Daughter's Wedding Plans

[saveliberty]

There was a wedding announcement made just before Christmas by my middle daughter. As things have progressed rapidly since, I was informed yesterday that the church of choice was probably going to be her Mom's church and not the one I go to and my daughter was confirmed in. Reason? Her future husband is more "comfortable" in the other church.

Some background is good here. My daughter's mom and I are not married any more. The future husband's family lives several hours away and apparently does not attend church. Mom is Baptist, Dad is Lutheran. Most likely I'm missing some other helpful information. Sorry.

My thoughts when asked about her plans were the following:

1. Choosing personality of a pastor as a reason for using a church outside your religion is not a valid reason. Your beliefs should not be dependent on who is in the pulpit.

2. If you are planning to switch religions, then you have a good reason.

3. If you are planning to stay Lutheran, you owe your future husband some honesty on your intentions.

 

[xotoxi]

Would you like my opinion on the situation?

Here it is:

It's her's and her husband's choice. You should sit back and accept whatever they choose without saying anything. Otherwise, you are just setting things up for disaster.

 

[Mini 14]

That she has chosen to be married in a church is enough to show that you raised her well-enough. Recognizing the significance of God in one's life is something that *can* require outside assistance (a parent, a preacher, a friend). From that point on, her relationship with God is between her and God.

But obviously, she "gets it," albeit not exactly the same way that you do. God has a plan for everyone, and it may be that her getting married in his church is something that he will use to show her something he wants her to know. Possibly her fiancée as well.

Be happy for them, and be proud that the most important tenant of your religion (that we owe it all to God) has been embraced by her, no matter what church she is standing in.

 

[masquerade]

Congratulations saveliberty! A wedding announcement is wonderful news!

Thinking back on my own wedding, my dad insisted on us saying our vows in the Catholic church I grew up in. My husband is Protestant and he was not happy with idea, but he respected the wishes of my dad and we married in the Catholic church. We thankfully missed out on the pre-cana classes, but did sit with the priest for a couple of hours chit chatting about marraige and blah blah blah. How a Catholic priest can sit there and preach to us about marraige is still mind-boggling but whatever.

Both my children were baptized Protestant. It was the deal I made at the time of my marraige. Catholic vows, Protestant children. My dad flat out refused to attend either of the batisms because they were held in a Protestant church. I was hurt and angry at the time. Now, I feel sorry for him because he missed out on two wonderful days of his grandchildrens' lives due to his religious bigotry.

 

[Mr Natural]

The choice of church should be the least of your worries.

You might have to end up paying for one of those ridiculous weddings at a catering hall with the band and th efood and the open bar and all.

And with the average marriage lasting only five years or so, you could end up making payments on the wedding long after the marriage has been dissolved.

 

[xotoxi]

Congratulations saveliberty! A wedding announcement is wonderful news!

Thinking back on my own wedding, my dad insisted on us saying our vows in the Catholic church I grew up in. My husband is Protestant and he was not happy with idea, but he respected the wishes of my dad and we married in the Catholic church. We thankfully missed out on the pre-cana classes, but did sit with the priest for a couple of hours chit chatting about marraige and blah blah blah. How a Catholic priest can sit there and preach to us about marraige is still mind-boggling but whatever.

Both my children were baptized Protestant. It was the deal I made at the time of my marraige. Catholic vows, Protestant children. My dad flat out refused to attend either of the batisms because they were held in a Protestant church. I was hurt and angry at the time. Now, I feel sorry for him because he missed out on two wonderful days of his grandchildrens' lives due to his religious bigotry.

That Catholic/Protestant thing sounds like my mother's uncle, who disowned his daughter for marrying a filthy Protestant dog.

People can be really ridiculous.

 

[goldcatt]

Congrats, saveliberty!

Sounds like if she's getting married she's all grown up and able to make her own decisions about where she takes her vows. Better to accept her and her future husband's decision without comment than start out your relationship with them as a married couple as an obnoxious interfering in-law, my dear.

The future payoff in your relationship will be more than worth the effort of letting it go.

 

[Zoom-boing]

My mom is Catholic . . .no wait, she's Roman Catholic (capital R, capital C) and my dad is Protestant. We were all raised Catholic. When I was little I thought anyone who was Catholic was a Protestant. lol My dad's religion? He washed the car on Sundays. heh

SL, is your daughter planning on leaving the religion she was raised in and practicing a new one? If she is doing it just to appease the fiance . . . . .hmmmm. Why isn't he comfortable in your church/religion? Is his religion is very different from yours (say, Jewish)? But if not? Again, hmmmm . . . . .

