Permissive Parenting and Missing Children?

[Bonnie]

With all the young children being stolen from their parents, and not being a parent myself yet, I can't help but wonder do parents who let their kids roam all over the neighborhood unattended take some of the responsiblility in this?? Im not referring to kids who are taken from their homes, obviously.

I understand one of the latest girls missing (presumed kidnapped) was 14 years old and had both her tongue and naval pierced.

Are parents too permissive with their children these days, and if so why are they???

 

[Annie]

With all the young children being stolen from their parents, and not being a parent myself yet, I can't help but wonder do parents who let their kids roam all over the neighborhood unattended take some of the responsiblility in this?? Im not referring to kids who are taken from their homes, obviously.

I understand one of the latest girls missing (presumed kidnapped) was 14 years old and had both her tongue and naval pierced.

Are parents too permissive with their children these days, and if so why are they???

Bonnie, you are mixing subjects in my opinion. Children are statistically 'stolen' no more often, from relatives or strangers, than in the 1950's. Today's difference is, actually since the 1980's, is media attention to the problem. The recovery rate is also similar.

Are parents too permissive? Yes, for some, in the sense of wanting small children to appear more sophisticated than their years. It's dress, but also 'knowledge.' You have 2nd and 3rd graders that can explain sex and reproduction in a clinical sense, but are clueless to what emotions and repercussions are. (In dress and sex it's beyond the children's ability to synthesize, much less, relate.)

So why do parents want this? I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons. Some would say to prepare their children, innoculating them. Some want their kids to be 'popular.' Some to feel the 'baby years' are behind them and they can get their lives back on track.

Then you have the parents that are either 'so scared' of stranger danger or appearing unconcerned, that they never let their children just 'play' or make their own 'fun.' These kids are scedualed from morning to night, even into high school. Then the folks are shocked that their children are not able to make mature decisions on their own, when they've never been given the opportunity to make small mistakes.

 

[Said1]

Then you have the parents that are either 'so scared' of stranger danger or appearing unconcerned, that they never let their children just 'play' or make their own 'fun.' These kids are scedualed from morning to night, even into high school. Then the folks are shocked that their children are not able to make mature decisions on their own, when they've never been given the opportunity to make small mistakes.

I'm afraid I'll fall into this category if I'm not careful, I want to shelter my daughter from everything. I''d never be an overscheduler though, I'm far to unorganized for that!

 

[Annie]

I'm afraid I'll fall into this category if I'm not careful, I want to shelter my daughter from everything. I''d never be an overscheduler though, I'm far to unorganized for that!

Ah there is common sense to be had. Under 7 should always have eyes on them.

7-9 Should be in shouting distance of responsible adult.

10-12 Should be able to be able to be dropped off with a group of friends at a movie, restaurant, etc., and picked up by an adult. They should, if traffic/neighborhood permits, be able to walk/ride bikes with a friend to neighborhood shop, after being taught what to do if something/someone makes them uncomfortable.

13-15 Pretty much the same as above, but with more time allowances.

16 They are driving-good luck.

 

[Said1]

Ah there is common sense to be had. Under 7 should always have eyes on them.

7-9 Should be in shouting distance of responsible adult.

10-12 Should be able to be able to be dropped off with a group of friends at a movie, restaurant, etc., and picked up by an adult. They should, if traffic/neighborhood permits, be able to walk/ride bikes with a friend to neighborhood shop, after being taught what to do if something/someone makes them uncomfortable.

13-15 Pretty much the same as above, but with more time allowances.

16 They are driving-good luck.

I'm hoping to adjust as she grows, HOPING.

 

[Trinity]

10-12 Should be able to be able to be dropped off with a group of friends at a movie, restaurant, etc., and picked up by an adult. They should, if traffic/neighborhood permits, be able to walk/ride bikes with a friend to neighborhood shop, after being taught what to do if something/someone makes them uncomfortable.

Uh Yeah maybe at the age of 20, if their lucky!

 

[Annie]

Uh Yeah maybe at the age of 20, if their lucky!

I hear you. Then again, at 16 they are going to go to the mall with a friend or worse yet, alone. They think they are suddenly grown up? Doesn't work like that. Kids need to be able to have a chance safely, to make choices and mistakes. If the first time they are permitted to do so is when they leave for college :fifty: The choices available might not be what you'd wish and their decisions either.

 

[Fmr jarhead]

There is a movement afoot to not allow 16 year olds to drive...raise the legal age for driving to 18. Statistics bear out that those 2 years difference would save innumerable lives of our youth.

