CDZ Emotional Vampires

[gallantwarrior]

Compromise is usually a good thing GW, drive him halfway and walk back.

He threatened to call a cab, I gave him the number for the local Yellow Cab. Hhhmmm, guess it wasn't that important because he didn't call them. And I'm still too busy to take him anywhere. I wonder how long he'll sit out in the car until he comes back inside? Again, he's not getting the usual conditioned responses.

 

[gallantwarrior]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

Looks like you have quite an experienced One there. At least you don't live together, that seems to be one thing in your favour, doesnt it?

Normally, we don't live together, but his injury has put him into my place temporarily. He's in for a big shock when I just drop him off in town Wednesday evening and leave him there without calling to check on him for a few days. He's getting along well enough on his own, after all.

 

[saveliberty]

Since he is such a pack rat, do either of you know where the important documents are?

 

[Tilly]

A common and unbearable trait of the emotional vampire:

"...Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person’s perspective...

.....However, be aware that they are “grooming” you — setting you up to exploit you in whichever way best suits their purposes later. What seems quite innocent at first, such as finding a good friend, may lead you to compromise your ethics..."

How to Avoid Being Drained by Energy Vampires

Not to mention using emotional blackmail in an attempt to get you to do so.

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

Looks like you have quite an experienced One there. At least you don't live together, that seems to be one thing in your favour, doesnt it?

Normally, we don't live together, but his injury has put him into my place temporarily. He's in for a big shock when I just drop him off in town Wednesday evening and leave him there without calling to check on him for a few days. He's getting along well enough on his own, after all.

That's a good plan. Just Dont let him, or even you, make you succumb to feeling guilty.

 

[pillars]

He's using crutches but driving is bad for him because he only has a standard transmission truck. I hesitate to let him use the auto-transmission Dodge because: 1. he would have to park it on the street in a less-than-decent part of town. 2. I never know when he's been into his pain meds and he swears they have no affect. 3. He tends to fill up a vehicle with all manner of trash and debris, requiring significant clean-up later.
If I could do something differently...I would have not become a friend and later, business partner. We have lots in common, but, in the end, lots more we don't agree upon.
Looking to the future, my daughter and I came up with a plan to subdivide the larger property years ago. We just had to wait for him to "come up with" the same plan on his own. This summer, we are going to have the surveyor in and will file the subdivided parcels. The property in town, I will gladly surrender my interest in that. If I were 25 years younger, I might just up and walk away from the whole shebang, but the larger property is kind of my retirement investment.

That sounds like a difficult situation. At what point will you be finished taking care of him?

 

[pillars]

Compromise is usually a good thing GW, drive him halfway and walk back.

He threatened to call a cab, I gave him the number for the local Yellow Cab. Hhhmmm, guess it wasn't that important because he didn't call them. And I'm still too busy to take him anywhere. I wonder how long he'll sit out in the car until he comes back inside? Again, he's not getting the usual conditioned responses.

Good for you. I know it is difficult, but It's kind of satisfying to stop playing the game.

 

[gallantwarrior]

Since he is such a pack rat, do either of you know where the important documents are?

Yes. I keep those things around, in an actual filing cabinet...not a pile of papers in the corner!

 

[gallantwarrior]

My partner fits the "emotional vampire" meme. Diagnostically, he's a passive-aggressive controller. It isn't always that simple to divest oneself of such a creature, particularly when financial considerations are a factor. Right now, I am doing my best to help the sucker past a really rough spot caused when he shattered an ankle a few months ago. (It's what "friends" do.) But, I am pretty much not speaking with him, communicating only the most essential minimal information. He's that much of a child. (He asked me why I tend to treat him like a retarded third-grader, I cannot tell you how difficult it was to bite back the answer; "Because that's how you act.")

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

Looks like you have quite an experienced One there. At least you don't live together, that seems to be one thing in your favour, doesnt it?

Normally, we don't live together, but his injury has put him into my place temporarily. He's in for a big shock when I just drop him off in town Wednesday evening and leave him there without calling to check on him for a few days. He's getting along well enough on his own, after all.

That's a good plan. Just Dont let him, or even you, make you succumb to feeling guilty.

My daughter won't let me falter on this. Bless her, she's a be-atch about stuff like this.
I don't feel guilty as much as I feel responsible. I'm the kind of person who takes in strays. Cats and dogs might really need my help.

 

[gallantwarrior]

Compromise is usually a good thing GW, drive him halfway and walk back.