I agree with all three of your statements. And you're right, more info is needed.

 

[Skull Pilot]

Tell them to elope, get married bare foot on a beach in Fiji and then spend the money they would have wasted on a reception and all that other crap and take a month long honeymoon.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

It is not the minister that counts here.
It is the man she chose to marry.
If he is a good young man, seems to be well rounded and makes your daughter happy - count your blessings.
Would it be better that she marry within the church to an asshole?

 

[Mini 14]

Congratulations saveliberty! A wedding announcement is wonderful news!

Thinking back on my own wedding, my dad insisted on us saying our vows in the Catholic church I grew up in. My husband is Protestant and he was not happy with idea, but he respected the wishes of my dad and we married in the Catholic church. We thankfully missed out on the pre-cana classes, but did sit with the priest for a couple of hours chit chatting about marraige and blah blah blah. How a Catholic priest can sit there and preach to us about marraige is still mind-boggling but whatever.

Both my children were baptized Protestant. It was the deal I made at the time of my marraige. Catholic vows, Protestant children. My dad flat out refused to attend either of the batisms because they were held in a Protestant church. I was hurt and angry at the time. Now, I feel sorry for him because he missed out on two wonderful days of his grandchildrens' lives due to his religious bigotry.

That Catholic/Protestant thing sounds like my mother's uncle, who disowned his daughter for marrying a filthy Protestant dog.

People can be really ridiculous.

I did that (Protestant who married a girl in the Catholic cathedral). I had to take a vow that I would raise our children in the Catholic church. Thank God we didn't have any kids (not because of the Catholic faith, but because it would have meant I'd still be talking to her today)

A year or so after we divorced, she wanted to marry the guy she was cheating on me with - in the same Catholic church. Her priest called me wanting some kind of "annulment" that the Catholic church requires. I told him that God and I both knew he married us, and that we were both ok with my mistake, we had moved on, she should too. He wasn't happy with me, but I reminded him I was a Methodist, and that I talk DIRECTLY to God and I assured him God understood.

Don't know how she got around that annulment thing, but she married the guy anyway, then cheated on him too.

Looking back, none of it mattered. It actually brought me closer to God and made me a stronger man.

And she's going to hell anyway

 

[Big Black Dog]

It's their day and their wedding. They get to call all the shots. Sit back and enjoy. At least they are getting married and not just moving in together.

 

[Zoom-boing]

Congratulations saveliberty! A wedding announcement is wonderful news!

Thinking back on my own wedding, my dad insisted on us saying our vows in the Catholic church I grew up in. My husband is Protestant and he was not happy with idea, but he respected the wishes of my dad and we married in the Catholic church. We thankfully missed out on the pre-cana classes, but did sit with the priest for a couple of hours chit chatting about marraige and blah blah blah. How a Catholic priest can sit there and preach to us about marraige is still mind-boggling but whatever.

Both my children were baptized Protestant. It was the deal I made at the time of my marraige. Catholic vows, Protestant children. My dad flat out refused to attend either of the batisms because they were held in a Protestant church. I was hurt and angry at the time. Now, I feel sorry for him because he missed out on two wonderful days of his grandchildrens' lives due to his religious bigotry.

That Catholic/Protestant thing sounds like my mother's uncle, who disowned his daughter for marrying a filthy Protestant dog.

People can be really ridiculous.

I did that (Protestant who married a girl in the Catholic cathedral). I had to take a vow that I would raise our children in the Catholic church. Thank God we didn't have any kids (not because of the Catholic faith, but because it would have meant I'd still be talking to her today)

A year or so after we divorced, she wanted to marry the guy she was cheating on me with - in the same Catholic church. Her priest called me wanting some kind of "annulment" that the Catholic church requires. I told him that God and I both knew he married us, and that we were both ok with my mistake, we had moved on, she should too. He wasn't happy with me, but I reminded him I was a Methodist, and that I talk DIRECTLY to God and I assured him God understood.

Don't know how she got around that annulment thing, but she married the guy anyway, then cheated on him too.

Looking back, none of it mattered. It actually brought me closer to God and made me a stronger man.

And she's going to hell anyway

My oldest brother is on wife number 3. This one is sticking.

