Is Sasquatch a Communist? (a Parable)

[Lord Long Rod]

So, I was on my way home from the titty bar early Sunday morning. Yeah, I was drunk as fuck and should not be on the road…Yada yada… After getting lost a couple times, I was finally able to successfully direct my pickup truck down the right road that led to my house. About half way home, this big fucking sasquatch ran out in front of me. I was distracted, trying to get my blue tooth to work so I could listen to the new Pig Destroyer album at the time it walked out onto the dirt road. “BAMMMMM!!!!!” I ran right into that hairy critter!!



I sighed and thought to myself, “Well, I guess I better put the bastard out of its misery”, then I pulled my loaded .480 Ruger revolver from under my seat. I had been having a problem with these big sumbitches lately hanging around my house and getting into the tomato plants in my garden. I even suspect that they have been having intimate relations with my garden gnomes, the sick motherfuckers! I find my gnomes looking that they are covered in vanilla pudding.



So, I got out of my truck to finish off this beast. I approached the monster as it laid on its back on the road. I raised my gun, cocked the hammer, and just when I was about to pull the trigger and splatter the mangy fuck’s brain all over creation, the bigfoot opened its eyes, looked at me, and said “sup?” Recognizing this “sup” as Gen Y slang, I decided to snuff the bitch! But then the creature jumped up and said “STOP!!! STOP!!! I HATE THAT SLANG TOO. I JUST FIGURED YOU WERE ONE OF THEM SINCE YOU ARE OUT SO LATE!!!!! I lowered my gun. Squinting my eyes at the beast I said “You can speak. Why the fuck are you speaking?” It replied, “We all speak. We just hide it. But put one of those bad boys (he was pointing at my gun) to our heads and we will sing like mafucking canaries.”



When I drink heavily I sometimes execute poor judgment. What follows may be an example of this. See, not only was I soused to the gills on liquor, I of course had also been doing blow in the back with the strippers at the titty bar. So I was still amped up. I figured I would not sleep for hours. So I invited the bigfoot back to my place for breakfast and mimosas. I asked him if he needed medical attention. He said “Nah, I was just fuckin’ witcha. I was going to rip yer head off and rape yer neck hole. But then you pulled out that big fuckin’ gun.”



An hour later, me and the bigfoot were laid back in my recliners, sipping on a couple of Jack-and-Cokes, and watching porn on the tube. The big old hairy fuck looked over at me and asked “Can I ask you a question, dude?” I figured it was going to ask me to jerk it off, which caused me to put a good, firm grip on my gun, which was now in my belt. It looked like I was going to have to ice this bitch after all. However, I was quite wrong.



The bigfoot asked me “Why are Americans’ at each other’s throats right now? I mean, sure, there will be differences about things. But why not just shit down and talk it out? America is the wealthiest nation on the face of the earth. It has made strides in liberty, equality, and freedom the likes of which have NEVER been seen here on earth for the entirety of human history. It affords so many opportunities to its citizens like no other country, ever, and it does so for everybody, notwithstanding race, ethnicity, national origin, gender, or whatever. America is the greatest country in the history of the world. Yet, everyone is unhappy. Some people are even talking about insurrection. What the fuck is going on here?!?”



I got to say, this was a right good question posed by this fucking ape. I got my thoughts in order, then proceeded to explain today’s body politic the best and most thoughtful way I could. I began. “Have you ever heard of communists?” The bigfoot shook its head “no”. I continued. “See, there is 2 ways to look at people. First, you can look at people as individuals. You judge them on who they are and what they do, individually. Or, you can look at people collectively, and judge them by what group they belong to, with little to no regard to the talents and/or shortfalls possessed by each individual in the group.”



The bigfoot looked perplexed. It queried, “But, how can you NOT take individual characteristics into account when defining a person? What if, say, a person is a medical doctor? Should you not utilize that person’s gifts in the healing arts? Should he not be identified as a person of specialized skill and knowledge? That would make no fucking sense!” I nodded in agreement. I continued. “If you were a doctor in the Soviet Union under Stalin, for example, and you were not in the right party (i.e., group) or a true Slav, then old Stalin may hang your ass by the neck from a light post until you were dead.” The old sasquatch leaned back in my recliner; his eyes now big as saucers as he took in what I was saying. Shortly thereafter, it squinted its eyes and said “Motherfucker!”. I continued onward with my talk.



“See, those commie motherfuckers, they do not care who you are. Your only value to them is based on what group you are in. To them politics is all about the collective. Individualism means nothing. In fact, individualism is to be shunned. No diversity is allowed whatsoever if it conflicts with the orthodoxy. It is run down and beaten out of existence. You have a strict code by which you are forced to live regardless of whether any tenets thereof conflict with your religious beliefs or any other personal morality. In fact, in commie states, they prefer it for you to be atheist.”



