Anything Goes Humor

[Hellbilly]

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[Hellbilly]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Hellbilly]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Hellbilly]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Auld Phart]

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

 

[Manonthestreet]

 

[Hossfly]

 

[the other mike]

Who doesn't need a Glick fix now
and then ?

 

[Hossfly]

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.

He makes friends with the tribe’s chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.

One day the chief’s wife gives birth to a white child.

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you are the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”The professor replied, “No, chief, you’re mistaken.

What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!

Look at that field over there.

All the sheep are white except for one black one.

Nature does this on occasion.

“The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what.


You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about the white kid.”

 

[the other mike]

There are adults in the United States in the twenty first century who still believe the Sun revolves around the Earth. And that would be funny except it's true.

 

[the other mike]

 

[the other mike]

 

[Hossfly]

 

[JustAnotherNut]

 

[JustAnotherNut]

 

[JustAnotherNut]

 

[JustAnotherNut]

and for some reason the copy paste function wouldn't work, so here goes...…….


If ya'll see me dragging my butt across the yard
Mind your own damn business
It was YOU who bought all the TP.....

 

[ABikerSailor]

View attachment 312226

and for some reason the copy paste function wouldn't work, so here goes...…….


If ya'll see me dragging my butt across the yard
Mind your own damn business
It was YOU who bought all the TP.....

You know, that is one thing I don't really understand. Why in the hell are people stockpiling and hoarding toilet paper? This virus doesn't give you the squirts, so your toilet paper use will be pretty much the same whether you have the virus or not. The only way it might increase is if you have bad sniffles, but most people use Kleenex for that.

 

[bluzman61]

Here's a fun riddle to lighten up the mood - Q : Why did Wilbur Post's wife leave him for Mr. Ed? A : Because Mr. Ed was hung like a horse, of course!

 

[Hossfly]

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...



I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many dear are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'




IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'





The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....



When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....