Death and Funerals

[Bitterhook]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

It's probably going to sound cheesy but here's my immediate family experience.

They had always done the standard services and burial until my father died, He wanted to be cremated although they had bought cemetery plots. We purchased a large, nice urn, and services were held at his place of worship more than a week after his passing. There was visitation the day prior with the family, for community members to pay their respects and share time with the family. The urn came home with my mother and stayed there until she passed a few years later.

She also chose to be cremated, and the services went the same way as my father with one exception. Their ashes were comingled in the urn, and they will forever be together and each other's embrace as far as this world is concerned. A small portion of the comingled ashes were taken to an additional memorial garden for some friends of the family upon their family's request, and my parents will always be with what remains of their friendship.

Over the years, my sister and I have taken small portions of their remains to places my parents often visited and enjoyed like Bon Secor Wildlife Refuge in Alabama, Estes Park in Colorado, the Texas Hill Country, Otter Creek in the Blue Ridge Mountains, and many more where a piece of them will forever be in the places they loved and enjoyed, together.

There are few more places on our list, most of which are even farther away, and we will get to them as time allows. But the practice is because we love them, respect their wishes and we get to have funerals on rare occasions and special moments to say goodbye again. It is cathartic in ways I never imagined, and I remember them clearly in the places where some of their remains now rest.

Told you it was cheesy, but so where my parents, and I supposed we are too, It's really kind of cool though in some ways.