The sasquatch leaned forward in the chair and said “That fucking sounds horrific, dude!!! It’s like some kind of fucked up, dystopian movie on Netflix or something.” I then broke the bad news to my new hairy friend. “It’s real, my man. It is all real. There have been commie regimes here on Earth since early in the 1900s, and they continue to exist today. They are really brutal on the individual and they will not hesitate to off people who fail to conform to the orthodoxy of the regime.” The big beast at my side just shook its head in disbelief.



Then the sasquatch asked me an interesting question. “But, maybe the purveyors of this collectivist approach just never applied it correctly. Is that possible? Maybe if someone does it right then it will result in a utopian unicorn ranch of rainbows and equity where everyone is taken care of and peace prevails.”



I immediately reared back and threw my whiskey glass at the bigfoot, smashing it on its forehead. “BASH!!!!!” The big beast stood up and yelled “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?!? YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING KILLED ME, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!”



I told the pecker head that he deserved it for being so fucking stupid. “Motherfucker!! That is fucking AOC level stupid territory you just entered into. What the fuck is wrong with YOU?!?” At the mention of the term “AOC” the bigfoot’s demeanor totally changed. He calmed down and said “I have heard of this ‘AOC’. It is said that AOC is a woman who walks on earth with no brain, as if she were a zombie shell of a person.” I replied, “Yep, and what does THAT remind you of? A person with absolutely no capacity for individualism who demands obedience to the orthodoxy?” The bigfoot gasped. With large eyes and a shell-shocked look on its face, it turned to look me in the eyes as it said “AOC is a fucking commie, isn’t she?” I replied “Bingo”, then took sip of straight Jack out of the bottle.



Over the next few minutes, we sat in silence as we watched the people on TV fucking. Periodically the bigfoot would say something itself. For example, it just plum out of the blue said “Ghastly. Absolutely fucking ghastly”. I replied, “Oh, I don’t know. If you use enough lube I can see where you can do double anal penetration without too much pain.” The sasquatch said “No, I am talking about the communism you told me about earlier. Just empty husks of human beings wandering aimlessly through life, not allowed to be who they are, just who they are told to be. I understand it now. Even the so-called “Democratic Socialist” bullshit is a lie. ANYTIME you sublimate the individual to the collective you are committing an atrocity. You are dehumanizing people, and turning them into lifeless commodities. It’s the collectivism. Whether you call it ‘socialism’, communism’ or whatever. Collectivism is pure evil.” I took another pull of the bottle of Jack and said “Bingo!”



The bigfoot then asked for my gun. I narrowed my eyes and asked what for. It said, I want to die. I want to kill myself. Then it turned it’s gaze on me and said “You. Would YOU please kill me? I no longer wish to live.” I asked what the fuck it was talking about. It said “With such evil in the world, this ‘communism’, as you call it. It is too much for me. I cannot go on knowing that people actually do this to one another. Please. Kill me.”



I then told the sorry critter about America and how our body politic recognizes inalienable God-given rights and protects them from government proscription. Our rights are vested in the individual, not the collective. A person in America is free to do whatever they want so long as it does not infringe upon the liberty of another person. As I spoke, the wise old sasquatch’s eyes grew wider and wider. The tension washed off its face, and its mouth hung open. At the end, it had a wide grin on its face.



The bigfoot said “So, we have a CHOICE?!?!?! We can either be free under the American system, or we can be communist zombies under the collectivist systems?!?!? Why in the world would anyone choose ANYTHING but the American system?!?!? THIS IS GREAT!!!!!!!



I said “Not so fast, fuck face. There are leftist sleaze out there that are trying to destroy the American constitutional republic. They want to take away individual freedom and liberty and turn America into a collectivist shit hole.” The bigfoot’s eyes narrowed and a grimace came over its face. I could tell that what I just said angered it. I nodded and continued. “Yep, you heard me right. Right now there are bunch of leftist weasels that I call ‘Neo-Marxists’ who are trying to destroy this republic. They are poisoning our society with sick, destructive, toxic ideas of transgenderism, defund the police, and black reparations.”



The big hairy bitch thought about what I had just said. Then it spoke. “What is trans-genderism?” it asked. When I told the bigfoot what it is it let out a loud, pained roar. I noticed that it had tears in its eyes as it did this. Once it calmed a bit it asked me what “defund the police means”. I told it. The beast flew into a wild rage, screaming “WHAT…THE….ACTUAL FUCKKKKKK!!!!!!! THAT WILL DESTROY SOCIETY!!!!!” Eventually it calmed down and asked me what “black reparations” are. A confused expression grew on its face. I had to explain to the beast that, no, there are no living black slaves in America today. That was over 150 years ago. Yes, blacks have legal equality, and have it for well over a half century. No, there are no slave owners alive today. Everybody is free. The white man fought a bloody war to free the slaves and went to great social and economic expense to remedy the perceived grievances arising from past slavery. The monster’s eyes glazed over.



