God to Intercessors: Just Stop Saying "Just"

Discussion in 'Religion and Ethics' started by 5stringJeff, Jul 4, 2005.

  1. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    From The Holy Observer, a Christian Onion-like website.

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    God to Intercessors: Just Stop Saying "Just"
    Linguistic grace no longer applicable to mutually exclusive prayer requests

    For decades, God has lavished his followers with linguistic grace regarding what could be considered an epidemic in the prayer world – the use of the word "just." Usually found in a pattern similar to "God, please just [insert petition] and just [insert another petition]," the word "just" has made answering prayers a confusing and tedious process for the Almighty. In response, God declared earlier this month that Christians everywhere may no longer use the word "just" during intercessory prayer, effective immediately.

    In an AIM interview with The Holy Observer, an official from Heaven explained, "This has been a huge frustration for everyone up here. For ages our gracious Father has put up with the grouping of mutually exclusive prayer requests, on each occasion taking extra time trying to decipher what the intercessor probably wanted the most. You see, the prayer queue was getting quite backed up but it was usually manageable. That is, until last month when the queue was flooded with hundreds of millions of contradictory requests. They were like, 'Lord, just use this movie as an evangelistic tool,' 'God, just help us to grow spiritually as we watch this movie,' 'God, just let everyone understand that this movie is about Your love,' and the one God answered, 'Father, please just let this movie make box office history.'"

    That debacle last month was apparently the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It is reported that God, in His perfect frustration, echoed throughout Heaven yelling, "I can only JUST do one thing!" Thus, we have the aforementioned decree.

    http://www.holyobserver.com/detail.php?isu=v01i10&art=just
     
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  2. no1tovote4
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    no1tovote4 VIP Member

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    I just want to say, LOL!
     
  3. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    followed soon by "dear lord" and "dear God" right? :)
     
  4. no1tovote4
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    no1tovote4 VIP Member

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    Wouldn't it precede it? You know, "Dear Lord, I just want to say. LOL!"
     
  5. Gabriella84
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    Gabriella84 Guest

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    That must be an incredibly funny site.

    I believe The Onion did a satire piece once about how God would announce his return to Earth, and how he would get message across.
    I would think that God would first announce his arrival either on Nightline, or perhaps as a special guest on David Letterman. Then he would appear on Saturday Night Live, to make sure everyone knew he had a sense of humor.

    Host: "God, what will be your first act now that you have returned?"
    God: "I will smite all the losers who have claimed to seen visions of my mom on a piece of toast."
    *cue audience laughter*

    God would then go on a stadium tour to promote his book. Bread, wine and fish will be available at nominal prices.
     

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