- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
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Here's a funny divine thief-story about an eccentric self-proclaimed 'diamond-pilot' reminiscent of an iconic fictional thief like Artful Dodger. This was inspired by The Hatton Garden Job. Thanks for reading (Merry Christmas!),
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"I'm not a pilot. I'm a diamond pilot. That simply means I'm a diamond thief. That's correct, folks. I travel around the world stealing diamonds and performing heists of diamonds from safe-boxes in banks owned by wealthy patrons. I do the research about these patrons in each city I visit, pretending to be a diamond market evaluator named Isaac Satan. I then perform the diamond heists of their safe-boxes masked as a marauder. I'm a diamond pilot."
"I always travel on Aeroflot (Russian Airlines). The services are great, the flight-attendants are gorgeous, the flight schedules are reliable and on-time, and the food and hygiene are satisfactory! I always take Aeroflot for my diamond heist cities, which include Hong Kong, Amsterdam, London, and Sydney. Aeroflot is the ideal airlines for a diamond pilot, IMO."
AEROFLOT: "We offer our passengers top-notch in-flight amenities and securities, so our passenger flights are top-rated!"
"This is the first diamond-heist bank I visited, in Hong Kong, at the Bank of China. I walked in masked and informed the bank personnel I intended to steal the $3 million diamonds from the safe-box owned by a Saudi prince. Mind you, I walked in wearing a wig and beard and suggested I was opening a diamond account on behalf of this same Saudi prince and only donned my mask and pulled out my acid-filled water-gun once I was escorted inside the vault-room by the bank executive and one of the armed guards."
"Incidentally, I always wear the same mask for all my city diamond-heists, and it's a plastic vaudeville mask I inherited from my grandfather who was a circus performer with the Romanian Circus in the 1900s. I love my mask. It's terrific. It's not frightening, and at the same time, it offers the right dose of mischievous glare. No one really bothers me inside the banks because of the flavor of my thief mask. You see, I'm an awesome diamond pilot."
"This is the second bank of my diamond-heist tour. It's the ING bank in Amsterdam, Netherlands. I walked in with a fake ID claiming I was a business associate of the wealthy French businessman who owned a safe-box in the bank vault containing $4 million diamonds from Antwerp. Once inside the vault, I put on my mask and once again pulled out my acid-filled water-gun."
"Incidentally, the acid-gun I wield is simply a clear water-gun containing an inserted protective glass tube capable of holding the corrosive HCL acid I use as my lethal chemical weapon. I never intend to fire the weapon, but I threaten the guard by telling him, 'I'll shoot you in your fancy guard's shoes unless you cooperate and don't want dystopian holes in your toes. It never fails!"
"There's no reason that a diamond pilot such as myself should have to feel that I'm not stylish enough to perform these strange heists. After all, thievery is strange. All thieves in great works of fiction and cinema are eccentrics, from Artful Dodger to the Pink Panther. I consider myself a comparable eccentric. I like to look stylish, and I dress for the season. You see, I'm a diamond pilot."
"During my diamond-heist tour, I stopped at movie theaters to enjoy fun movies at vintage movie theaters. I saw fun movies such as Santa Clause 2 and The Bank Job. I love movies!"
"This is the London bank where I performed the diamond heist of the safe-box in the vault containing $4 million diamonds from South Africa owned by a wealthy Texan named Reed Richards. I walked into the London bank and claimed I was an investor looking to have a safe-box neighboring the one owned by the famed Reed Richards. I walked out with the diamonds and gave the bank executive fake diamonds as substitutes, claiming to him they were real and the heist was a PR-stunt and that I didn't want any hard feelings. I walked out with the $4 million Reed Richards diamonds."
"This is the mask I wore, the same one I always wear, when I procured the Reed Richards diamonds from London. You see, I'm a diamond pilot!"
"This is the bank in Sydney (Australia), the last heist location. This bank had a vault with a safe-box holding $3 million diamonds from Antwerp owned by a wealthy NASDAQ investor from Canada. I told the bank executive I was a competitor of the Canadian and sought to invest in diamonds more valuable than his and possessed the fake diamonds in my bag to show off to him before being escorted into the vault room!"
"This is the Aeroflot stewardess I met during my diamond heist tour, a lovely European woman named Sasha. I'm going to marry her after I trade all my stolen diamonds for cash in the underground market to open a private Swiss account. We'll settle down in the Virgin Islands. Isn't she lovely?"
ISAAC: Let's watch Blood Diamond together, love!
SASHA: Cool movie.
ISAAC: I may have some diamonds for you, love!
SASHA: Cool movie.
