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Assassin Luigi Mangione Takes Lead In 2028 Democratic Primary Polls
Politics·Dec 12, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
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U.S. — Despite currently being in custody and charged with the murder of a health insurance company CEO, alleged assassin Luigi Mangione has now taken the lead in 2028 Democratic primary polls.
Though more well-known candidates like Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsom, and Gretchen Whitmer remained in the running, Mangione had surged to the top of the polls in just a matter of days following his rise to stardom among Democrat voters after committing a cold-blooded murder.
"He's the perfect representative of everything the Democratic Party stands for," said MSNBC host Rachel Maddow. "He's ruthless, uninformed, deranged — and he's willing to kill people he disagrees with. These are all the fundamental qualities Democrat voters look for most. The only factor that may hold Luigi Mangione back is the fact that he's not legally old enough to run for president yet, but whether or not something is legal has never held Democrats back before."
Voters were quick to throw their support behind the accused murderer. "He's the guy I want," said registered Democrat Dean Stinson. "It's time to get serious about the progress we want to see in this country. Someone with a killer instinct. Who better than an actual killer? The way he dealt with that health insurance guy… he's such an inspiration to us. It's exactly what we all want to do to the opposition. Who cares if he gets convicted of murder? The Republicans can run a felon, why can't we?"
At publishing time, congressional Democrats were reportedly working on legislation to simultaneously pardon Mangione and legalize the murder of people they disagree with.
Politics·Dec 12, 2024 · BabylonBee.com
Click here to view this article with reduced ads.
U.S. — Despite currently being in custody and charged with the murder of a health insurance company CEO, alleged assassin Luigi Mangione has now taken the lead in 2028 Democratic primary polls.
Though more well-known candidates like Kamala Harris, Gavin Newsom, and Gretchen Whitmer remained in the running, Mangione had surged to the top of the polls in just a matter of days following his rise to stardom among Democrat voters after committing a cold-blooded murder.
"He's the perfect representative of everything the Democratic Party stands for," said MSNBC host Rachel Maddow. "He's ruthless, uninformed, deranged — and he's willing to kill people he disagrees with. These are all the fundamental qualities Democrat voters look for most. The only factor that may hold Luigi Mangione back is the fact that he's not legally old enough to run for president yet, but whether or not something is legal has never held Democrats back before."
Voters were quick to throw their support behind the accused murderer. "He's the guy I want," said registered Democrat Dean Stinson. "It's time to get serious about the progress we want to see in this country. Someone with a killer instinct. Who better than an actual killer? The way he dealt with that health insurance guy… he's such an inspiration to us. It's exactly what we all want to do to the opposition. Who cares if he gets convicted of murder? The Republicans can run a felon, why can't we?"
At publishing time, congressional Democrats were reportedly working on legislation to simultaneously pardon Mangione and legalize the murder of people they disagree with.
