Death and Funerals

[DGS49]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

 

[Cellblock2429]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

/----/ Yup, COVID changed many things in the country, and we're not going back—well, some are going back to the office, but you know what I mean.

 

[Auld Phart]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

no funeral, obit in hometown paper, (may be some old friends recognize the name), cremated, ashes thrown off a ship.

 

[Twisted Gypsy Child]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

Put your wishes in your will, and tell your family your wishes. That is Your vote.

 

[Manonthestreet]

Nobody likes to think about death and funerals, but we are going through a major change in the death culture and it bears consideration.

A generation ago, when you died (assuming your family was not "poor"), you were laid out at a funeral home for three or four days, then there was a final religious service and you were planted in the ground, usually in some sort of family plot, with your deceased ancestors.

Now, families are breaking away from this paradigm, possibly prompted by the restraints of the Pandemic, and if you are on the periphery of the family you truly have to pay attention to see what is happening. Often, there is only one day of "viewing," and it might be many days, weeks, or even months after the death itself. Sometimes there is no viewing at all. Cremation seems to be much more common now (because it is cheaper than a funeral?). Funeral homes are going out of business because of these changes.

In the past, there was in most families a cadre of Old Ladies who spread the word on the person's death, and often on the funeral arrangements. Or they just alerted you of the death and told you to check the local newspaper obituary section for the arrangements. Those old ladies are dying off or involved in their own stuff now, so you don't get those phone calls anymore. You have to scan the Obits on your own, or a death may go un-noticed.

For these reasons, it is a good idea today to consider what "arrangements" you want for your own funeral. Without specific instructions to your survivors, they could be more or less than what would please you. I would guess that a lot of people who post here would say they don't give a damn what happens after they are dead, but a lot of people do. My wife used to be a banker with a lot of wealthy clients, and you wouldn't believe how elaborate some of them were in mapping out what they wanted.

On the side of the survivors, the customs are also changing. Is sending flowers still the best thing to do? I still see a lot of flowers, but personally, I wonder about it. They are expensive and what is the point? Is the family comforted by all the flowers sitting around the funeral home (or their homes)? Maybe. But they all end up in a dumpster within a few days, and that strikes me as a waste.

In the end, the funeral is for the benefit of the survivors and do not benefit the deceased in any way. To illustrate the point, I have a sibling who lives in a remote state. I am still fairly close to her, but I have no use for her family and they have no use for me. When she kicks the bucket I will have no inclination to go there to mourn (my wife will push me mightily to go). Would it be disrespectful to HER if I don't go? I don't think so.

When I go, I want NOTHING. No funeral, no obituary, no religious service...NOTHING. But I will be dead, so I won't get a vote.

Priced themselves out of business.....or the govt did it for them thru regulation

 

[Captain Creeper]

I hate funerals (and viewings). I have been to plenty of them, and I find the practice of looking at your dead loved one to be grotesque. They never look like they did during life. Your memory of them will be tainted by seeing the corpse. They are all gaunt and their fingers and hands appear stretched due to the shrinking skin. They look like something off an Iron Maiden album cover. I do not need to see the corpse of a loved one to let go and have closure. And I do not even understand what "closure" means in this context. Why do I need to see a dead facsimile of my friend or family member to come to terms with his or her death? Its seems gross and not at all humane.

I have provided in my will that I wish for my body to be cremated for the very reason that I do not care for the funeral ritual.

 

[DGS49]

By a coincidence of timing, I was being raised at a time when my grandmother's many siblings were dying off. Every year or so another one passed away, followed by my grandmother, and then tragically my mom at age 51.

So I am not bothered by the rituals at all, and in fact, I came to feel that death is a part of ordinary life, so I tend not to mourn much, even when the deceased was relatively close or familiar.

It seems to me that there is an art to the mortuary thing. I've seen corpses that absolutely looked like they were just sleeping, and I've seen them that could have been used in an old Dracula movie.

But I firmly believe that one day of viewing should be the norm. Multi-day affairs are too hard on the family.

 

[Zebra]

I hate funerals (and viewings). I have been to plenty of them, and I find the practice of looking at your dead loved one to be grotesque. They never look like they did during life. Your memory of them will be tainted by seeing the corpse. They are all gaunt and their fingers and hands appear stretched due to the shrinking skin. They look like something off an Iron Maiden album cover. I do not need to see the corpse of a loved one to let go and have closure. And I do not even understand what "closure" means in this context. Why do I need to see a dead facsimile of my friend or family member to come to terms with his or her death? Its seems gross and not at all humane.

