Linguistic humor

[miketx]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down!

 

[progressive hunter]

here I sit all broken hearted
tried to shit but only farted

 

[miketx]

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

 

[miketx]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

 

[miketx]

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

 

[miketx]

Simple Questions, Complicated Answers

Why is abbreviated such a long word?

Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do they call it a building? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a built?

Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?

Is there another word for synonym?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

[progressive hunter]

 

[Gdjjr]

Gallagher is one of the most intelligent comedians I've ever seen- he proves, as do a couple others, that real life is funnier than made up shit- he, Carlin and Ron White are at the top of my funny list.

 

[Silver Cat]

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"