a female the following classes are prohibited to you: Barbarian, Bard, Cleric, Druid, Fighter, Monk, Paladin, Ranger, Rogue, Sorcerer, Warlock, and Wizard.
Classes that are allowed to females: Housewife, Cleaning Lady, Teacher, Nurse, Librarian, none of these are adventuring classes! Stay home, the adventuring life is not for you! When your adventurer husband comes home, coo to him sweetly and tell him how manly and brave he is, and promise to keep him warm at night with your female-ly goodness! And if you don't want to have sex with your husband, too bad! That's the job you signed up for when you married him! Do your job, you ungrateful wench!
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS MEANT TO BE HUMOROUS AND DOES NOT REFLECT MY PERSONAL VIEWS ON THE ROLE OF WOMEN IN THE HOME AND THE WORKPLACE. I AM JUST TRYING TO MAKE A POINT, WHICH IS THAT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IN THE 1950'S REQUIRED MAGAZINES TO PRINT STUFF LIKE THIS, AND IT WAS WRONG THEN TO FORCE MAGAZINES AND GAME PUBLISHERS TO PRINT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GARBAGE, AND IT'S WRONG NOW.
Dungeons and Dragons is one of the most racist productions currently sold, but, much like Star Trek, since it is applied to fantasy races, no one bothers with it.