 

[Trinity]

I hear you. Then again, at 16 they are going to go to the mall with a friend or worse yet, alone. They think they are suddenly grown up? Doesn't work like that. Kids need to be able to have a chance safely, to make choices and mistakes. If the first time they are permitted to do so is when they leave for college :fifty: The choices available might not be what you'd wish and their decisions either.

yeah I know, but I can wish can't I?

 

[Annie]

yeah I know, but I can wish can't I?

Wishing is good!

 

[Nienna]

It seems to me that there are a lot of parents out there who are sort of afraid of their kids. Not afraid that the kids will beat them up, but more like they are so insecure about damaging their little psyches that they bumble around trying to please the child instead of setting firm limits for them. What I found by trial and error is that my kids (aged 3-8) need less choices, not more. They need to know what the limits are before they seek to expand them. I think it makes both the parents and the kids feel more secure.

 

[Said1]

It seems to me that there are a lot of parents out there who are sort of afraid of their kids. Not afraid that the kids will beat them up, but more like they are so insecure about damaging their little psyches that they bumble around trying to please the child instead of setting firm limits for them. What I found by trial and error is that my kids (aged 3-8) need less choices, not more. They need to know what the limits are before they seek to expand them. I think it makes both the parents and the kids feel more secure.

Isn't that the truth. Nothing more irritating than hearing a parent say "are you sure you want to jump off that roof?" (sarcasm) Some things aren't negotiable, period.

 

[Annie]

It seems to me that there are a lot of parents out there who are sort of afraid of their kids. Not afraid that the kids will beat them up, but more like they are so insecure about damaging their little psyches that they bumble around trying to please the child instead of setting firm limits for them. What I found by trial and error is that my kids (aged 3-8) need less choices, not more. They need to know what the limits are before they seek to expand them. I think it makes both the parents and the kids feel more secure.

My kids are now in college, doing well, and on the road to adulthood. Dang, they are adults.

I agree that kids need to know the limits, which should be firm but tailored to the child's age.

A two year old can decide which t-shirt to put on. Which crayons they want. They can put their jammies in the clothes hamper after putting on the t-shirt.

A five year old can decide whether they want soup or sandwhich or a little of both for lunch. They can also set and clear the table.

An eight year old, that has been given choices of food and proven capable of making good choices, can plan and pack their lunch. They should also be able to plan their projects for school and the time to do them. *note* Whenever the child fails on the follow through, parents need to step in and let the child know that they now realize they aren't 'quite ready' for these responsibilites or the privileges that go with them. "Perhaps we can try again in a month or so, but for now WE will set the time for your homework and check it." or perhaps, "Having just checked your lunch, I realize that you are not making the healthy choices I know is important to your growing strong. For now, I'll have to do that."

A ten year old can choose a bedtime between 8-9, or whatever the parent thinks are reasonable parameters. The child should understand that 'ready for bed' means bookbag ready for the morning, shower/bath taken if at night, clothes ready for morning, etc. ie. a 9 o'clock bedtime means IN BED, LIGHTS OUT. At this age they should be able to pick the activities they choose to participate in, (my own caveat-they had to be in music, they chose which instrument, they chose when to practice, fail to practice-I chose when). They should also be able to choose friends, including dropping some that you may wish they wouldn't. That's life.

I think you get the idea. Choices and responsibilities are tied together. What should NOT be in child's domain: curfew, out on school nights, where to go on vacation, where to move, when to move or not...

 

[Nienna]

I think chores are VERY important. My 3-year-old can clear his plate from the table, and he can unload the utensils from the dishwasher. I make both boys follow me around the house for "morning work." As I'm doing morning chores, they have to help by running/fetching, or just whatever way they are capable of. We also have lesson time, which they think is fun. My 8 yr old is very responsible. (she's the oldest) My 7yr old slips through the cracks a lot. I just noticed that as I've been typing this. Hmmm... Have to fix that! :whip3:

 

[freeandfun1]

There is a movement afoot to not allow 16 year olds to drive...raise the legal age for driving to 18. Statistics bear out that those 2 years difference would save innumerable lives of our youth.

I agree. Parents want their kids to drive at 16 because then they don't have to take them places. I would rather take them where they want to go, so I will know where they are. Parents push their kids to grow up too fast so that they don't have to worry about them. Kinda sad.

Oh, and Bonnie, yes, I heard that too. I also heard that the girl in Florida was left home alone while her mother was "gone" for the weekend. Not only that, did you hear that her 17 year old brother said that he came home at 9 PM to get read to go out (again, 17, not 21) and that when he returned home at 4 AM, the door was open and she was gone.

