Casting Call: "One Day in Cyberspace..."

Discussion in 'Political Satire' started by emilynghiem, Apr 25, 2013.

  1. emilynghiem
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    emilynghiem Constitutionalist / Universalist Supporting Member

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    Hey USMB, I need your help to cast the Characters in this sketch!

    Please name your favorite nominees YOU think are perfect for these parts:

    ========================================
    “One Day in Cyberspace”

    A few clicks away,
    In a forum thread not too far from here,
    An intelligent discussion took place…


    White Racist Teafag: I hope we smash the Muslim MF who did this!

    Random Libtard: Who’s WE? You’re the enemy dividing this nation with your racist bullcrap!
    I hope and pray -- I mean, think and meditate -- it’s some disgruntled taxpaying Obama-hater just to prove you’re wrong and he’s right for once. About who our enemy really is!

    Passive-Aggressive Libertarian: What? To justify more drones, and take away more guns? Really?

    Unidentified Independent: If anything, this PROVES guns are not the problem. That bill was toast after this hit the media!

    Conspiracy Theorist: You’re all deluded by media cover-up. Can’t you see big government is the real bogeyman behind these false flags, controlled by corporate hands playing us like puppets?

    Lost Visitor: Excuse me, Gentlemen. Is this the Library?

    Group: What are you talking about? What Library? What Gentlemen?

    Independent: Who reads books anymore? We get all our information online. That’s why we’re meeting here, to project our biased perceptions back and forth and create our own reality. Why are you here?

    Visitor: I’m donating these books on spiritual healing. To promote medical research for mental health reform by curing criminal illness. So billions wasted on failed prisons can be re-invested in medical programs, health care and education per State, instead of fighting over federal mandates and taxes.

    Independent: So YOU’RE that crackhead “Forgiveness Freak” who keeps rambling on about conflict resolution and restorative justice! The weirdo Dante called a “special troll” – that’s YOU isn’t it?

    Drifter: Hey, be nice to my special friend! She can’t help that she’s from another planet and talks funny.

    Anonymous Poster: All your base belong to us!?! ;-P

    Independent: Be polite fuckwad! So who do YOU think is behind this? Which theory do YOU want to be right?

    Conspiracy Theorist: Watch it, she’s gonna start blaming us men for all the crime and war in the world. And for patriarchal politics we invented to bully each other and blame it on race, religion and party!

    Visitor: Actually, I’m hoping the kids are right on this one. About achieving peace by agreeing to stop hurting each other. I’m voting for everyone to stop and listen to what they are really saying and asking.

    Random Lib: Be honest. Who do you think is responsible? A domestic terrorist or foreign Jihadist?

    Visitor: Whoever it is, I just hope the people responsible are touched by the message put out by the children asking for Peace. And come to terms with misdirected anger injuring the very people who want most to reach out and help others like them who are suffering. I ask everyone to pray for those people to ask forgiveness and help to take full responsibility for their wrongful acts, not blame it on others …

    Rightwing Conservative Enemy of the State: OMG! What planet did you say you’re from?

    Visitor: … And we all agree to work together on restitution that helps the people affected and heals the wounded, and prevents worse political violence in the future. That is what I’d like to see come from this, for the sake of our children. Instead of angry rhetoric and projected blame that doesn’t solve problems.

    Libertarian: What kind of crack are you on? Maybe all drugs SHOULD be banned, I was so wrong!

    Random Lib: No way, we should distribute it freely! If I could stay high like her for just 30 seconds. Man! I could solve all the world’s problems overnight. Can you hook me up with your dealer?

    Conservative: Y’know, guys. I’m just going to lie down on the floor before I fall out of my chair.

    Random Lib: Don’t hit your fat head on your way down. And no peeking at my ass, you Tea Party Faggot.

    Conservative: STFU! I need an aspirin, not your gay-marriage ass in my face!

    Drifter: I’m not sure I’m ready to hear what your ideas are for restitution for something like this.

    Dante: Should we start a new thread? Or a whole new section for this under the “Twilight Zone”?

    Visitor: I’ll save that for another day. Here are some books to get started. The more we understand how spiritual healing works, there is no conflict between natural laws of science and faith-based teachings about forgiveness, so people can solve their own problems and don’t need to be preached at.

    Independent: Thank you, Jesus! If there is a God, please make her leave! Please!

