The Cycle of Abuse

[AllieBaba]

You can thank Gay Biker for this thread...

"Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building


Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up


Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm


Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim"

Cycle Of Violence - Domestic Violence

Definition

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.


Examples of abuse include:


name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.


The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER


You are not alone
It is not your fault
Help is available

 

[Madeline]

That was a terrific post, Allie.

Thankies.

 

[AllieBaba]

Welcome!

I tend to think everybody knows all about DV because in my field, we're all immersed in it all the time...but there are lots of people who really don't know much about it, and who have all sorts of misconceptions about it.

I interviewed a police chief who was retiring after a couple of decades and I asked him about the one thing he learned during his tenure that took him by surprise...he said he was walking away from that job with one primary thing...an understanding that women who are abused and stay in abusive relationships have no easy choices, and often staying in an abusive relationship IS the only choice they have. He said he always thought "if somebody abuses you, you just leave..." but after years of going on DV calls and seeing the way it works, he learned it's not easy to leave, these women have a lot to lose, including their children and their lives, and they have many, many reasons for staying in those relationships and/or returning to them.

 

[peach174]

I was abused by my first husband but I took the bull by the horns and got a divorce from him and made him pay for the divorce to boot.
Be it a man or a woman that is abusing you, you must realize that they never ever did love you, or they would have never treated you that way. You must get out of that relationship and realize that someone out there is really for you,one who really truly loves you.
I found mine and we have been married for 27 yrs.

 

[AllieBaba]

Sometimes it's very, very complicated, there are children involved, other friends and relatives, or the abused person is so afraid that they feel safer where they can see their abuser, rather than leaving and living with the fear of being found.

And generally, victims love their abusers. They have a life with them. They often have children with them, and the children love them.

 

[AllieBaba]

Incidentally, victims are at higher risk of death when they leave than at any other time.

And they know it.

 

[peach174]

Boy howdy you got that right. I had to point my 38 at him and told him never to touch me again. Shook him up so bad that he never did touch me again.

 

[AllieBaba]

Yeah, you're lucky.

I tried to get the gun but before I could get it loaded, he took it from me and used it against my shoulders to slam me into the wall. He also threatened to bash my head in with it, but thankfully didn't. He let the wall do that for him.

 

[peach174]

That was your problem, you didn't have it loaded . That's the biggest mistake people make,not keeping your gun loaded. Things happen to quickly, so it must be loaded at all times.
Mine tried to choke me,when he let go I went and got my gun and just pointed it at him from a distance so that he could not do that very same thing.

 

[Ernie S.]

An unloaded gun is simply an inefficient club.

Ahh but the true cycle of abuse is a hard tail Harley Davidson. My first bike was a '49 like this, only white. 400 miles and your kidneys would bleed.

 

[AllieBaba]

An unloaded gun is simply an inefficient club.

[/IMG]

No kidding! Unfortunately, we had climby babies in the house so keeping it loaded wasn't an option. they were into everything. Or maybe it was fortunate, because I was going to kill his ass. He'd slapped me until I fell down unconscious in the kitchen. I crawled into the bedroom in a still befuddled state and pulled the gun out; I didn't know where he was. He showed up before I had time to get the shells in.

 

[peach174]

sweet bike ernie

 

[Ernie S.]

An unloaded gun is simply an inefficient club.

[/IMG]

No kidding! Unfortunately, we had climby babies in the house so keeping it loaded wasn't an option. they were into everything. Or maybe it was fortunate, because I was going to kill his ass. He'd slapped me until I fell down unconscious in the kitchen. I crawled into the bedroom in a still befuddled state and pulled the gun out; I didn't know where he was. He showed up before I had time to get the shells in.

I friggin' hate abusive men! Sexual, physical, mental and verbal abuse sicken me. I dislike being ashamed of my gender. My knight in shining armor side tends to come out and I can get real ugly when provoked.
Sorry you had to go through what you did and I'm happy to see you came out of it a stronger person.
True story: I was arrested for assault on my ex-wife. She was trying to provoke me so she could have me tossed out during our divorce.
She punched me in the face 3 times, each time getting a warning. The 4th time she swung, I caught her by the wrist and squeezed hard enough to leave bruises. I was arrested and spent a night in jail.
The charges were eventually nollied provided I went to anger management classes. The psychologist signed off after the first visit, saying I had managed my anger pretty damned well under the circumstances.

 

[peach174]

See? Abuse goes both ways.
The first time mine hit me was in the car going down the highway at 80 miles an hour. That was so I couldn't jump out. He hit me continually on top of my thigh until it was purple,not just black and blue but purple. The SOB