Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Intense, Oct 14, 2009.

  1. Intense
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    Intense Senior Member

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    A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

    Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

    "Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

    "Kittens." little Suzy said.

    How old are they? asked Obama.



    Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."



    "And what kind of kittens are they?"



    "Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

    Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

    Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day, and, in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

    So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

    Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy..

    "Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

    "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

    Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but.... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

    Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
     
  2. Intense
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    Intense Senior Member

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    The Pastor's Ass

    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won...



    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read:
    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race...

    The next day, the local paper headline read:
    BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.


    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.



    The bishop fainted... He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


    The next day the paper read:

    NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10...


    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild...

    The next day the headlines read:

    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.



    The bishop was buried the next day.


    The moral of the story is ...

    Being concerned about public opinion can

    bring you much grief and misery. . .
    Even shorten your life.
    So be yourself and enjoy life.
    Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
    you will be a lot happier and live longer!
     
  3. Intense
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    Intense Senior Member

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    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

    Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

    'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

    'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
     
  4. Intense
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    Intense Senior Member

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    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

    'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

    'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

    'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

    'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
     
  5. Intense
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    Intense Senior Member

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    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

    She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

    The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

    She says, 'That he did, Father..'

    The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

    'She says, 'He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' '
     
  6. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    Good ones. Got me laughing this morning.
     

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