- Sep 22, 2013
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Here's a blood diamond heist parody story, inspired by my love of irony-tales representing modern paranoia about the dangerous trafficking of undesirable treasures. Thanks for reading. Anyone a fan of the dizzying Pirates of the Caribbean (Johnny Depp) series? Enjoy,
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This is the story of Euclid, an Algerian-American student at UCLA (University of California-Los Angeles). Euclid was recruited by the touted UCLA Bruins to help the NCAA men's basketball team defeat its rivals Duke University in 2010. Euclid was a prolific shooting-guard who also could rotate nicely and flexibly into the shooting-guard position. Euclid was originally from Michigan, but he moved to California with his girlfriend Elena and his single mother Danica to attend UCLA and play for the Bruins in 2010. This sounds like an average feel-good American Dream story, but it isn't. UCLA is about to see some intrigue!
EUCLID: I just want to play basketball, as nerdy as that may sound.
ELENA: I'm happy to move to Michigan with my boyfriend Euclid and his mother Danica, because California is...cool!
The UCLA Bruins got off to a hot start, thanks to the awesome offense management of the intelligent guard Euclid. He helped orchestrate a potent team-zone offense, utilizing the Bruins' agile power-forward and shooting-forward to help them shoot up to the top of their conference. The Bruins saw the best start in many years, and Euclid was set to become the player of the year, providing his team the necessary offense and defense mindset and leadership and coached diligence to make the team simply more energetic.
However, Euclid has a real dark side. Basketball isn't his only life. It's not his only passion. No, Euclid isn't a murderer or a rapist or a drug dealer. However, Euclid is a very skillful bank robber. He's already planned to rob the Bank of America near the UCLA campus which holds a safe-box owned by a corrupt Saudi businessman named Fahd who stores blood diamonds from South Africa there. Euclid loves Bruins basketball, and he may be the player-of-the-year, but he's planning now to steal Fahd's blood diamonds as his special extra-curricular achievement. You see now that Euclid is not a normal American Dream story. Euclid is a genius, but he's obviously also deformed!
EUCLID: The Bank of America keeps that nefarious safe-box of Fahd holding those illegal blood diamonds from South Africa.
Euclid walked into the Bank of America building in LA one Friday afternoon, clothed as a bike-riding circus performer visiting the city and seeking to store some circus team gems and jewelry in the safe-box room. He informed the bank rep that he was an entertainment industry associate of Fahd and wished to look at his diamonds for some photos he'd share with Fahd. When the bank rep asked for evidence of this association with Fahd, Euclid showed him his circus-bag of water-guns and a photo of Fahd playing with water-guns in the streets, claiming it was some media toy campaign involving some jewelry. The bank rep and an escorting guard took Euclid inside the safe-box of the very handsome and immaculate California bank that afternoon.
Once inside the bank safe-box room, Euclid started taking photos of the diamonds belonging to Fahd for his circus-team media campaign as he explained. Then, he suddenly whipped out one of the water-guns in his bag and revealed to the bank rep and the escorting guard that the toy gun was filled with corrosive acid!
BANK REP: We think this masked bandit was either an adversary of Fahd or a government operative investigating blood diamonds!
Euclid walked out of the Bank of America that afternoon with $20 million worth of Fahd's corrupt blood diamonds from South Africa. He then traded the evil gems in the black market in Compton and deposited the acquired money in his newly-opened private Swiss account, which he now shared with his girlfriend Elena and his mother Danica. This was a very unusual heist, but it was linked suddenly to modern North American blood diamond treasury traffic, which the FBI was investigating anyway. Euclid ironically performed an incidentally strange but vigilante-like operation against undesirable blood diamond traffic in the USA.
FBI: We don't know who the masked diamond thief is, but his infiltration into Fahd's blood diamonds has created a trail to Fahd.
While the FBI wasn't certainly ready to congratulate or even thank the eccentric genius Euclid for his incidental public service in transporting blood diamonds belonging to Fahd which created a paper-trail of blood diamond traffic all over North America, the FBI certainly wasn't going to spend as much time or energy investigating who the thief was as much as they'd investigate Fahd's links to the underground diamond-money trading highways stretching from North America to South Africa to Europe. Meanwhile, Euclid, our gifted guard for the UCLA Bruins men's college basketball team, prepared for a televised anticipated game with its main rival, the touted Duke Blue Devils!
EUCLID: Everyone's cheering for Duke, since they brought this whole entourage with them, but our fans were ready for spirits!
As Bank of America completely revised its security protocols regarding the storage of diamonds by wealthy investors, Euclid was busy planning his retirement from bank robbery with his now choreographed dream career in basketball. He decided not to go to the NBA and simply pursue a shining college basketball career. He never looked back on the hideous blood diamond highway again, and maybe that's the real positive side to this otherwise deformed American Dream story. What do you think?
Euclid purchased a black Porsche with some of his diamond money and gifted it to his girlfriend and mother, and the FBI simply forgot about him. Euclid wrote in his diary, "After we defeated Duke, I thought about the nature of treasure in the modern world, and how the American Dream has perhaps somehow become irrefutably sullied by the black mask of modern black markets, but maybe that's none of my business anymore, because I'm just a 'snake-eyes' now of diamond prayers."
Now, Euclid's story is not a tale of the value of stealing blood diamonds in North America sullying the gem and jewelry market. It is however a sad story of how modern genius can be transformed for the service of inventive crime reinvention. Would the FBI simply forget about the strange boy Euclid, simply because blood diamonds had become a symbol of the Great Depression? What do you think?
