This is actually from an Op-Ed but damn funny ----
RUMP'S ADDRESS TO CONGRESS (*once he's eliminated all media):
>> Thank you for that applause, which was the longest, loudest and most enthusiastic applause any president has ever received from Congress — period. It is probably the most applause that anybody has ever received anywhere.
As you know, I won the largest electoral college victory in history, even though 11 million illegal immigrants in this country voted illegally for my opponent — some of them twice. Even some of the dead people who voted for Hillary now regret their vote and say they should have voted for me. One of them is seated in the gallery tonight with Melania, and more and more people are recognizing him lately. Ladies and gentlemen, please recognize Frederick Douglass.
My fellow Americans, I inherited a mess. I heard this statistic: Ninety percent of Americans were starving. School bathrooms were jammed with transgender students. Ceiling tiles were falling from tunnels and killing people. Almost everybody in Chicago had been murdered. We had been attacked by terrorists 78 times and the media didn’t report it. Each month, millions of jobs were shipped overseas, where American workers were murdered and tortured by ISIS.
... Internationally, ISIS has been defeated, Mexico has paid for the wall in advance, China has abolished its currency, and Australia has apologized for treating us so badly. Our military action in Yemen was a huge success. The incident in Sweden is finally under control.
Here at home, crime has stopped, and there are no more drugs. Calm has returned to Bowling Green. Thousands of Muslims in New Jersey cheered when I issued my travel ban. We have replaced Obamacare with something much better that costs nothing. Vanity Fair has given the Trump Grill in Trump Tower 5 stars, and a major retailer has been rebranded “Nordstrom by Ivanka Trump.” My support is 98 percent in a Rasmussen poll.
My budget has a huge tax cut and the largest military expansion and infrastructure spending program in history. It also protects Medicare and Social Security, eliminates the federal debt and buys every American a pony. << --- Dana Milbank
RUMP'S ADDRESS TO CONGRESS (*once he's eliminated all media):
>> Thank you for that applause, which was the longest, loudest and most enthusiastic applause any president has ever received from Congress — period. It is probably the most applause that anybody has ever received anywhere.
As you know, I won the largest electoral college victory in history, even though 11 million illegal immigrants in this country voted illegally for my opponent — some of them twice. Even some of the dead people who voted for Hillary now regret their vote and say they should have voted for me. One of them is seated in the gallery tonight with Melania, and more and more people are recognizing him lately. Ladies and gentlemen, please recognize Frederick Douglass.
My fellow Americans, I inherited a mess. I heard this statistic: Ninety percent of Americans were starving. School bathrooms were jammed with transgender students. Ceiling tiles were falling from tunnels and killing people. Almost everybody in Chicago had been murdered. We had been attacked by terrorists 78 times and the media didn’t report it. Each month, millions of jobs were shipped overseas, where American workers were murdered and tortured by ISIS.
... Internationally, ISIS has been defeated, Mexico has paid for the wall in advance, China has abolished its currency, and Australia has apologized for treating us so badly. Our military action in Yemen was a huge success. The incident in Sweden is finally under control.
Here at home, crime has stopped, and there are no more drugs. Calm has returned to Bowling Green. Thousands of Muslims in New Jersey cheered when I issued my travel ban. We have replaced Obamacare with something much better that costs nothing. Vanity Fair has given the Trump Grill in Trump Tower 5 stars, and a major retailer has been rebranded “Nordstrom by Ivanka Trump.” My support is 98 percent in a Rasmussen poll.
My budget has a huge tax cut and the largest military expansion and infrastructure spending program in history. It also protects Medicare and Social Security, eliminates the federal debt and buys every American a pony. << --- Dana Milbank