I have provided in my will that I wish for my body to be cremated for the very reason that I do not care for the funeral ritual.

i agree!

 

[Cellblock2429]

i agree!

/——/ I’m at a day long funeral right now.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

.

I was happy to have my mother cremated. Ditto my husband.

I have already arranged my cremation and the funeral home in my town knows what to do with my remains -- to give them to the VA cemetery, to bury right next to my husband's remains.

All my estate has been taken care of and there's a nice tidy will in the nightstand. My good friend from church knows how to deal with everything.

.

 

[Cellblock2429]

.

I was happy to have my mother cremated. Ditto my husband.

I have already arranged my cremation and the funeral home in my town knows what to do with my remains -- to give them to the VA cemetery, to bury right next to my husband's remains.

All my estate has been taken care of and there's a nice tidy will in the nightstand. My good friend from church knows how to deal with everything.

.

/----/ Was your will prepared by a lawyer? He/she should retain a copy. Is our estate in a revocable or irrevocable trust? A simple will is not enough. Your estate could go into probate.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

/----/ Was your will prepared by a lawyer? He/she should retain a copy. Is our estate in a revocable or irrevocable trust? A simple will is not enough. Your estate could go into probate.

.

Yes, I used an attorney. She assured me that it is safe from probate.

.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

The people I know tend not to do much about funerals. When my ex died his friends had a memorial at his favorite bar. I didn't go. My partner's family gave him a 10 minute graveside prayer. My stepfather disappeared on December 18 1995. He was never seen again so I don't know when he died. My mom had a short service for the people that knew her.

Death ceremonies tend to be going out of style.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

The people I know tend not to do much about funerals. When my ex died his friends had a memorial at his favorite bar. I didn't go. My partner's family gave him a 10 minute graveside prayer. My stepfather disappeared on December 18 1995. He was never seen again so I don't know when he died. My mom had a short service for the people that knew her.

Death ceremonies tend to be going out of style.

.

I do not regret sending my husband off with military honors and the Patriot Guard Riders in attendance. A couple of songs that were very important to him. A few words from anyone who cared to speak. That was about it.

.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

.

I do not regret sending my husband off with military honors and the Patriot Guard Riders in attendance. A couple of songs that were very important to him. A few words from anyone who cared to speak. That was about it.

.

Lacking anyone willing to do anything, the Navy took my ex and buried him in a veteran's cemetery.

My biological father was a WWII hero. He had a full military funeral with an honor guard and a 21 gun salute. President obama sent a citation. I could not go. I would have liked to go.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

Lacking anyone willing to do anything, the Navy took my ex and buried him in a veteran's cemetery.

My biological father was a WWII hero. He had a full military funeral with an honor guard and a 21 gun salute. President obama sent a citation. I could not go. I would have liked to go.

.

Sorry you could not experience the American dignity of your father's funeral. I still have a lump in my throat. I keep the photo of the Airman handing me my hubby's folded flag as wallpaper on my computer.

Do you know if your father wanted the Military funeral? I knew my hubby didn't want any funeral, but it meant so much to his kids and me.

.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

.

Sorry you could not experience the American dignity of your father's funeral. I still have a lump in my throat. I keep the photo of the Airman handing me my hubby's folded flag as wallpaper on my computer.

Do you know if your father wanted the Military funeral? I knew my hubby didn't want any funeral, but it meant so much to his kids and me.

.

No. I don't know. I do know that he was offered an all expense paid trip to France to commemorate the landing at Normany Beach. He was in the original force. He refused to go. He might have not wanted a big fuss.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

No. I don't know. I do know that he was offered an all expense paid trip to France to commemorate the landing at Normany Beach. He was in the original force. He refused to go. He might have not wanted a big fuss.

.

He really was a war hero! Thanks!

.

 

[rover says its chilly]

To the OP,

I don't think flowers are a waste. An alternative is to get a perennial planter. You can spruce it up to make it fit with the picked flowers.

 

[rover says its chilly]

On another note.

I saw this program that discussed backyard burials. They talked about the states in the US that do not prohibit such burials. This was, of course, much more prevalent in the old days. But society got more mobile, and it did not make sense to bury at home.

I suppose cremation increased with the mobile society. Instead of visiting your deceased in the backyard, you can visit the ashes.