In his first week as President of These Here United States, Our Glorious Leader Donald J. Trump swept down from Valhalla and accomplished more than most presidents do in a lifetime. Among his innumerable wonderful and admirable achievements: He signed an Executive Order to “secure the southern border of the United States through the immediate construction of a physical wall.” He threatened to cut federal funding to “sanctuary cities” that harbor illegal aliens who clean toilets, sell drugs, and rape women. He stabbed the Trans Pacific Partnership to death. He enacted an immediate federal hiring freeze. He called for a “major investigation” into voter fraud during the last election. He advanced plans for the Keystone and Dakota pipelines. He temporarily blocked all refugees from entering the United States for 120 days. He blocked Syrian refugees indefinitely and barred visa applicants from Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Iran, Somalia, and Sudan, thus sparing American citizens from importing their demise. He won high holy hosannas from American labor-union chiefs. He met with British Prime Minister Theresa May, whereupon they winked at each other and whispered that they would make the Anglosphere great again. It ain’t vainglorious if it’s great again! Despite all these monumental achievements, the press attempted to deflect attention by focusing on the size of his inauguration crowd and showing pictures of crying Muslims.