- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
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One last heist vignette, about coordinating frailty...with deduction! Thanks for reading (signing off),
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Downtown Los Angeles ("L.A.") is a great place to visit and see. There's a lot of traffic in this American city. It's the named City of Angels, and people come here from all around the world. There're two immaculate banks in L.A. That's why I'm pulling off two grand bank robberies in L.A. People simply don't care about the folklore about the American West anymore. I'd like to change all that.
My name's Isaac Satan. I'll be the narrator of this heist tale. I graduated from college and went traveling and learned about Eastern philosophy before converting to Catholicism. When I returned to America, I opened a small collector's store, paper goods of cultural value in America, in downtown L.A. I sell classic movie posters and American baseball cards. No one'd guess I was a master thief.
My hobby is to collect paintings and portraits of beautiful women, be they vampires, angels, sorceresses, witches, ballet dancers, artists themselves, policewomen, senators, and the like. I keep these treasures and don't sell them. I consider them my spiritual vanguard. To me, they're the justification for my life as a thief. After all, a good thief should be a poet and not a terrorist!
This is the first bank in L.A. where I will commit the first of two grand heists. As you might have imagined, it's an incredible building but also incredibly secure. All the patrons are wealthy. All the money's insured. This is a perfect bank to rob. Follow me along on this double adventure, my good friends.
I walk into the first bank in a religious head-gear, claiming I'm a foreign toy store owner seeking to open a handsome new account. I show the bank representative my store item sampled bag of water-guns. He escorts me into the bank vault room so I can store the diamonds in my briefcase. When we get inside the vault room with the safe-boxes for my diamonds, I show the bank rep that one of my water-guns is filled with corrosive HCL acid and that I've been sent by the owner of a neighboring safe-box belonging to an underground nightclub owner. I tell him I'm to deposit the diamonds in his safe-box and take the cash from his safe box --- about $2 million. I explain to him I'm a government blood diamond traffic messenger and Western gem protection runner. The bank rep has no choice but to comply!
The nightclub owner in L.A. is informed that a mysterious and claiming government operative has transferred 'blood diamond' gems into his safe-box and taken $2 million. The nightclub owner demands further explanation, which is why I left a note with the bank. The note reads, "Consider this diamond transaction an invaluable activity for the anti-terrorism blood diamond mission in South Africa, for which you'll be duly compensated. The nightclub owner realizes the entire transaction has something to do with the heavy illegal and dangerous blood diamond highway in South Africa and doesn't question the incident, especially since his bank money was federally insured.
Did anyone care where the diamonds I procured for this first heist were from or what my sources were? Not really, and that's because the blood diamond highway has become so nefarious that the average wealthy investor in America simply doesn't look into the deadly nature of this foreign activity. I've ironically contributed a small piece of underground press to the anti-terrorism conversation regarding blood diamond ugliness.
That was fun! However, I have one more heist to do, and it's also in downtown L.A. This bank is even more amazing. I'll need a really cool disguise. I plan to look similar to the way looked for the first successful heist, which, thankfully, is com
For the second heist, I'm bringing two items from my L.A. collector's items store. One is a collector's movie poster of a classic American Western film about tragic legendary bank robbers. The movie stars Paul Newman and Robert Redford. The other's a very nice American baseball card which most collectors deem symbolic.
When I walk into this second bank, it's clear how immaculate it really is! However, they're visited now by a master thief.
I walk up to the pretty bank rep, a woman named Sally Field. I tell her I'd like to present the movie poster and baseball card, two collector's items as my first symbolic safe-box deposits into this nice bank as I open a new merchant's account. Sally is very cooperative and escorts me into the safe-box area. This time, I have a concealed photo of Sally's residential house, which I'm going to show her once we're inside the safe-box area.
SALLY: What're you saying?
ME: I have a photo of your house!
SALLY: Is this a threat?
ME: No, Ms. Field.
SALLY: What's this about?
ME: I'm going to leave you these two collector's items.
SALLY: The classic movie poster and American baseball card?
ME: Right!
SALLY: So?
ME: I want you to open safe-box #445.
SALLY: That belongs to the city television tycoon.
ME: Did you know that tycoon's connected to a drug ring?
SALLY: No, I didn't know that.
ME: You're going to tell the press his safe-box was robbed by a terrorist.
SALLY: What?
ME: Yes, and no one need know you're servicing my merchant's account!
SALLY: Why?
ME: You're doing the city a great service, and you need not get involved.
SALLY: What if these drug dealers link me to you?
ME: All you're telling the bank is that a terrorist claimed he was stealing from the underground.
SALLY: Do you realize what this will do to the reputation of our fine bank, sir?
ME: Ms. Field, I assist the police, and you're not required to be part of the conspiracy.
SALLY: Well, I suppose this all sounds...democratic.
Of course, Ms. Field is relieved to know that the owner of the safe-box made sure his money, about $2 million in cash, was federally insured. Incidentally, the owner of the safe-box really was connected to a drug ring, which I knew from an underground source from my first heist. This ironically improved some of the street reputation of the bank itself. I used some of the money from my two awesome heists to purchase custom-made trophies, which I keep in my L.A. loft as a showcase to modern vigilantism. However, I'm not really a priest...just a master thief!
So, that's the end of my little heist tale of two nifty bank robberies from two impressive banks in downtown L.A. Surely, such a story should augment some of the Old West folk-tales of the great bank robbers from American history, such as Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid. The point of this tale was of course to relate to you that in America, anything dangerous...can be a story. I love America.