"That's my story, my story as a diamond pilot. Do you like diamonds? Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Diamonds are forever. All that stuff is real, right? Diamonds are shiny and remind us of geometry, right? I'm a diamond pilot. This was my dream. Thanks for following."
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
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"I'm not a pilot. I'm a diamond pilot. That simply means I'm a diamond thief. That's correct, folks. I travel around the world stealing diamonds and performing heists of diamonds from safe-boxes in banks owned by wealthy patrons. I do the research about these patrons in each city I visit, pretending to be a diamond market evaluator named Isaac Satan. I then perform the diamond heists of their safe-boxes masked as a marauder. I'm a diamond pilot."
"I always travel on Aeroflot (Russian Airlines). The services are great, the flight-attendants are gorgeous, the flight schedules are reliable and on-time, and the food and hygiene are satisfactory! I always take Aeroflot for my diamond heist cities, which include Hong Kong, Amsterdam, London, and Sydney. Aeroflot is the ideal airlines for a diamond pilot, IMO."
AEROFLOT: "We offer our passengers top-notch in-flight amenities and securities, so our passenger flights are top-rated!"
"This is the first diamond-heist bank I visited, in Hong Kong, at the Bank of China. I walked in masked and informed the bank personnel I intended to steal the $3 million diamonds from the safe-box owned by a Saudi prince. Mind you, I walked in wearing a wig and beard and suggested I was opening a diamond account on behalf of this same Saudi prince and only donned my mask and pulled out my acid-filled water-gun once I was escorted inside the vault-room by the bank executive and one of the armed guards."
"Incidentally, I always wear the same mask for all my city diamond-heists, and it's a plastic vaudeville mask I inherited from my grandfather who was a circus performer with the Romanian Circus in the 1900s. I love my mask. It's terrific. It's not frightening, and at the same time, it offers the right dose of mischievous glare. No one really bothers me inside the banks because of the flavor of my thief mask. You see, I'm an awesome diamond pilot."
"This is the second bank of my diamond-heist tour. It's the ING bank in Amsterdam, Netherlands. I walked in with a fake ID claiming I was a business associate of the wealthy French businessman who owned a safe-box in the bank vault containing $4 million diamonds from Antwerp. Once inside the vault, I put on my mask and once again pulled out my acid-filled water-gun."
"Incidentally, the acid-gun I wield is simply a clear water-gun containing an inserted protective glass tube capable of holding the corrosive HCL acid I use as my lethal chemical weapon. I never intend to fire the weapon, but I threaten the guard by telling him, 'I'll shoot you in your fancy guard's shoes unless you cooperate and don't want dystopian holes in your toes. It never fails!"
"There's no reason that a diamond pilot such as myself should have to feel that I'm not stylish enough to perform these strange heists. After all, thievery is strange. All thieves in great works of fiction and cinema are eccentrics, from Artful Dodger to the Pink Panther. I consider myself a comparable eccentric. I like to look stylish, and I dress for the season. You see, I'm a diamond pilot."
"During my diamond-heist tour, I stopped at movie theaters to enjoy fun movies at vintage movie theaters. I saw fun movies such as Santa Clause 2 and The Bank Job. I love movies!"
"This is the London bank where I performed the diamond heist of the safe-box in the vault containing $4 million diamonds from South Africa owned by a wealthy Texan named Reed Richards. I walked into the London bank and claimed I was an investor looking to have a safe-box neighboring the one owned by the famed Reed Richards. I walked out with the diamonds and gave the bank executive fake diamonds as substitutes, claiming to him they were real and the heist was a PR-stunt and that I didn't want any hard feelings. I walked out with the $4 million Reed Richards diamonds."
"This is the mask I wore, the same one I always wear, when I procured the Reed Richards diamonds from London. You see, I'm a diamond pilot!"
"This is the bank in Sydney (Australia), the last heist location. This bank had a vault with a safe-box holding $3 million diamonds from Antwerp owned by a wealthy NASDAQ investor from Canada. I told the bank executive I was a competitor of the Canadian and sought to invest in diamonds more valuable than his and possessed the fake diamonds in my bag to show off to him before being escorted into the vault room!"
"This is the Aeroflot stewardess I met during my diamond heist tour, a lovely European woman named Sasha. I'm going to marry her after I trade all my stolen diamonds for cash in the underground market to open a private Swiss account. We'll settle down in the Virgin Islands. Isn't she lovely?"
ISAAC: Let's watch Blood Diamond together, love!
SASHA: Cool movie.
ISAAC: I may have some diamonds for you, love!
SASHA: Cool movie.
"That's my story, my story as a diamond pilot. Do you like diamonds? Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Diamonds are forever. All that stuff is real, right? Diamonds are shiny and remind us of geometry, right? I'm a diamond pilot. This was my dream. Thanks for following."
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