Sounds like their mother really cares about them.... I bet her mom really doesn't care if she's gone. Sure, she'll mourn (she has too - image ya know) then she'll quickly be over it and glad she doesn't have to hassle with caring for her any more. This happens all the time. Usually though, it doesn't involve death, it just involves letting a 15 or 16 y/o daughter hang out at all hours until she either 1) gets knocked up and moves out or 2) the daughter runs off to live with a 20 y/o bum. I grew up in poor, white, Southern America and I saw that so many times, it ain't even funny. White trash all the way!

 

[Annie]

Free, I agree about teens being left alone. I've always been shocked that parents will go on a trip, leaving high school students to care for themselves. Weird. I didn't get it when I was in school, guess where all the parties were? (after my first invite freshman year, I NEVER went to a 'no parents home' party. Bad news!)

Today? Shoot, if the kids bring liquor, which they will, parents can be in Europe but are legally responsible for the guests safety home. Serves them right.

 

[Bonnie]

I hear you. Then again, at 16 they are going to go to the mall with a friend or worse yet, alone. They think they are suddenly grown up? Doesn't work like that. Kids need to be able to have a chance safely, to make choices and mistakes. If the first time they are permitted to do so is when they leave for college :fifty: The choices available might not be what you'd wish and their decisions either.

I see in my travels kids who are allowed too grow up to fast though, I do agree with you that you can't shelter your kids forever and they do need to make mistakes, but we live in a different world now. Im not so sure I would allow a child of mine who is 7 or 8 to drive their bikes to the local store for milk even though we should be allowed to do that. Most of the parents i see seem to spoil their kids rotten because the moms work and they feel guilty. I see girls 12 and 13 with piercings other than ear lobes and I just have to wonder what parents are thinking to allow that, it does get the attention of pedaphiles who don't need much incentive to begin with, and really sends the wrong message to boys. I think a little makeup like lip gloss and nail polish would be okay but tongue and brow piercings along with full makeup, and false eyelashes??? Maybe Im just getting prudish?????

 

[Annie]

I see in my travels kids who are allowed too grow up to fast though, I do agree with you that you can't shelter your kids forever and they do need to make mistakes, but we live in a different world now. Im not so sure I would allow a child of mine who is 7 or 8 to drive their bikes to the local store for milk even though we should be allowed to do that. Most of the parents i see seem to spoil their kids rotten because the moms work and they feel guilty. I see girls 12 and 13 with piercings other than ear lobes and I just have to wonder what parents are thinking to allow that, it does get the attention of pedaphiles who don't need much incentive to begin with, and really sends the wrong message to boys. I think a little makeup like lip gloss and nail polish would be okay but tongue and brow piercings along with full makeup, and false eyelashes??? Maybe Im just getting prudish?????

Where did I disagree with you?

7-9 Should be in shouting distance of responsible adult.

10-12 Should be able to be able to be dropped off with a group of friends at a movie, restaurant, etc., and picked up by an adult. They should, if traffic/neighborhood permits, be able to walk/ride bikes with a friend to neighborhood shop, after being taught what to do if something/someone makes them uncomfortable.

 

[Bonnie]

Where did I disagree with you?

The last part I am in full agreement. I suppose a lot of parents think their neighborhoods to be safe, because I see in mine all the time young kids riding bikes alone instead of with a friend or two. Or just walking along the streets alone and they can't be more than 9 or 10. Just makes me wonder??

 

[Annie]

The last part I am in full agreement. I suppose a lot of parents think their neighborhoods to be safe, because I see in mine all the time young kids riding bikes alone instead of with a friend or two. Or just walking along the streets alone and they can't be more than 9 or 10. Just makes me wonder??

I hear you and your concerns. I know that I was paranoid when my kids were little, until my brother brought me all these FBI stats that clearly showed that if anything, abductions were down. I spoke to my brother and he said the same thing today-just with 24 hour news cycle, they fill in. Got to remember how many people there are in the country.

If children do not have time to think, walk, and learn how to socialize without adults setting everything up, they will not maximize or perhaps even develop these talents. Everyone wonders why there are so many fat kids today. Might it be that they don't 'play' except for their soccer or basketball practices?

Truly too many children do not have the thinking/problem solving skills, that were common even a generation or so ago. Why? They don't have to, they are always under adult supervision. Now that doesn't mean you let a 3 year old go outside and 'find someone to play with.' It should mean that a couple kindergartners can play in the back yard with doors open and mom/dad looking out the window frequently.

Kids don't have time to work out 'what if scenarios' with friends, those come at times of being 'alone' with someone, but parents are not 'friends'. Neither are coaches, teachers, sitters.

I know I am not explaining this right and in no way do I mean to imply that kids and parents shouldn't spend lots of time together. I think organized activities add enrichment to all kids lives. Yet, there has to be 'risk' for growth, as long as it's within reason.