Company Policy

Discussion in 'Humor' started by amir, Apr 26, 2012.

  1. amir
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    amir BANNED

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    EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:



    Company Policy:



    Effective: MAY 2012



    Dress Code



    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your

    salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we

    assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.



    If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so

    that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.



    If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

    therefore you do not need a raise.



    Sick Days



    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If

    you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



    Personal Days



    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

    "Saturday & Sunday".



    Bereavement Leave



    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead

    friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have

    non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

    involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

    afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour

    and subsequently leave one hour early.



    Toilet Use



    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a

    strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three

    minutes, an alarm will sound; the toilet paper roll will retract, the

    stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second

    offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

    the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture

    will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.



    Lunch Break



    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so

    that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch

    to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people

    get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a

    Slim-Fast.



    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,

    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,

    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation

    and input should be directed elsewhere.
     
  2. uscitizen
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    uscitizen Senior Member

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    We have an open door policy. The door is always open for you to leave.
     

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