Chili cook-off

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Trigg, Oct 11, 2006.

  1. Trigg
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    Trigg Active Member

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    This is for all you Texans



    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
    for you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is an actual account
    as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
    For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
    They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
    around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
    City Park.

    Judge ..3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting from Springfield, IL.*

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
    be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
    during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."


    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge . 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


    CHILI .. 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.



    CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
    Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
    now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced
    from all of the beer.



    CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
    or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
    maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
    woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
    Is chili an aphrodisiac?



    CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
    needed paramedics The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
    by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
    my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
    stop screaming. Screw them.



    CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.

    Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb

    Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
    will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
    with a snow cone.



    CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.

    Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
    4-inch hole in my stomach



    CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge . 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
    Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    reacted to really hot chili?

    Judge .. 3 - No Report
     
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