Then I decided to have some fun with the flustered old bigfoot. I asked, “Hey big fella, want to know something else about slavery?” It slowly turned its head toward me. I continued “Not only did white man not actually sell blacks into slavery, but it was the black Africans THEMSELVES that sold their own people into slavery!!!” The bigfoot clenched its eyes shut upon hearing this. It also clenched its fists and started crying out in pain. If you have seen that old Harvey Keitel moving called “Bad Lieutenant” in which Harvey Keitel’s character is having a break down in the Catholic church and is screaming in existential pain, then you will understand what I mean when I say that this big old sasquatch was crying out in pain. It sounded just like Keitel in that movie, but with a volume that goes to 11. The poor bigfoot was having a mental breakdown right before my eyes over the stupid bullshit I was telling him.



Then, to really fuck with the bigfoot, I said “Hey, you know what? If Africans were NEVER taken from their continent and brought to America, among other destinations, then most of their descendants would not have been born. The ones who would be born would most likely die in Africa from disease and lions and crocodiles. In other words, the blacks today are actually far better off than if no slavery occurred. LOL!!!!”



This enraged the bigfoot. It screamed like an angry banshee, then ran right through my fucking living room wall and out into the wilderness surrounding my home. I could not help but laugh at the poor booger. Yeah, we are living in pretty fucked up times. But we evolved into it. This here sasquatch, however; this was all foreign to it. It made its head explode; probably drove it mad. I would not blame it one bit if it went out into the world and started ripping heads off random people. The poor fucker. It just could not handle the truth.



I fixed my wall and went back to my life of whoring and boozing. I did not see anymore bigfoot around my place. Well, that is, until one night several months later. I heard a low howl coming from outside. I had just busted a nut on the face of this Chinese doll I picked up earlier in the night. “Hang on for round 2, bitch. I’ll be right back”, I told the chick. I figured it was the revenuers poking around again. So I grabbed my old AR10 and a flash light and took off into the night to run ‘em off my property again.



Once outside I heard the howl again. My eyes narrowed. That weren’t no revenuers. After hearing it a third time I knew it was either a big old mangy motherfucking bigfoot, or one of those skeevy Dogmen shits. Either way, I was going to kill it. I stalked forward into the pitch black night.



After walking around 20 yards from my house I noticed something. My dick was getting hard again. I needed to get back to the house to fuck that China chick again. Then I heard it. The voice came from my left, out of the darkness: “Fucking commies, am I right?” I turned, and shined my light in that direction. There he was. It was the sasquatch from THAT night. The talking bigfoot who was horrified by communism. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing here? I got some tender yung sushi back in the crib I need to go eat. Make it fast. What can I do fer ya?” It spoke to me.



“I came back to thank you for giving me the red pill. Admittedly, I was not ready for it. It sent me balls deep into a spiraling existential crisis. For days I did nothing but lie in the fetal position and cry. I could not conceive of how humans with free will would choose collectivism. How they could choose a system of governance that leads to such cruelty to one another. It is horror. Pure horror. The horror of it all.” I started remembering the scenes from “Apocalypse Now” with Marlon Brando. I love that fucking movie!!



So, the bigfoot went on to tell me that it could not live in, or even near, the human world. It decided to retreat to the deep, dark recesses of the most remote wilderness it could find so that it would never have to cross paths with another human for the rest of its life. “Ya’ll are too fucking evil. Any creature that would embrace collectivism is too fucking evil for us to be around”, it said. It continued. “I shall live in the wilderness where I am free to be me. Free to be myself. Free live and do as I like.” I nodded in approval.



Before parting I asked the critter if it now understands why there is so much anger and strife in America today. “I do”, it said. “American patriots are fighting to preserve its constitutional republic from the fucking sleezy neo-Marxist revolutionaries.” I again nodded. Then the beast admonished me to fight harder. “You humans better get the fuck with it and purge these commie bastards from your ranks or they will destroy freedom and liberty the world over. THEY HATE INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM AND LIBERTY. THEY VALUE SUBSERVIENCE TO THE ORTHODOXY.” I nodded and extended my hand for it to shake, which it did.



We said our goodbyes. The beast ambled off into the woods, and I went back to my house and fucked that Chinese bitch again. I am glad that the old critter got the point. It’s kind of fucked up, though, that a hairy ape gets what’s going on in America today, but over half of the American population does not. These big, dirty, mange-ridden apes are smarter than Democrats and Democrat voters. This realization did not surprise me one bit.

 

[Baron Von Murderpaws]

Is Sasquatch a Communist?​

Ask her yourself............