Tongue in cheek aside I see three valid areas for regulation
1) Transparency -- companies cannot be allowed to hide anything they do in a market. We should have access to ALL information
2) Accountability -- we have to know who did what and when and how much. And then you are held accountable for it. This would prevent bailouts because you can do what you want to, but if it backfires, tough, you pay the price and so does anyone who invests in your idea
3) Panic restriction -- basically market movement limits. Securities should have a hard daily limit on how much their price can move in a a single day of trading. Let's panic driven trader sleep on it. If they still think something is viable they can hit the limit each day until it gets to a legitimate level. But it lets them sleep on, reconsider, then act only if they come to the same logical conclusion.