    Visitor: In honor of our kids who deserve better, I’d like to invite all groups to organize a Peace and Justice network under a “Justice” branch (focusing on rule of law to stop abuses) and a “Peace” branch (focusing on diversity and inclusion), where I’d like to dedicate a national campaign to all the kids asking for Peace, and adults asking for Justice, to stop political bullying if we’re going to teach that it’s wrong.

    Random Lib: Hey are you okay down there? Are you listening to this crap? How are we going to organize a Constitutional convention of political parties if you can’t even sit through ONE discussion like a man?

    Conservative: I’m praying and listening to God. If this is going to take Jesus coming, I want to be ready.

    Visitor: Yes, organizing teams online to address the meaning of Jesus as “universal salvation” and as “equal justice” will help prove a consensus on God, and a consensus on Law and government. By focusing on “forgiveness” as the key factor in reconciliation between people from different groups, regardless of party or religious affiliation, we can quit blaming each other for the wrong things. Since proving these correlating patterns repeat across all populations globally, requires tracking statistics on a database, I’d like to dedicate this as an academic project to the Chinese student in math and statistics…

    Independent: I guess there is no God, if she’s still talking. What cruel God would punish us this way?

    Dante: Yeah, and include all your research on “spiritual healing” to stop false medical practices in China based on cultural superstitions. Which will save endangered Asian Bears and Pangolins destroyed for their magical healing powers. I saw where you posted this same garbage on other threads and forums!

    Libertarian: Don’t forget the tripped out idea, about minting labor-backed currency against the debts owed to taxpayers and to China? Using microloans to create jobs saving endangered historic and environmental landmarks across America. While building campuses to convert sweatshop and slave labor into work-study programs to end problems with illegal immigration, trafficking, and other crimes.

    Independent: Now you’re BOTH smoking the same crack! Where are getting this stuff?

    Visitor: These ideas came from different parties, too busy bashing each other to listen. The solutions come from combining their best ideas together.
    Independent: Not that, I mean the drugs you’re whacked out on! Geez!

    Conspiracy Theorist: What kind of books are these?

    Conservative, gets up: The kind where you turn the pages and read from left to right, you idiot.

    Conspiracy Theorist: I mean, if spiritual healing is free, and can cure diseases from cancer to mental illness, then political bureaucracy just enables prisons and big pharm to profit off crime and sickness?

    Visitor: There’s more to it than that. There’s still division among Christian denominations over the practice of spiritual healing, in addition to theists and nontheists falsely divided over faith and science, creation and evolution, when there is no need for conflict between secular laws and spiritual laws.

    Drifter: Good luck mediating all that!

    Independent: I can’t even read this garbage!

    Conservative, reaches over: Here, you hold it like this, and flip the pages that way.

    Independent: I mean, these are written by Christians so everything they’re saying is biased.

    Visitor: If you don’t believe the studies, go replicate your own. That’s all I’m asking help for scientists and doctors to do. To show the natural process of forgiveness and healing is universal for all people.

    Conspiracy Theorist: So you really believe all this forgiveness and spiritual healing is going to create a global circle of people “singing Kumbaya” and then bringing terrorists and communists to join in?

    Random Lib: Or White Racist Tea Fags!

    Conspiracy Theorist: Stop the name-calling, you Libtard! I wasn’t typing to you!

    Visitor: We can’t control what other people do, just what we do with our words and our resources. So I hope you enjoy the books and make the most of each other’s company. Out of respect for the intellectual freedom and free speech we take for granted, that so many people have struggled and sacrificed for. Good day, Gentlemen!

    Independent: WTFFFF??? Who the fuck calls anyone “Gentlemen” anymore?

    Conspiracy Theorist: Shut up, asswipe. Can’t you be civilized?

    Conservative: You all need to watch your fucking language. Hypocrites from hell!
    __________________
     
  2. Oldguy
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    Oldguy Senior Member

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    Dang it. I just knew I'd find a leading part for myself. But, I see there's no rational, intelligent, sane, calm, dispassionate, humble and good looking character.

    Dang it.
     
  3. emilynghiem
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    emilynghiem Constitutionalist / Universalist Supporting Member

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    Ha ha your one comment was funnier than my whole skit.
    I KNEW there was a punchline in there somewhere.
    Thanks for providing it!!
     
  4. Oldguy
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    Oldguy Senior Member

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    You're welcome!
     

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