Dirty Fingernails: The Hangover Dragon

[Abishai100]

How do you know you drank too much the night before when you wake up the next day with an unshakable hangover?

The clearest sign is dirty fingernails.

Why is it that every time you drink too much at a party or even on your own, the next day you realize you have dirty fingernails?

There must be some clear metaphysical sign/message from God (or some unnamed 'force') that drunkenness is some kind of anti-social sign of anarchy and disorganized self-consciousness and of course hygiene!

We drink because we're depressed or we're socializing/celebrating/partying or simply wanting to revel in the fortune of obtaining a large quantity of inebriating materials (maybe whiskey, maybe vodka, maybe beer).

Homeless winos in the alley wake up drunk with dirty fingernails...and so do Wall Street stockbrokers on Sunday mornings!

Dirty fingernails is the clear 'philosophical glue' that binds us together in a world that drives us apart because of priorities and ambitions and fortunes.

In other words, EVERYONE gets dirty fingernails...so it's really not that funny!


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GOD: Frat parties encourage drunkenness and idleness...
SATAN: Sorority/fraternity members wake up after a night of drinking and discover they have dirty fingernails.
GOD: Dirty fingernails are therefore a clear sign of humanity's gluttony...
SATAN: So nature itself is punishing us for undesirable behaviors.
GOD: Hygiene is the key to social networking and social networking is the key to commerce...
SATAN: You don't see actors from the film The Social Network talk about dirty fingernails.
GOD: It's an embarrassing truth that dirty fingernails remind us of neglected hygiene and drunkenness...
SATAN: Men are turned off by women who have dirty fingernails after a night of drinking.
GOD: We should encourage human beings to consider the consequences of drunkenness...
SATAN: If you go to have a manicure, you're probably not drunk or suffering from a hangover.
GOD: Maybe everyone who drinks should wear fancy gloves to remind them of the value of hygiene...
SATAN: Yes, and high-quality gloves would prevent the dirty-fingernail hangover consequence.
GOD: There's no evidence of course that dirty fingernails are related to drunkenness...
SATAN: No, only poor hygiene and neglected etiquette.
GOD: The Devil's Advocate character from the film Fight Club talks about making soap symbolically...
SATAN: Hygiene and personal-care products are a good sign of civilized interaction (not humor).

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[Abishai100]

Freddy Krueger


Here's a horror-comedy vignette about a wacko American soldier in the Vietnam War who wore metal claw-fingernails to scratch at his adversaries before and after he shot them at close range (or killed them in some otherwise normal fashion).

Aren't wacky war-stories fun?


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Kurtz hated Vietnam and despised that his infantry leader ordered his men to learn the local 'culture/couture/cuisine' of Saigon. Kurtz didn't want to speak 'Saigonese,' and he didn't want to be in Vietnam longer than necessary. He was stationed there for two years now, and the only thing that cheered him up were his special metal claw fingernails which he brought with him --- a special 'torture-device' designed for him by his metallurgy-artisan friend who simply though Kurtz wanted fancy guitar-stroking metal-nails.

Kurtz called his 'metal-claws' his 'Scratch-Sticks' (but he would suggest spelling it as 'Scratch-Styx' as in the deathly River Styx). Kurtz killed about 15 Vietnamese enemy-soldiers at close range and in hand-to-hand combat, and after he killed them (with bullets or stab wounds or by strangling them), he would scratch out their eyes with his 'Scratch-Styx.' Sometimes, Kurtz would scratch up their torsos with his 'Scratch-Styx' before he killed them (with bullets/stab-wounds/strangling). After his 'killing-spree' for the US Army ended, Kurtz was returned home with a medal. Many of Kurtz's war-pals called him Freddy Krueger (the iconic finger-claw wearing ghoul from the Nightmare on Elm Street horror-film franchise).

Four years passed, and one of Kurtz's Vietnam war-buddies (a platoon-mate named Evans) visited him on the 4th of July, only to find that his eccentric war-pal had become a drunken mess. Kurtz was sitting on the leather armchair of his small condo in Virginia playing his guitar with his 'Scratch-Styx.' Evans asked him why he valued those metal-claws so much and why he kept them after so many years, and Kurtz (in a drunken-daze) looked up at his war-pal and removed his claws and said, "To hide these dirty fingernails...which I ALWAYS get after getting drunk! Why do you get dirty fingernails EVERY TIME you drink, man?" Kurtz was a real nut.

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