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
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This is the story of Euclid, an Algerian-American student at UCLA (University of California-Los Angeles). Euclid was recruited by the touted UCLA Bruins to help the NCAA men's basketball team defeat its rivals Duke University in 2010. Euclid was a prolific shooting-guard who also could rotate nicely and flexibly into the shooting-guard position. Euclid was originally from Michigan, but he moved to California with his girlfriend Elena and his single mother Danica to attend UCLA and play for the Bruins in 2010. This sounds like an average feel-good American Dream story, but it isn't. UCLA is about to see some intrigue!
EUCLID: I just want to play basketball, as nerdy as that may sound.
ELENA: I'm happy to move to Michigan with my boyfriend Euclid and his mother Danica, because California is...cool!
The UCLA Bruins got off to a hot start, thanks to the awesome offense management of the intelligent guard Euclid. He helped orchestrate a potent team-zone offense, utilizing the Bruins' agile power-forward and shooting-forward to help them shoot up to the top of their conference. The Bruins saw the best start in many years, and Euclid was set to become the player of the year, providing his team the necessary offense and defense mindset and leadership and coached diligence to make the team simply more energetic.
However, Euclid has a real dark side. Basketball isn't his only life. It's not his only passion. No, Euclid isn't a murderer or a rapist or a drug dealer. However, Euclid is a very skillful bank robber. He's already planned to rob the Bank of America near the UCLA campus which holds a safe-box owned by a corrupt Saudi businessman named Fahd who stores blood diamonds from South Africa there. Euclid loves Bruins basketball, and he may be the player-of-the-year, but he's planning now to steal Fahd's blood diamonds as his special extra-curricular achievement. You see now that Euclid is not a normal American Dream story. Euclid is a genius, but he's obviously also deformed!
EUCLID: The Bank of America keeps that nefarious safe-box of Fahd holding those illegal blood diamonds from South Africa.
Euclid walked into the Bank of America building in LA one Friday afternoon, clothed as a bike-riding circus performer visiting the city and seeking to store some circus team gems and jewelry in the safe-box room. He informed the bank rep that he was an entertainment industry associate of Fahd and wished to look at his diamonds for some photos he'd share with Fahd. When the bank rep asked for evidence of this association with Fahd, Euclid showed him his circus-bag of water-guns and a photo of Fahd playing with water-guns in the streets, claiming it was some media toy campaign involving some jewelry. The bank rep and an escorting guard took Euclid inside the safe-box of the very handsome and immaculate California bank that afternoon.
Once inside the bank safe-box room, Euclid started taking photos of the diamonds belonging to Fahd for his circus-team media campaign as he explained. Then, he suddenly whipped out one of the water-guns in his bag and revealed to the bank rep and the escorting guard that the toy gun was filled with corrosive acid!
BANK REP: We think this masked bandit was either an adversary of Fahd or a government operative investigating blood diamonds!
Euclid walked out of the Bank of America that afternoon with $20 million worth of Fahd's corrupt blood diamonds from South Africa. He then traded the evil gems in the black market in Compton and deposited the acquired money in his newly-opened private Swiss account, which he now shared with his girlfriend Elena and his mother Danica. This was a very unusual heist, but it was linked suddenly to modern North American blood diamond treasury traffic, which the FBI was investigating anyway. Euclid ironically performed an incidentally strange but vigilante-like operation against undesirable blood diamond traffic in the USA.
FBI: We don't know who the masked diamond thief is, but his infiltration into Fahd's blood diamonds has created a trail to Fahd.
While the FBI wasn't certainly ready to congratulate or even thank the eccentric genius Euclid for his incidental public service in transporting blood diamonds belonging to Fahd which created a paper-trail of blood diamond traffic all over North America, the FBI certainly wasn't going to spend as much time or energy investigating who the thief was as much as they'd investigate Fahd's links to the underground diamond-money trading highways stretching from North America to South Africa to Europe. Meanwhile, Euclid, our gifted guard for the UCLA Bruins men's college basketball team, prepared for a televised anticipated game with its main rival, the touted Duke Blue Devils!
EUCLID: Everyone's cheering for Duke, since they brought this whole entourage with them, but our fans were ready for spirits!
As Bank of America completely revised its security protocols regarding the storage of diamonds by wealthy investors, Euclid was busy planning his retirement from bank robbery with his now choreographed dream career in basketball. He decided not to go to the NBA and simply pursue a shining college basketball career. He never looked back on the hideous blood diamond highway again, and maybe that's the real positive side to this otherwise deformed American Dream story. What do you think?
Euclid purchased a black Porsche with some of his diamond money and gifted it to his girlfriend and mother, and the FBI simply forgot about him. Euclid wrote in his diary, "After we defeated Duke, I thought about the nature of treasure in the modern world, and how the American Dream has perhaps somehow become irrefutably sullied by the black mask of modern black markets, but maybe that's none of my business anymore, because I'm just a 'snake-eyes' now of diamond prayers."
Now, Euclid's story is not a tale of the value of stealing blood diamonds in North America sullying the gem and jewelry market. It is however a sad story of how modern genius can be transformed for the service of inventive crime reinvention. Would the FBI simply forget about the strange boy Euclid, simply because blood diamonds had become a symbol of the Great Depression? What do you think?
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