His first wife and he were married in the Catholic church. The marriage lasted 7 years, then they got divorced. And they got it annulled. I don't quite understand how, after 7 years of marriage, they can say it never happened . . . .

 

[Mini 14]

My oldest brother is on wife number 3. This one is sticking.

His first wife and he were married in the Catholic church. The marriage lasted 7 years, then they got divorced. And they got it annulled. I don't quite understand how, after 7 years of marriage, they can say it never happened . . . .

Its some formality in the Catholic church, I still don't understand it (maybe a Catholic can explain it to us?)

As I understood it, she had to have our's "annulled" before she could get married in the Catholic church again.

I told her priest "It happened! I don't care what you, she, OR the Catholic Church says. It happened!"

He wasn't happy with me, I wouldn't relent, and I basically told him to take it up with Jesus.

 

[saveliberty]

I think many marriages break apart today due to a lack of honesty in relationships and parents expressing honest opinions when asked.

This young man has not established himself in any religion. My daughter appears to be tiptoeing around feelings instead of resolving an issue of religion. I only suggested dealing with those things now. BEFORE getting married and finding she didn't get what she thought.

I am not demanding a Lutheran church wedding. I am asking to be true to whatever her faith is at this point. If Lutheran, have a Lutheran wedding. If it is something else, go that route.

A faith should be unshakeable by pastor, spouse or crisis. Or dad for that matter.

 

[Foxfyre]

I think many marriages break apart today due to a lack of honesty in relationships and parents expressing honest opinions when asked.

This young man has not established himself in any religion. My daughter appears to be tiptoeing around feelings instead of resolving an issue of religion. I only suggested dealing with those things now. BEFORE getting married and finding she didn't get what she thought.

I am not demanding a Lutheran church wedding. I am asking to be true to whatever her faith is at this point. If Lutheran, have a Lutheran wedding. If it is something else, go that route.

A faith should be unshakeable by pastor, spouse or crisis. Or dad for that matter.

Friend #4 is an avowed Atheist and married a sort-of believer who didn't really care. They have lived apparently happily for decades now without acknowledgment of any religion or religious beliefs. (They are the type who are truly non religious however and aren't in the least bothered by those who are religious.)

Relative #3 was raised in a Christian home but opted for a paganish wedding amidst nature sans any prayers or references to any sort of deity. That marriage is being dissolved in its sixth year as we speak.

Relative #2 was raised in a Protestant home and took instructions in the Catholic faith so that he could be married in his wife's Catholic church by a Catholic priest. Lavish wedding costing many MANY thousands. That marriage dissolved in its fourth year.

Relative #1 was raised in a Methodist home and eloped with her Catholic husband and were married in a private civil ceremony. Later to appease her anti-Catholic Methodist parents they were married in the Methodist Church. And to appease his anti-Protestant Catholic parents they were married once again in the Catholic Church. They raised their five kids as Catholics though all but one are now Protestant. They were still married 51 years later when he died.

Hubby and I grew up in different denominations and chose a third different denomination as a compromise for our differing traditions. Neither family was happy about that but accepted it and went along with it. We've been married a very long time now and have never regretted that decision.

Moral of story. Ultimately every person has to search their own heart and decide what is right for them to do. I appreciate your concerns more than you probably realize, but your daughter is either mature enough to be married and make her own decisions or she isn't. If she is, she'll work it out. If she isn't, no amount of wise counsel from Daddy is likely to produce a totally satisfactory outcome.

I would ask her to search her heart and know that what she is doing is how she sees herself spending the rest of her life. Then let her go. It's all we can do when they're ready to fly.

 

[saveliberty]

Kiddo knows it is her choice to make. She also knows Dad will respect a decision made in truth and fact.

As a side, The future son-in-law did call me first to ask my permission. I told him he and my daughter needed to make sure they did what was going to make them happy in life. Career, home, geography and all other aspects of their lives, then it needed to not cause problems for the other person.

 

[xotoxi]

Hubby and I grew up in different denominations and chose a third different denomination as a compromise for our differing traditions.

Lemme guess...

You're Christian and he's muslim, so you got married in a synagog?

 

[High_Gravity]

Shariah Muslim wedding, anyone?

 

[Mr. H.]

Wife and I were married under the persimmon tree in the backyard by a Justice O' the Peace.
I baptised our daughter in the kitchen sink. That night, I took her outside and held her above my head and said "behold the only thing greater than yourself".

We're happy and I doubt any of us are going to hell.

Congrats, dad. It's a proud moment any way you slice it.