Dear Prospective Employer:
As you will see from the attached resume, I am an intelligent, competent, capable, and proven “professional,” and I can be a tremendous asset to your company. I truly look forward to being a significant contributor to your organization. But to put us on the proper footing right from the start, I have taken the liberty of answering some pertinent questions that you might be too timid to ask.
Yes, I have two wonderful children, who are the primary focus of my life. I also have a neurotic mother, and I am the focus of her life. So when there’s a problem with the babysitter I will be coming in late; when there are “important”’ after-school activities I will be leaving early; and when any of the three of them gets sick, I will be calling in “sick” (God forbid I ever get sick myself). I will also be getting four or five lengthy phone calls every day from my mother, since she has no life of her own and will have to satisfy herself that I have not died, passed out, or failed to eat lunch, and that I am properly taking care of my children and husband.
And don’t ask whether HE can handle any of this; he has an IMPORTANT job and can’t be spared.
So forget about long hours, weekend work, and overnight travel. I can juggle sixteen balls at one time, but not from a thousand miles away.
If you hold any of this against me and decide not to hire me, or to offer me a little less because of it I will sue your ass. Check the resume. And a year from now, when it’s time for my performance review you had better treat me as well as the guy next to me who is working 50-60 hour weeks and covering all the out-of-town assignments for both of us, because if you don’t, I’ll have your ass in front of H.R. so fast your head will spin, you sexist bastard.
Did I mention that I’m pregnant? Just kidding!
Sincerely,
Molly Ballbuster, MBA, CPM
Seventy-Six Percenter
FYI: This letter could have been written by my wife 35 years ago, except that there was only one kid. She now makes more than I do - well into six figures - and has lived up to everything in the letter.
As you will see from the attached resume, I am an intelligent, competent, capable, and proven “professional,” and I can be a tremendous asset to your company. I truly look forward to being a significant contributor to your organization. But to put us on the proper footing right from the start, I have taken the liberty of answering some pertinent questions that you might be too timid to ask.
Yes, I have two wonderful children, who are the primary focus of my life. I also have a neurotic mother, and I am the focus of her life. So when there’s a problem with the babysitter I will be coming in late; when there are “important”’ after-school activities I will be leaving early; and when any of the three of them gets sick, I will be calling in “sick” (God forbid I ever get sick myself). I will also be getting four or five lengthy phone calls every day from my mother, since she has no life of her own and will have to satisfy herself that I have not died, passed out, or failed to eat lunch, and that I am properly taking care of my children and husband.
And don’t ask whether HE can handle any of this; he has an IMPORTANT job and can’t be spared.
So forget about long hours, weekend work, and overnight travel. I can juggle sixteen balls at one time, but not from a thousand miles away.
If you hold any of this against me and decide not to hire me, or to offer me a little less because of it I will sue your ass. Check the resume. And a year from now, when it’s time for my performance review you had better treat me as well as the guy next to me who is working 50-60 hour weeks and covering all the out-of-town assignments for both of us, because if you don’t, I’ll have your ass in front of H.R. so fast your head will spin, you sexist bastard.
Did I mention that I’m pregnant? Just kidding!
Sincerely,
Molly Ballbuster, MBA, CPM
Seventy-Six Percenter
FYI: This letter could have been written by my wife 35 years ago, except that there was only one kid. She now makes more than I do - well into six figures - and has lived up to everything in the letter.
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