Cheating on your Lover

[dilloduck]

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

so celibacy would be a choice that would be easy for you to make?

Yes,I could make that choice. Mainly because if I was to comit myself to someone, it would have to be based on a lot of things besides just the sexual aspects of the relationship.

so you would be sacrificing one need to preserve another ?

 

[SpidermanTuba]

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him?

Yes. If he's had one weak moment he will have others.

 

[LuckyDan]

Depends on the person I guess. If I loved them,I could be celibate. Who is to say if the person found another lover that met their needs both emotionally and sexually...they wouldn't leave anyway. Especially if they were feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship.

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

 

[dilloduck]

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

 

[Cuyo]

Meh. There's full-blown swingers, and there's Amish. And everything in between. It's a matter of preference and trust, case-by-case.

 

[Shadow]

so celibacy would be a choice that would be easy for you to make?

Yes,I could make that choice. Mainly because if I was to comit myself to someone, it would have to be based on a lot of things besides just the sexual aspects of the relationship.

so you would be sacrificing one need to preserve another ?

Preserve what other need? If I am committed emotionally to a person (which I would have to be,or we wouldn't be together) I wouldn't cheat...I doubt I would even think about cheating to be honest. I have been around enough to know that sex without some kind of emotional desire or love involved...isn't all that fulfilling to me.

 

[Lumpy 1]

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

I think for a good marriage to last and grow emotionally the prime ingredient is trust for both parties. I thing the vows start you on the road of trusting each other in good and bad times..

 

[LuckyDan]

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

 

[dilloduck]

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

 

[LuckyDan]

SOOOO are marriage vows primarily to give the woman the emotional security she so longs for ?

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

A woman who feels ignored by her husband -be he faithful and benign in all respects, will be easy to pull.

 

[goldcatt]

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

 

[dilloduck]

Vows give a woman no emotional security. A husband who keeps them and lives by them does, provided he remains attentive to her, beyond simply being faithful.

Disagree---vows provide a woman with the promise of emotional security and that promise will sustain most women as long as she doesn't have evidence to the contrary. Some women accuse men of cheating after vows even if there is no evidence. I guess they need more than vows--therapy maybe ?

A woman who feels ignored by her husband -be he faithful and benign in all respects, will be easy to pull.

Is he ignoring her too much or is she too needy ? Having your feelings hurt is no better of an excuse as wanting variety.

 

[Barb]

Bam! Right there! Key words "needs" and "emotionally." That's the difference between the sexes that I'm talking about. How many women have you heard say those words? How many men?

If a woman is cheating, chance are she's in love.

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

Honestly, I disagree.
Sex is an emotional need. And the need for sex is based in an emotional impulse.

 

[kurtsprincess]

Wow. Just get the hell out, huh? One and done?

Your thread title says "lover," not "spouse." Do you draw a distinction? I mean, two single people can easily choose to split over many different things. That's the beauty of being single.

Marrieds have to be a little more flexible. Then there's the male-female difference. Men can and often do have sex utterly devoid of any emotion or feeling with their partner. Women tend to be more emotionally invested before becoming a lover or spouse. (I know there are many who don't, but I'm speaking generally.)

If a husband has a weak moment, would you advise the wife to leave him? He may still love her, and she him, and their marriage may still be perfectly salvageable. I'd be careful about dishing out that kind of advice so quickly.

So, Dan, if your spouse/partner/lover decided to have sex with someone else you would forgive her because ........... she still loves you, you still love her, etc. My question is this? If a relationship is rock solid and doing well, why would either partner even remotely think about having sex with someone else? So, for me, when one person cheats it is usually just a symptom of some other underlying problem in the relationship.

 

[dilloduck]

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Wiring----it doesn't make sense to a man either. Why do some feel so shitty about their behavior ?

 

[LuckyDan]

And a man doesn't have emotional needs? And sex is always some emotionless mechanical act to them? I find that hard to believe. The wiring is a little different, but not that different.

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

 

[kurtsprincess]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Because to some people their word is their honor.

 

[dilloduck]

Of course men have emotional needs, but I'm speaking generally. Men who cheat may be looking for intimacy to some degree, but I maintain that more men than women can cheat with no emotional attachment to their lover.

In other words, men will stray for sexual gratification, and emotional attachment may well follow, while women will stray to have their emotional needs met, with sex to follow.

That seems to be the conventional wisdom. It's just hard to understand why a man would risk something valuable for nothing but physical gratification, it's irrational. If the realtionship isn't valuable in the first place or there's an emotional need also being met it at least makes more sense.

Yes, it is irrational, but the male's sexual nature is not the least bit complicated. It's simply a matter of lust, a lack of self-control, and thinking he'll get away with it.

But, yes, as Lumpy said in the OP. Stupid.

Well that's the way a lot of people try to portray a male who cheats but a lot of people don't appreciate the libido in some men either.

 

[dilloduck]

It's up to the individuals and the relationship. For some people it's a real dealbreaker, for others it's salvageable. I can't imagine it ever being painless though, and for me at least trust would be very hard to re-establish. In general I'd say if you're going to give your word, keep it. Or don't give it at all.

Which begs the question----why does ANYONE make this kind of a promise or believe it for that matter ?

Because to some people their word is their honor.

Which is why vows to do things should be thought out VERY CAREFULLY.

 

[Lumpy 1]

Guys and I'm guessing Gals are funny in a way.. Rather than simply accepting the total commitment to another they hold back just a little piece, their individuality. I think they feel if they lose that they've lost themselves. So they go around with that little piece and explore and imagine all the possibilities that they feel they may be missing out on.

The beautiful Gal with the big knockers, the secretary with the nice ass... the young lady all fresh and pure..the offers of delicious pleasure their not getting at home. etc (the Gals have to make up their own list.)

Some Guys bring that energy, ego boost, imagination.. etc, home to their wives.. others stray and if their emotionally equipped suffer the guilt..

There's more to this of course..