Lord Long Rod
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- Jan 17, 2023
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Winds topple 40-foot National Christmas Tree outside White House; video shows crane raising it upright
The 40-foot Norway spruce fell Tuesday after a strong wind gust, but has since been put upright again.
www.usatoday.com
Initial reports state that the WH Christmas tree fell over due to "high winds". Most saw the defective Christmas ornament as the perfect symbol of the Biden administration, since Joe Biden himself is clearly vertically challenged. However, shortly after this was reported it became clear that something much darker was behind this mishap. After the tree was put back up, it was heard sobbing and weeping by the maintenance people, who then contacted authorities. Once on the scene, the Christmas tree authorities interviewed the tree. This is what it had to say.
"Why me, you know? I was not hurting anybody. I was just living out there in the woods, minding my own business. I was home to 2 bird families and some gray squirrels. Then the men from the government came and ruined my life. They ruined my fucking life, man!!!", the tree is quoted as saying. It then continued,
"I mean, I know some trees will go into public service as a Christmas tree, but that is not really my thing. I am more of a loner. My place is in the forest. This was not my choice. But, I mean, if I was going to go into public service then I would want to be the official Christmas tree for someone, or something, special and worthwhile. Not the fucking Joe Biden administration!! Jesus Christ!!! Nobody wants to sacrifice their lives in nature for Joe Fucking Biden!!" The guy is a fucking pervert, for Christ's sake!!"
The tree then made these stunning observations: "Do you realize that since I have been here on the front lawn of the White House I have seen all sorts of crooked shit? I have seen drug deals between Hunter and some nefarious looking bastards. Mysterious foreign nationals are coming and going at all hours of the night, carrying bags of cash. Biden's spokesperson, Karine Jean Pierre, has hiked her leg and urinated on me THREE FUCKING TIMES!!! I have even been dry humped by Commander....AND JOE!!! The indignities I have suffered as a result of the trashy Bidens are horrible. Nobody, or tree, should have to endure this degrading shit! And do you know what the real kick in the balls is?? I am dying. These are my last days on Mother Earth and I am going to die with these degenerate fuckers." The tree then breaks down again, weeping and sobbing.
After pulling itself back together, the tree gave its account of what happened to cause it to fall over. "See, I just wanted to get home to my forest. I don't want to fucking die HERE! So I pulled myself up, freeing myself from the platform holding me in place. I knew that I could not "walk", per se. I don't have any legs, you know? Ha ha!!! But I thought maybe I could just kind of hop back to the forest, you know, based upon sheer will and determination. But it did not work. I fell right the fuck over and landed on my side. But I had to try, you know? I had to try, man. While lying there, waiting for help, I was robbed and beaten by multiple black gang members, like 10 times that night. Then, sometime before dawn, Hunter came out here and raped me while on another coke and booze bender."
The tree then finished with a very dark and somber thought. "If I could, I would kill myself, right here on the White House lawn. Fuck Joe Biden and his fucking miscreant administration. I would rather be Jimmy Carter's Christmas tree. Jimmy was dumber than a fucking dick, but at least he was a decent and moral man. Joe Biden is a fucking creep! I wish I had burned down in a fucking forest fire rather than having to die here with the trashy fucking Bidens. Long live global warming, motherfuckers!!"