He threatened to call a cab, I gave him the number for the local Yellow Cab. Hhhmmm, guess it wasn't that important because he didn't call them. And I'm still too busy to take him anywhere. I wonder how long he'll sit out in the car until he comes back inside? Again, he's not getting the usual conditioned responses.

Good for you. I know it is difficult, but It's kind of satisfying to stop playing the game.

And a game it is, indeed. If he wants to declare himself capable without my help, I'm ready to let him seek help elsewhere. Perhaps this accident is the needed catalyst to prompt me to move on?

 

[Tilly]

I don't envy you. It's bad enough when it's a neighbour or friend.

It's difficult sometimes when you start to feel like Pavlov's dogs, responding to certain stimuli in predictable ways. You try your best to change the expected narrative, though.
If you all will bear with me, I will describe this afternoon's proceedings as an example.
Background: About a month and a half ago, my partner fell off a ladder at work, shattering his ankle. Because of this, he needs to keep the weight off and has to have care. OK, I get that he can't get his own coffee and newspaper, and that his food has to be brought over, etc. Anyhow, he's spending lots of time at my place so I can provide the help he needs. Friends just do that kind of thing for each other in my book.
Earlier this morning, he mentioned that the bottle fed goatling might appreciate having her breakfast. OK, I get it, he wants the goat fed and cannot really do it himself. I'm busy cleaning house and working on the computer, so I acknowledge his concern and tell him I'll be getting to it soon. He repeats his concern every 10-15 minutes. (This constitutes nagging in my lexicon.) Suddenly, he starts getting ready to "go do it himself", since I obviously don't care that the poor kid is starving. Predicted result: I get up and out because I understand he shouldn't be hobbling up and down the steps to the goat pen. I am not happy and pretty freely express that. Now he's searching for keys to the truck so he can go back to his place. (Keys in my pocket because he shouldn't be driving with either his broken leg or his load of painkillers.) Failing to find the keys, he plunks himself down in the Jeep, which is a standard transmission, and demands I drive him home NOW!
I confess, I failed to respond appropriately. Instead of immediately dragging him to his place (where I most fervently wish her were.), I tell him I am now busy feeding, watering, and milking the goats and he must wait. Additionally, when I disagree with him, he refuses to address me by my given (and preferred) name, using a "special" name for me. Normally, this pisses me off so badly, I just shut up and walk away (preferable to clubbing him with something).
In summary: He has the abusive (passive-aggressive) prompts down pat. He knows what buttons to push to get certain responses. For my part, I am conditioned to respond in such a way that I avoid the ugliness of confrontation. Passive-aggressive controllers have a very effective means of getting their way. Their strategy is very successful and very difficult to overcome.
Thanks, y'all!

Looks like you have quite an experienced One there. At least you don't live together, that seems to be one thing in your favour, doesnt it?

Normally, we don't live together, but his injury has put him into my place temporarily. He's in for a big shock when I just drop him off in town Wednesday evening and leave him there without calling to check on him for a few days. He's getting along well enough on his own, after all.

That's a good plan. Just Dont let him, or even you, make you succumb to feeling guilty.

My daughter won't let me falter on this. Bless her, she's a be-atch about stuff like this.
I don't feel guilty as much as I feel responsible. I'm the kind of person who takes in strays. Cats and dogs might really need my help.

I know what you mean, I'm like that, but people can take advantage. It's great that you have your daughters support and aren't in this alone.

 

[pillars]

 

[D Truth]

What is an emotional vampire, and do you have the misfortune to know any?
How does one deal with them, assuming they are already in your life and thus it is too late to avoid them altogether?


How to Protect Yourself From the Emotional Vampires In Your Life
People Who Suck Your Energy and Happiness

Unlike the vampires you see in the movies, emotional vampires enjoy sucking the joy out of your friendships. Rather than feasting on blood (like the vampires of legend), they feed on the positive energy that exist in a relationship. The best way to handle these types of people is just avoid them...

Typically, emotional vampires are all about them. So they will talk about their problems ad nauseam without reciprocating the gesture or, they will manage to change the level of excitement in a room full of people from happy to irritated and angry. Suddenly the mood of the room will change to something darker, and the people at the table will leave feeling more "down" than positive and upbeat.

If you were laughing or having fun before, chances are the mood is decidedly different after the emotional vampire arrives...

Ever Met an Emotional Vampire? Here's How to Successfully Avoid Them

Well while "friends" are make believe...

The first thought that comes to mind?
Women. They pretty well describe what I think you are getting at.
LULZ