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
====
Downtown Los Angeles ("L.A.") is a great place to visit and see. There's a lot of traffic in this American city. It's the named City of Angels, and people come here from all around the world. There're two immaculate banks in L.A. That's why I'm pulling off two grand bank robberies in L.A. People simply don't care about the folklore about the American West anymore. I'd like to change all that.
My name's Isaac Satan. I'll be the narrator of this heist tale. I graduated from college and went traveling and learned about Eastern philosophy before converting to Catholicism. When I returned to America, I opened a small collector's store, paper goods of cultural value in America, in downtown L.A. I sell classic movie posters and American baseball cards. No one'd guess I was a master thief.
My hobby is to collect paintings and portraits of beautiful women, be they vampires, angels, sorceresses, witches, ballet dancers, artists themselves, policewomen, senators, and the like. I keep these treasures and don't sell them. I consider them my spiritual vanguard. To me, they're the justification for my life as a thief. After all, a good thief should be a poet and not a terrorist!
This is the first bank in L.A. where I will commit the first of two grand heists. As you might have imagined, it's an incredible building but also incredibly secure. All the patrons are wealthy. All the money's insured. This is a perfect bank to rob. Follow me along on this double adventure, my good friends.
I walk into the first bank in a religious head-gear, claiming I'm a foreign toy store owner seeking to open a handsome new account. I show the bank representative my store item sampled bag of water-guns. He escorts me into the bank vault room so I can store the diamonds in my briefcase. When we get inside the vault room with the safe-boxes for my diamonds, I show the bank rep that one of my water-guns is filled with corrosive HCL acid and that I've been sent by the owner of a neighboring safe-box belonging to an underground nightclub owner. I tell him I'm to deposit the diamonds in his safe-box and take the cash from his safe box --- about $2 million. I explain to him I'm a government blood diamond traffic messenger and Western gem protection runner. The bank rep has no choice but to comply!
The nightclub owner in L.A. is informed that a mysterious and claiming government operative has transferred 'blood diamond' gems into his safe-box and taken $2 million. The nightclub owner demands further explanation, which is why I left a note with the bank. The note reads, "Consider this diamond transaction an invaluable activity for the anti-terrorism blood diamond mission in South Africa, for which you'll be duly compensated. The nightclub owner realizes the entire transaction has something to do with the heavy illegal and dangerous blood diamond highway in South Africa and doesn't question the incident, especially since his bank money was federally insured.
Did anyone care where the diamonds I procured for this first heist were from or what my sources were? Not really, and that's because the blood diamond highway has become so nefarious that the average wealthy investor in America simply doesn't look into the deadly nature of this foreign activity. I've ironically contributed a small piece of underground press to the anti-terrorism conversation regarding blood diamond ugliness.
That was fun! However, I have one more heist to do, and it's also in downtown L.A. This bank is even more amazing. I'll need a really cool disguise. I plan to look similar to the way looked for the first successful heist, which, thankfully, is com
For the second heist, I'm bringing two items from my L.A. collector's items store. One is a collector's movie poster of a classic American Western film about tragic legendary bank robbers. The movie stars Paul Newman and Robert Redford. The other's a very nice American baseball card which most collectors deem symbolic.
When I walk into this second bank, it's clear how immaculate it really is! However, they're visited now by a master thief.
I walk up to the pretty bank rep, a woman named Sally Field. I tell her I'd like to present the movie poster and baseball card, two collector's items as my first symbolic safe-box deposits into this nice bank as I open a new merchant's account. Sally is very cooperative and escorts me into the safe-box area. This time, I have a concealed photo of Sally's residential house, which I'm going to show her once we're inside the safe-box area.
SALLY: What're you saying?
ME: I have a photo of your house!
SALLY: Is this a threat?
ME: No, Ms. Field.
SALLY: What's this about?
ME: I'm going to leave you these two collector's items.
SALLY: The classic movie poster and American baseball card?
ME: Right!
SALLY: So?
ME: I want you to open safe-box #445.
SALLY: That belongs to the city television tycoon.
ME: Did you know that tycoon's connected to a drug ring?
SALLY: No, I didn't know that.
ME: You're going to tell the press his safe-box was robbed by a terrorist.
SALLY: What?
ME: Yes, and no one need know you're servicing my merchant's account!
SALLY: Why?
ME: You're doing the city a great service, and you need not get involved.
SALLY: What if these drug dealers link me to you?
ME: All you're telling the bank is that a terrorist claimed he was stealing from the underground.
SALLY: Do you realize what this will do to the reputation of our fine bank, sir?
ME: Ms. Field, I assist the police, and you're not required to be part of the conspiracy.
SALLY: Well, I suppose this all sounds...democratic.
Of course, Ms. Field is relieved to know that the owner of the safe-box made sure his money, about $2 million in cash, was federally insured. Incidentally, the owner of the safe-box really was connected to a drug ring, which I knew from an underground source from my first heist. This ironically improved some of the street reputation of the bank itself. I used some of the money from my two awesome heists to purchase custom-made trophies, which I keep in my L.A. loft as a showcase to modern vigilantism. However, I'm not really a priest...just a master thief!
So, that's the end of my little heist tale of two nifty bank robberies from two impressive banks in downtown L.A. Surely, such a story should augment some of the Old West folk-tales of the great bank robbers from American history, such as Butch Cassidy or the Sundance Kid. The point of this tale was of course to relate to you that in America, anything dangerous...can be a story. I love America.
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
